Guys, for those of you that thought girls' undergarments and cosmetics couldn't get more ridiculous, here's something for you. Yes, panties that make girls that are flat in the back look like they have a booty. Aside from not knowing that the words booty and pop went together—sounds noisy—do girls really need to be more fake? There's already padded bras. This is just a push-up bra for your booty. Girls have fake eyelashes, fake eyes, fake boobs, fake tans, fake everything, now everybody can have a badonkadonk. As a girl, isn't that first time embarrassing enough to begin with without you having to take off a pair of panties that have a huge ass in the back? It sounds like a deterrent to me. I know If I got a girl home, we got to that point and I found I she was wearing these, I may not even make it to the bed. I may just throw her right out. For a butt man this is appalling. The booty is the final frontier. One of the few things on a woman that couldn't be fake. Girls already take their eye lashes, hair, lips, cheecks and everything else off at night. Now they're taking off their booty too? Terrible. What would Sir Mix-A-Lot say? You can do side-bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt takes on an entirely different meaning.
And it's yet another reason why girls are smarter than boys. This is nothing but a ploy to make men really care about personality. I mean, if you know you're going to wake up in the morning with a girl who looks entirely different than the one you left with last night, you better give a damn about the only part of her that doesn't pop off like vacuum cleaner attachments. And when your friends see her, you better have an excuse for showing up with a girl who looks like Dan Patrick when you said she looked like Danica Patrick. "She was hot last night," isn't going to cut it anymore. You should've known it was fake. With all these press-on, glue-on, stick-on, and slide-on parts, ANY girl can look good. What's the world coming to when you can't even look at a booty to decide whether or not you're going to talk to a girl? Now we're going to have to start listening when you talk (Joking).
December 10, 2009
Do I Know You?
I was out with a couple friends from college this weekend and the worst thing happened to me. I ran into somebody from college who I "kind of" knew. You know, the ones you knew OF, but never really want to take the time to actually know or be friends with. I seem to uncover about two per weekend. It's so awkward—especially when they remember you, but you have absolutely no idea who they are. They walk over to say hello, and you're like, "Heeeeey maaaaaaan!" (those get protracted so as to buy more time to figure out who the they are, what their name is and why the hell they're talking to you.) Then you start asking questions, hoping to somehow remember one thing that's going to spark one iota of memory as to who this person is. The only problem is that the questions make it seem like you give a damn, when you could care less if they went to grad school or just got back from a small island in the Pacific where they really found themselves working for the Peace Corps. But your questions keep them talking. All the while you're looking at your warm beer getting warmer, the clock ticking towards last call and the drunk girl you were trying to talk to leaving with some fortunate soul who DIDN'T go to a rich-kid school where everybody moves to New York after graduation.
It's even worse when it's somebody you remember—but only in the sense that you remember you hated them. So you're standing there doing the question thing and it hits you, I despised you in college. And then you're really mad. Not only is your beer getting cold and your drunk girl leaving, but it's because you got caught up in a conversation with some asshole you never liked anyway. Then you like them even less. We weren't friends before, and if my beer sweats any more we'll be even less friends than that tomorrow. Going to the same college doesn't make us friends. I went to a pretty small college, so the fact that we both went there and I never knew you should say something. It was probably on purpose. And it should definitely say something if we both went there and I didn't like you (I don't make a habit of not liking people). Your post-college stories of law school, your ex-girlfriend, who I also don't remember, and how you wished we would've talked more in college are not enriching my life. Yeah, it's been five years since we graduated and I've burried the hatchet, but I still don't want to be friends. I didn't like you then and I probably wouldn't like you now. And whatever it is you hated about me, I probably haven't changed.
And then you get to the awkward ending. How do you end this oh-so-awkward conversation? Unfortunately it usually ends like this: Annoying guy you hated says, "Say man, we should definitely hang out sometime."
And you, disingenuously as possible say, "Yeaaah, man" (this part is more or less friendly depending on how drunk you are). Then there's an awkward exchange of numbers where you pretend to enter his when you're really not, only to have them ask you to call so they he'll have your number. And then you have to act like you have a new phone and haven't gotten a hang of it yet so you need to get the number again. I hate it. I wish they'd just be rude when they walk by me and not say anything. That's what I'd do to them. At least it would reinforce the hatred.
It's even worse when it's somebody you remember—but only in the sense that you remember you hated them. So you're standing there doing the question thing and it hits you, I despised you in college. And then you're really mad. Not only is your beer getting cold and your drunk girl leaving, but it's because you got caught up in a conversation with some asshole you never liked anyway. Then you like them even less. We weren't friends before, and if my beer sweats any more we'll be even less friends than that tomorrow. Going to the same college doesn't make us friends. I went to a pretty small college, so the fact that we both went there and I never knew you should say something. It was probably on purpose. And it should definitely say something if we both went there and I didn't like you (I don't make a habit of not liking people). Your post-college stories of law school, your ex-girlfriend, who I also don't remember, and how you wished we would've talked more in college are not enriching my life. Yeah, it's been five years since we graduated and I've burried the hatchet, but I still don't want to be friends. I didn't like you then and I probably wouldn't like you now. And whatever it is you hated about me, I probably haven't changed.
And then you get to the awkward ending. How do you end this oh-so-awkward conversation? Unfortunately it usually ends like this: Annoying guy you hated says, "Say man, we should definitely hang out sometime."
And you, disingenuously as possible say, "Yeaaah, man" (this part is more or less friendly depending on how drunk you are). Then there's an awkward exchange of numbers where you pretend to enter his when you're really not, only to have them ask you to call so they he'll have your number. And then you have to act like you have a new phone and haven't gotten a hang of it yet so you need to get the number again. I hate it. I wish they'd just be rude when they walk by me and not say anything. That's what I'd do to them. At least it would reinforce the hatred.
That Shit's R. Kelly Good
Yes friends, it's true. R. Kelly has another inappropriate song that's so bad it's good. This one subtly titled Get You Pregnant. As in, "Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant." I couldn't believe my ears. And then I listened to it. As stupid as the lyrics and title may be, it definitely got my head bobbing. How is it that R. Kelly songs are so bad, yet so good at the same time? They lead you to lose all faith in humanity, but also to the dance floor to get down—albeit faithlessly and shaking your head—at the very same time? That's R. Kelly for you. His honestly is amazing. That's one of the reasons I really believe it wasn't him in that video peeing on that girl. He would've written a song about it already. It would've been titled, "Yeah, I Peed on That Underage Girl". But he hasn't. And since all of his songs seem to be stream of consciousness, it's pretty obvious he didn't do it. This man probably writes songs just walking down the street. He sees a booty he likes, he writes a song called, "Damn, I Love Yo Booty". He sees a girl with panty lines, he writes another called, "Should've Worn Yo Thong". He sees a girl who looks like a jeep, he writes a song called—wait, he already did that. I think that song was the start of his stream of consciousness R&B. And I almost have to give him credit (almost). I mean, his mind is working on overtime with every single girl that walks passed. How can he ever NOT be writing a song? Every girl that he passes is a potential gold or platinum recording. I only wish I could keep that many award-winning songs straight in my head. In a nod to his obvious song-writing genius, MTV is adding a new category to their awards list: The R. Kelly Lifetime Achievement Award for Songfoolery. The winner of this category will be a songwriter who writes a song that makes people bob their heads, with a look of confused, what the hell was he thinking bewilderment on their face. A look that usually illicits the response, "Mmm, that shit's R. Kelly good."
December 02, 2009
Par for the Course II
In honor of Tiger Woods cheating, I'm going to post some of the best jokes I've seen about the scandal.
What did you expect, the guy is paid to but the ball in the hole.
Tiger cheated with two women. Is that a double bogey or a hole in two?
Guess he couldn't keep his clubs in the bag.
Tiger got a hole in two. If his wife is keeping score, that's a double bogey.
He should have kept it in the short grass.
I wonder if he was playing the back 9?
I actually like Tiger Woods more now. I hope when Stuart Scott comes to interview him for ESPN during his record setting Master's win, he just flips him off and tells ESPN to go f*$$ themselves as he's walking away with four strippers.
Maybe she cleans his balls better than his wife does. I mean you have to have clean balls to win majors.
Tiger had more girls than he had golf clubs.
I wonder if the women wore tiger print panties?
Now we know how he got the name Tiger.
I wonder how many holes Tiger has played over the years. Sounds like quite a few.
Lock your wives up when the PGA Tour comes to your town; Tiger is swinging the driver.
Tiger, when apologizing to your wife DO NOT use the words SCREWED in any of your sentences. No screwed up, it was screwy, or I had a screw loose.
and the biggest joke of all is his phone call to one of the chicks to get her to change her number. He sounds like a man defeated. Pimp down! Pimp down!
What did you expect, the guy is paid to but the ball in the hole.
Tiger cheated with two women. Is that a double bogey or a hole in two?
Guess he couldn't keep his clubs in the bag.
Tiger got a hole in two. If his wife is keeping score, that's a double bogey.
He should have kept it in the short grass.
I wonder if he was playing the back 9?
I actually like Tiger Woods more now. I hope when Stuart Scott comes to interview him for ESPN during his record setting Master's win, he just flips him off and tells ESPN to go f*$$ themselves as he's walking away with four strippers.
Maybe she cleans his balls better than his wife does. I mean you have to have clean balls to win majors.
Tiger had more girls than he had golf clubs.
I wonder if the women wore tiger print panties?
Now we know how he got the name Tiger.
I wonder how many holes Tiger has played over the years. Sounds like quite a few.
Lock your wives up when the PGA Tour comes to your town; Tiger is swinging the driver.
Tiger, when apologizing to your wife DO NOT use the words SCREWED in any of your sentences. No screwed up, it was screwy, or I had a screw loose.
and the biggest joke of all is his phone call to one of the chicks to get her to change her number. He sounds like a man defeated. Pimp down! Pimp down!
Par for the Course
As you probably already know, Tiger Woods just got jammed up for cheating on his wife after wrapping his car around a fire hydrant and then a tree. There's speculation all around as to how/if the cheating and the accident are related.
I'm not buying the first part of the video—that she came to his rescue crap. Why in the world would she knock out the back window to save him if he's in the front? And how would a 110 pound woman, soaking wet holding two golf bags, pull a 200 pound man from a car? Not buying it.
The more believable story is the second part. I'll sum that up for those of you who don't follow Mandarin: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating, slapped him around a little bit, and when he got in the car to leave she chased him down the street with a golf club. At that point Tiger turned around like, what is this B!t©h doin, and he ran into the hydrant and then the tree. The only thing fishy about that is the chasing him down the street with a golf club thing. Everybody knows white girls don't run down the street chasing men with the closest thing available (pots, pans, lamps, toy racecar tracks and golf clubs). That's reserved for the sistah's. White girls key cars, slash tires and cut off wangs.
Another story, straight from the mind of C.J., is that the whole thing was a setup. It follows the same line above: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating and slapped him around a bit. Realizing he couldn't go to the next tournament looking like he got in a fight with Thing from the Addams Family, he smashed the car up to explain the scratches on his face.
And now everybody's in an uproar. I say, who cares? So the guy cheated. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying who's surprised? Yes, he's Tiger Woods and supposedly a good guy and all. But above all that is that he's a man. He has the same urges and tendencies as any other man, he just has more money and celebrity to make it all happen. I'm never surprised when I hear these stories. And to the he's supposed to be a role model crowd, raise your own kids. That guy has enough to worry about without babysitting your kids from inside the television. Parents need to start teaching their kids that, while these athletes have been blessed with what seems like super-human talent, they are still human, and just as fallible as anybody else. So it's ok to watch them and be in awe of their ability, but it by no means that the things that they do off the playing surface, or sometimes on it, are acceptable. That will put all this role model stuff to bed.
I'm not buying the first part of the video—that she came to his rescue crap. Why in the world would she knock out the back window to save him if he's in the front? And how would a 110 pound woman, soaking wet holding two golf bags, pull a 200 pound man from a car? Not buying it.
The more believable story is the second part. I'll sum that up for those of you who don't follow Mandarin: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating, slapped him around a little bit, and when he got in the car to leave she chased him down the street with a golf club. At that point Tiger turned around like, what is this B!t©h doin, and he ran into the hydrant and then the tree. The only thing fishy about that is the chasing him down the street with a golf club thing. Everybody knows white girls don't run down the street chasing men with the closest thing available (pots, pans, lamps, toy racecar tracks and golf clubs). That's reserved for the sistah's. White girls key cars, slash tires and cut off wangs.
Another story, straight from the mind of C.J., is that the whole thing was a setup. It follows the same line above: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating and slapped him around a bit. Realizing he couldn't go to the next tournament looking like he got in a fight with Thing from the Addams Family, he smashed the car up to explain the scratches on his face.
And now everybody's in an uproar. I say, who cares? So the guy cheated. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying who's surprised? Yes, he's Tiger Woods and supposedly a good guy and all. But above all that is that he's a man. He has the same urges and tendencies as any other man, he just has more money and celebrity to make it all happen. I'm never surprised when I hear these stories. And to the he's supposed to be a role model crowd, raise your own kids. That guy has enough to worry about without babysitting your kids from inside the television. Parents need to start teaching their kids that, while these athletes have been blessed with what seems like super-human talent, they are still human, and just as fallible as anybody else. So it's ok to watch them and be in awe of their ability, but it by no means that the things that they do off the playing surface, or sometimes on it, are acceptable. That will put all this role model stuff to bed.
November 19, 2009
Keep It Simple Stupid
Since being in New York I've realized a couple things. One of them is that there is a disproportionate amount of douche bags, lame guys, creeps weirdos and cornballs in the city. I'm not saying I'm Don Juan or anything, but there are a lot of guys here who have no idea how to talk to girls. There are some things you just don't say or do. I went out about two weeks ago with two girl friends and I saw and heard some of the most ridiculous stuff.
One guy came up to one of the girls and said "So, what's the thing you regret most in your life?" What? What ever happened to questions like 'what's your name?' and 'hi, how're you?' He skipped to the 5th or 6th date before he even asked the girl her name or told her his. Not good. If you're already riding the relationship Delorean before you've properly met, then what's that say about two months down the line? Are you going to introduce her to your parents on the third date and propose on the fifth? Keep it simple stupid.
Another guy came up, while I was dancing with one of the girls and cut in. I didn't necessarily care because she wasn't my girlfriend but, as I discussed before, she could've been. So this guy comes up between us while we're dancing and gives her a rose. But he doesn't just give her the rose, he puts in her hair sensually, like it was in Spain or someting. We're not in Spain. What the hell are you doing? That's creepy. Keep it simple stupid.
Another guy just came up and started dancing. Nothig wrong with that, depending on how you do it. This guy's approach was to dance close enough to say, hey, I wanna dance with you, but far enough away that if she wasn't going for it it would look like he was just dancing by himself and enjoying the music. But she humored him and danced for a bit. The only words he said to her the whole time were, "You're hot." I don't need to tell you all the reasons why that's bad.
And finally, another guy just stared from afar. But not in a shy 'I want you to notice me noticing you so you'll think I'm cute and come over and talk' way. Most guys that do that sort of turn away sheepishly when they get caught. This guy just kept looking—like he thought he was smooth or something. Only thing is this guy never got the memo that that doesn't come across as smooth. It comes across as creepy. But my friend made the mistake of telling us, which made us look over at him, which gave him the idea she was talking about him, which made him come over. That's the worst thing he could've done in that situation. Bad idea. It's one thing to be a starer, but I think a girl would rather be creeped out from afar than close range. The only thing worse than a stareer is the starer who comes over to talk. Keep it simple stupid.
And that is all the advice I have. Don't try to impress a girl, just be impressive. Just tell her your name. Ask her hers. It seems lame, but in a place where people are killing themselves before they even get introduced, somebody keeping it simple is a welcomed relief.
One guy came up to one of the girls and said "So, what's the thing you regret most in your life?" What? What ever happened to questions like 'what's your name?' and 'hi, how're you?' He skipped to the 5th or 6th date before he even asked the girl her name or told her his. Not good. If you're already riding the relationship Delorean before you've properly met, then what's that say about two months down the line? Are you going to introduce her to your parents on the third date and propose on the fifth? Keep it simple stupid.
Another guy came up, while I was dancing with one of the girls and cut in. I didn't necessarily care because she wasn't my girlfriend but, as I discussed before, she could've been. So this guy comes up between us while we're dancing and gives her a rose. But he doesn't just give her the rose, he puts in her hair sensually, like it was in Spain or someting. We're not in Spain. What the hell are you doing? That's creepy. Keep it simple stupid.
Another guy just came up and started dancing. Nothig wrong with that, depending on how you do it. This guy's approach was to dance close enough to say, hey, I wanna dance with you, but far enough away that if she wasn't going for it it would look like he was just dancing by himself and enjoying the music. But she humored him and danced for a bit. The only words he said to her the whole time were, "You're hot." I don't need to tell you all the reasons why that's bad.
And finally, another guy just stared from afar. But not in a shy 'I want you to notice me noticing you so you'll think I'm cute and come over and talk' way. Most guys that do that sort of turn away sheepishly when they get caught. This guy just kept looking—like he thought he was smooth or something. Only thing is this guy never got the memo that that doesn't come across as smooth. It comes across as creepy. But my friend made the mistake of telling us, which made us look over at him, which gave him the idea she was talking about him, which made him come over. That's the worst thing he could've done in that situation. Bad idea. It's one thing to be a starer, but I think a girl would rather be creeped out from afar than close range. The only thing worse than a stareer is the starer who comes over to talk. Keep it simple stupid.
And that is all the advice I have. Don't try to impress a girl, just be impressive. Just tell her your name. Ask her hers. It seems lame, but in a place where people are killing themselves before they even get introduced, somebody keeping it simple is a welcomed relief.
Dance At Your Own Risk
I can't stand dancing with girls when they're drunk. Don't get it twisted, it's not because I don't like drunk girls. I just hate it when you can't tell whether she's actually dancing or about to fall. Every time she makes a move you have to stop dancing for a split second—with your hands and arms extended like you're accepting one of those huge high school lunch trays—to get yourself in position to catch her. Not because you're worried about her safety, but because, like it or not, if you're on the dance floor with somebody, they're yours. For five minutes and fourteen seconds, or for however long music shall play and you two shall dance, to everybody in that bar, that's your girlfriend—for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till next song due you part, for as long as you two shall dance. As long as you're dancing with her, guys aren't going to approach her, and if you're cute, girls are going to look at her like she's a slut for being with you (if you're ugly they could care less). If she falls, the egg is on you too. If she looks stupid, you look stupid. You're her "dancefloor" boyfriend. For the rest of the night people are going to whisper to their friends, "That's that guy who let his girlfriend fall down on the dance floor," when you pass by. You're stuck. And no guy is going to step in and take her from you. First, you may be her boyfriend. Second, who wants to be seen with the girl who everybody already saw belligerently fall down while dancing? That makes you no better than an ambulance-chasing lawyer or a hunter who only goes after the young, sick and wounded. Nobody wants that. Even if a girl is hot, she's just the hot girl who got drunk and fell at the bar. Not sexy. Inevitably, once you get comfortable and start thinking she's not that drunk or she isn't going to fall, she's going to fall. And you're left to pick up the pieces. Because if she's drunk enough, she will cry. And there she is, drunk-whimpering on the floor, while you stand there, arms out, with that "she's not my girlfriend, I don't even know her" look on your face. So don't do it. DO NOT dance with drunk girls.
How Cruel is That?
You know what sucks: the physical inability to pronounce the very disease or impediment that burdens you. Cancer patients can say cancer. People with arthritis can say arthritis, but people with a lisp can't say lisp to save their lives. You know it's bad when you have something and can't say it. What's worse is the technical term is called sigmatism. Even more s's. Terrible. Who's in charge of naming these things? They have a pretty good sense of humor. First they name a disease characterized by bad breath halitosis. A word that begins with an h, when everybody knows you don't want people with bad breath saying h-words. Then they make the impediment that makes people unable to pronounce s-words full of s's.
October 26, 2009
Worst Mistake
Like most of us, Steve Phillips has made many a mistake in his lifetime: trading for Mo Vaughn, trading Scott Kazmir for Carlos Zambrano, firing Bobby Valentine, or his affair with an employee of the Mets minor league affiliate. Personally, I think he has made no mistake greater than hooking up with this piece of work while working for ESPN. Hooking up with Brooke Hundley, or Fatal Attraction intern as I like to call her, eventually got him fired. She looks more like Todd Hundley if you ask me. And she even went as far as to Phillips' doorbell to leave a note for his wife detailing the sordid affair, and also befriending his son on Facebook. Just terrible. Apparently the one he got caught up with while he was the GM of the Mets was worse. It's pretty apparent that Mr. Phillips is not a good evaluator of talent on or off the field.
October 21, 2009
Bathroom Etiquette
I'm sorry to have to write this. I never thought it to be necessary until the events that took place in the bathroom at work today. Let me break it down for you. THERE ARE NO MANNERS IN THE BATHROOM. Let's say you're in a stall brownberrying. Or maybe you're taking a poop nap. If the guy next to you sneezes, you do not under any circumstances say bless you. The whole point of stalls in the bathroom is to maintain anonymity. They're not in there and neither are you. It brings up the age old question: If somebody sneezes in the stall next to you, but nobody's there to hear it, does anybody need to be blessed? I say no. It's awkward. What are they supposed to do? Common courtesy says you're supposed to say thank you. But just because you gave your voice up to be IDd doesn't mean they should too. That's a lot of pressure, so just don't do it. Even if you recognize their shoes. You don't say anything. You don't know them.
October 09, 2009
Beggars Can Be Choosers
I've been in New York for about a month now. I'd been here at least ten times before I actually moved, so I knew it was a different world. I didn't know it was a different solar system. Even the homeless are different here. I was sitting in the park eating lunch with some guys I work with. One of the guys told me he offered a homeless guy a bologna sandwich once and he turned it down. Turns out he didn't like bologna. He even asked him if he had anything better. I thought that was pretty funny, but nothing could've been funnier than seeing it in person. About five minutes later a guy walked up to us and asked for some food. I was about finished with my lunch, and the other guy had just finished his burrito, but one of the guys had a bag full of bagel chips. He offered the man a couple bagel chips, whereupon the homeless man bent over to peek inside the bag. He looked at my friend perplexed and asked, "What the hell is a bagel chip? I've never heard of that."
To which my friend responded, "Well, it's pieces of bagel, cut, fried and made into a chip."
The homeless guy peeked into the bag yet again, turned his head and said, "I'll pass. I've never heard of that shit."
I was shocked. A pretentious homeless person? He turned his nose up at bagel chips—fried bread. Maybe he was trying to cut out the carbs or something. And it was so nonchalant—like he wasn't even sweating it. Like bagel chips were beneath him. It was almost as if he couldn't believe he'd been offered some no-name snack. Atlanta homeless will eat your shoe strings if you offer it to them. What was the guy expecting, filet mignon? Did he have something specific that he wanted? I think I'm going to put a menu by my feet when I go to the park—like the ones restaurants put in the window so you know if you want to go in or not. Then the homeless guys can window shop and only ask me if they like what I'm serving that day.
My mom used to always tell me, "You're not starving. If you were starving you'd eat anything. You're not even hungry. You don't know what hungry is. You just want something to eat."
Well I guess this homeless guy just wanted something to eat, and he was treating the park like a drive through window. He pulled up at McDonald's looking for a Whopper and didn't find it. He probably just pulled up to another window until he found somebody with something that he liked.
To which my friend responded, "Well, it's pieces of bagel, cut, fried and made into a chip."
The homeless guy peeked into the bag yet again, turned his head and said, "I'll pass. I've never heard of that shit."
I was shocked. A pretentious homeless person? He turned his nose up at bagel chips—fried bread. Maybe he was trying to cut out the carbs or something. And it was so nonchalant—like he wasn't even sweating it. Like bagel chips were beneath him. It was almost as if he couldn't believe he'd been offered some no-name snack. Atlanta homeless will eat your shoe strings if you offer it to them. What was the guy expecting, filet mignon? Did he have something specific that he wanted? I think I'm going to put a menu by my feet when I go to the park—like the ones restaurants put in the window so you know if you want to go in or not. Then the homeless guys can window shop and only ask me if they like what I'm serving that day.
My mom used to always tell me, "You're not starving. If you were starving you'd eat anything. You're not even hungry. You don't know what hungry is. You just want something to eat."
Well I guess this homeless guy just wanted something to eat, and he was treating the park like a drive through window. He pulled up at McDonald's looking for a Whopper and didn't find it. He probably just pulled up to another window until he found somebody with something that he liked.
September 11, 2009
Madden Strikes Again
Superstitions are everywhere—especially in sports—but I never really bought into them when I was playing. I changed my sox, underwear and all that before every game. And normally I don't believe in curses, hexes and bad luck, but this Madden Curse thing is crazy. If you've ever played the John Madden video game, then you've probably heard of the Madden Curse. If not, get familiar. Since '99, the first year the game didn't feature Madden himself, legend has it that the player featured on the cover has a horrible year—whether it be a decline in performance, or an injury.
'99-Garrison Hearst-Dude had a catastrophic leg injury. The kind that ends your career
'00-Barry Sanders-Wasn't really on the cover, just in the background behind John Madden's shoulder. He still got hit. Retired before the season started.
'00-Dorsey Levens-Had only 224 yards the year after recording 1,034 rushing yards in 1999. He pretty much fell off the map.
'01-Eddie George-Before Cover: 1,375, 3.9 ypc. After Cover: 932, 3.3 ypc.
'02-Daunte Culpepper-3,853 Passing Yards, 18 TD, 23 INT, 75.5 Passer Rating, 21 fumbles. Vikings ended 6-10 after starting 4-7. Eventually fell to a knee injury
'03-Marshall Faulk-After hitting the 1,000 yard rushing mark in 7 out of 9 seasons, Faulk never hit the mark again. 209 Attempts, 818 Rushing Yards, 3.9 YPC, 10 TD the season after.
'04-Michael Vick-My man broke his fibula literally days after the game was released. Missed all but 5 games of season, and the Falcons ended up with a 5-11 record. Oh yeah, and he went to jail.
'05-Ray Lewis-Some say he broke the curse, but he did break his wrist in the second to last game of the season, only tallied 46 tackles, one sack, and one interception the year after. 2005 is the only season Lewis didn't make the Pro Bowl in his career.
'06-Donovan McNabb-Well, the Eagles got TO that year. That can be seen as a curse in and of itself. But McNabb also suffered a sports hernia in the first game of the season, feuded all year with Team Obliterator, and finally decided to have his injury surgically repaired, effectively ending his season after only 10 games.
'07-Shaun Alexander-Never missed a game until gracing the cover. He cracked his foot in the season and missed six games, never to be heard from again. I don't even know if dude is in the league anymore.
'08-Vince Young-Went from hero in the College Football National Championship Game to threatening retirement and being benched. Threw only 9 TDs and 17 interceptions.
'09-Brett Favre-Came out of retirement, traded to the Jets, started out well, but team finished 9-7 and Favre threw 5 INTs in the last four games, putting the team out of the playoffs. Also tore his biceps tendon and became insufferable.
And that brings us to this years cover which features Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Larry Fitzgerald of the Arizona Cardinals. Welp, last night the Madden Curse gave Troy the business. The Titan vs Steelers game saw the cover-boy leave the field with a knee injury. This after receiving three personal foul penalties. Reports hint that he’ll be out for three to six weeks.
Larry Fitgerald is nervous right now. If I were him, I'd be going to every video game store, buying up copies and whiting me out of every one of them. Either that or go Paris Hilton and jack a bunch of copies like she did when her porn tape was out. It's crazy. And Fitz, tell Kurt Warner you're not going high over the middle for any passes. Just stay down! EA should really consider leaving the cover of next year's Madden entry completely blank—either that, or just feature a generic picture of a football or a stadium or something. Why would you want to be on that thing, anyway? LT turned it down in '08. Shaun Alexander said, "Do I want to be on Madden and hurt, or just hurt?" Well, I'm not going out like a punk. All I know is that if somebody asked me, I'd say HELL NAW! It's not goin' down like that.
'99-Garrison Hearst-Dude had a catastrophic leg injury. The kind that ends your career
'00-Barry Sanders-Wasn't really on the cover, just in the background behind John Madden's shoulder. He still got hit. Retired before the season started.
'00-Dorsey Levens-Had only 224 yards the year after recording 1,034 rushing yards in 1999. He pretty much fell off the map.
'01-Eddie George-Before Cover: 1,375, 3.9 ypc. After Cover: 932, 3.3 ypc.
'02-Daunte Culpepper-3,853 Passing Yards, 18 TD, 23 INT, 75.5 Passer Rating, 21 fumbles. Vikings ended 6-10 after starting 4-7. Eventually fell to a knee injury
'03-Marshall Faulk-After hitting the 1,000 yard rushing mark in 7 out of 9 seasons, Faulk never hit the mark again. 209 Attempts, 818 Rushing Yards, 3.9 YPC, 10 TD the season after.
'04-Michael Vick-My man broke his fibula literally days after the game was released. Missed all but 5 games of season, and the Falcons ended up with a 5-11 record. Oh yeah, and he went to jail.
'05-Ray Lewis-Some say he broke the curse, but he did break his wrist in the second to last game of the season, only tallied 46 tackles, one sack, and one interception the year after. 2005 is the only season Lewis didn't make the Pro Bowl in his career.
'06-Donovan McNabb-Well, the Eagles got TO that year. That can be seen as a curse in and of itself. But McNabb also suffered a sports hernia in the first game of the season, feuded all year with Team Obliterator, and finally decided to have his injury surgically repaired, effectively ending his season after only 10 games.
'07-Shaun Alexander-Never missed a game until gracing the cover. He cracked his foot in the season and missed six games, never to be heard from again. I don't even know if dude is in the league anymore.
'08-Vince Young-Went from hero in the College Football National Championship Game to threatening retirement and being benched. Threw only 9 TDs and 17 interceptions.
'09-Brett Favre-Came out of retirement, traded to the Jets, started out well, but team finished 9-7 and Favre threw 5 INTs in the last four games, putting the team out of the playoffs. Also tore his biceps tendon and became insufferable.
And that brings us to this years cover which features Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Larry Fitzgerald of the Arizona Cardinals. Welp, last night the Madden Curse gave Troy the business. The Titan vs Steelers game saw the cover-boy leave the field with a knee injury. This after receiving three personal foul penalties. Reports hint that he’ll be out for three to six weeks.
Larry Fitgerald is nervous right now. If I were him, I'd be going to every video game store, buying up copies and whiting me out of every one of them. Either that or go Paris Hilton and jack a bunch of copies like she did when her porn tape was out. It's crazy. And Fitz, tell Kurt Warner you're not going high over the middle for any passes. Just stay down! EA should really consider leaving the cover of next year's Madden entry completely blank—either that, or just feature a generic picture of a football or a stadium or something. Why would you want to be on that thing, anyway? LT turned it down in '08. Shaun Alexander said, "Do I want to be on Madden and hurt, or just hurt?" Well, I'm not going out like a punk. All I know is that if somebody asked me, I'd say HELL NAW! It's not goin' down like that.
September 10, 2009
Working Man
Well, after a year of being unemployed/freelancing/interning, I finally got a job. It all went down last Thursday. I'll be in New York working at Hill Holliday on the Verizon account. This is my last weekend in Atlanta, and I'll be moving to New York next Saturday. Wish me luck. I guess this makes me official.
They Like Me. They Really Like Me.
Not necessarily they. Just she. And I don't even know if she really likes me. All I know is that I have a follower on my blog. First one. So now I have two people that read this besides me when I'm editing. Exciting. Anyway, big ups to her for reading. And please check out her blog if you get a chance.
Gassed Up at the Gas Station
I've written before about my exploits at the gas pump. And as we all know, times are rough these days. They're even rougher on those of us without jobs (that being me). I've filled my gas tank up the last couple times with change. In fact, I went in yesterday and put in 1.35. In change. Gas is currently about 2.35 in Georgia. The woman looked at me so stank when I gave the money to her. I think it was a combination of not wanting to count the change and not believing this guy just handed her a handful of change. Well, I don't know if this lady is reading this, but this message is for everybody else out there who's hatin': Stop looking at me foul when I put some change in the tank. Unless you're going to start chipping in on a tank, I don't want to hear it. I've got it rough right now. I went to college, then to portfolio school, and now I'm not working. I owe Uncle Same and Aunt Sallie Mae all kinds of money. I'm 27. I live at home. My parents tell me to clean my room and I still get asked where I'm going. I'm getting it from all angles right now. I don't want to hear it from cashier at the gas station too. Don't make me climb over that counter.
Coincidence? I Think Not
We've all heard about the exploits of Chris Brown and Rihanna. If you don't remember, let me give you the rundown: Chris got a booty call text message from some hoochie. Rihanna peeped it and got mad. She got out of the car. He wanted her back in the car, so he grabbed her. She pulled away, and that's when Chris went Mike Tyson on her. Cops were called and yadda, yadda, yadda. Anyway, he went to trial in August and was sentenced to community service or something. I wonder if his charges could've gotten bumped up, though. I mean, I don't find it coincidental that Brown made a song about breathing with 'No Air' prior to choking and beating his girlfriend. Some would call it a verbal warning, but I call it premeditated. I'm just saying.
And now from the annuls of You Can't Make That Shit Up comes my man Shawne Merriman. The 270 pound All-Pro NFL linebacker who was arrested early Sunday after girlfriend, reality star Tila Tequila, accused him of choking and throwing her while she was at his suburban San Diego home. Tequila signed a citizen's arrest warrant accusing Merriman of battery and false imprisonment. Both are felonies. Merriman issued a statement Sunday denying wrongdoing and saying he was trying to keep Tequila from leaving because he thought she was a little too tipsy. Prosecutors are deciding whether to press charges, and Merriman and his lawyer have said they expect him to be vindicated (get outta here. He's not giving the Chris Brown/MLB answer of, "I didn't know what I was doing/taking," and maybe he, "choked her a little bit." I can't believe it). It all makes me wonder, is there some premeditation here too? I mean, Shawne Merriman hits like a Mack truck. Dude's nickname is Lights Out for God's' sake. Foreshadowing? I don't know. Maybe he wasn't trying to put her lights out, but he was definitely trying to dim them a little.
And now from the annuls of You Can't Make That Shit Up comes my man Shawne Merriman. The 270 pound All-Pro NFL linebacker who was arrested early Sunday after girlfriend, reality star Tila Tequila, accused him of choking and throwing her while she was at his suburban San Diego home. Tequila signed a citizen's arrest warrant accusing Merriman of battery and false imprisonment. Both are felonies. Merriman issued a statement Sunday denying wrongdoing and saying he was trying to keep Tequila from leaving because he thought she was a little too tipsy. Prosecutors are deciding whether to press charges, and Merriman and his lawyer have said they expect him to be vindicated (get outta here. He's not giving the Chris Brown/MLB answer of, "I didn't know what I was doing/taking," and maybe he, "choked her a little bit." I can't believe it). It all makes me wonder, is there some premeditation here too? I mean, Shawne Merriman hits like a Mack truck. Dude's nickname is Lights Out for God's' sake. Foreshadowing? I don't know. Maybe he wasn't trying to put her lights out, but he was definitely trying to dim them a little.
August 27, 2009
GOOSEBUMPS
That's what I got after I watched this video. I don't even care if you aren't a FSU or UF fan, if that doesn't get you hyped for the season, either you don't have a pulse, you don't like football, or you're crazy. I got a little nostalgic once it was over. I wish we could have a late '90s revival in college football. You know, the days of cut-off jerseys, taped stripes on belts and taking your helmet off in the endzone when you score a TD. Let's bring back Charlie Ward, Warrick Dunn, Peter Warrick, Tommie Frazier, Charles Woodson, Rocket Ismail, Desmond Howard, Reidell Anthony, Ike Hilliard, David Palmer (the Deuce is loose), Eddie George, Shaun Alexandernd those guys. Let's bring back the throat slash TD celebration, the Prime Time Shuffle, and the hand behind your head as you go in for 6. All other celebrations will be flagged.
And for the FSU fans, what about Mickey Andrews unleashing Wadsworth, Devin Bush, Derrick Brooks, Sam Crockett, Corey Simon, Boulware and the other pit bulls on opposing quarterbacks? Can we bring that back too? And dagumit, where is Chris Weinke completely turning his back on a play-action pass, only to turn back around to throw a 98-yard TD pass to Snoop Minnis?
Man, I'm geeked for the season.
Tim Tebow Wears Charlie Ward PJs
I was reading this article where Bobby Bowden allegedly says that Charlie Ward was better than Tim Tebow. I say allegedly because after reading the article a couple times, I can't find anywhere where he says those words. Apparently he was misquoted by a UF paper to create some buzz. He didn't say that Ward was better explicitly; he only stated that it was plausible. It is not nearly as far-fetched as Gator fans choose to believe.
First, let me say this, Charlie Ward was ahead of his time. There would be no Tim Tebow if it weren't for Charlie Ward. He was the first dual-threat QB. Before Ward, you were a passer or a runner. You had veer or wishbone QBs at Nebraska and Oklahoma, or dropback passers at FSU, Miami and the Pac-10 schools, but never both. Florida State tweaked its pro-style offense around Ward. They called it "The Fast Break," (after Ward's ability as a PG on the basketball team) and it employed a no-huddle shotgun that let Ward use his receivers, or streak from the pocket if he saw a hole. Charlie Ward paved the way for all the spread QBs (Vince Young, Tim Tebow, Graham Harrell, Sam Bradford) you see today. And he was doing it when Tebow was in a crib. In fact, Tebow should be indebted to Ward for the fact that he is even playing QB. In Ward's day, Tebow would've been playing LB or TE. The only way he would've gotten under center was if he beat him on a blitz, sacked the QB, and the center fell on top of him.
And what Ward did like a butterfly, Tebow does like a bulldozer. He's a TE playing QB. Tim Tebow is Charlie Ward Heavy. Ward looked like an honest to God athlete while he was making defenders look stupid. Michael Vick would be a better comparison. I'd say Charlie ward was the precursor to Michael Vick. The guy had a canon attached to his shoulder. And if that didn't get the job done, he ran like a wide receiver. He threw better than Tebow, had a better arm, and was more athletic.
POINT: Ward-transcendence.
Check it out, but unfortunately you'll have to type it in. Some jackhole disabled embedding on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1VTnrl645E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDCgOgtTRCU&NR=1
THE NUMBERS
Here's the ones UF fans would like you to see:
CHARLIE WARD: 473-of-750 passing (63 percent), 5,747passing yards, 49 TDs, 22 INTs, 889 rushing yards, 10 rushing TDs
TIM TEBOW: 448-of-681 passing (65.8 percent), 6,390 passing yards, 67 TDs, 11 INTs, 2,037 rushing yards, 43 rushing TDs
But those are career stats. Charlie Ward played two full seasons as the FSU QB. His statistics are skewed by his first season as a starter with no learning curve, hence 18 of his 22 career INTs coming in that season. Who knows what he would've done with another year under his belt. Tebow has been QB for 2.5 years. Of course his stats will be higher with additional games played. Let's compare apples to apples.
Heisman Seasons:
CHARLIE WARD (1993): 264-of-380 passing (69.5 percent), 3,032 yards, 27 TDs, 4 INTs, 339 rushing yards, 4 rushing TDs
12-1 National Champions (Loss in the GAME OF THE CENTURY @ Notre Dame) *Charlie also missed a game his senior year and bowl statistics didn't count for season totals at that time.
TIM TEBOW (2007): 234-of-350 passing (66.9 percent), 3,286 yards, 32 TDs, 6 INTs, 895 rushing yards, 23 rushing TDs
9-4, no bowl win
Put your tongue back in your mouth. People say Tim Tebow's Heisman seasons was ridiculous, but look at Ward's. Not too shabby. True, Tebow did more damage on the ground, but only because he was allowed to. Better yet, because he had to. Florida's running backs in 2007 were nobody. Tebow was the Gators' best running back, so he ran the ball. When Ward won the Heisman, the starting FSU running backs were Warrick Dunn and William Floyd—both first-round NFL Draft picks. Hell, the backup, Sean Jackson, was a fourth-round pick. Ward averaged 6 yards per carry—because he was that good—but Dunn, Floyd and Jackson weren't bad. Tebow was scoring on one-yard plunges that were being given to the RBs of FSU's team. If there was a touchdown to be scored on the ground, Dunn or Floyd scored it.
POINT: Push
RECORDS
Florida fans like to tout Tebow as some sort of transcendent competitor in the mold of Micheal Jordan. Career records see it differently:
TEBOW: 22-5 (81% winning percentage), 1-1 Bowl Record, 1 National Title (first one goes to Leak)
WARD: 23-2 (92% winning percentage), 2-0 Bowl Record, 1 National Title
If you really want to play the who-wants-it-more card, you will be sadly disappointed, Gator fans. In Ward's 2 years as a starter, he lost only twice. In '92, they lost to the 10-2 (at season's end) Hurricanes by a "Wide Right" field goal in Miami. In '93, they lost to the #1 Ranked Notre Dame Fighting Irish in South Bend. Count 'em up. That's 2 losses. In Tebow's two seasons as the starter thus far, he has lost a total of 5 times—including twice at home—one of them to an unranked team. So why do people talk about Tebow like he "willed" his team to win? Is it because he cried after the Mississippi game? Probably. That stuff is for the cameras. I'll guarantee you the team didn't play any harder because Tim Tebow cried at the press conference. Leadership is done on the field, in the locker room and in the weight room. And I'm not talking about running down the sideline and hyping up the kickoff team when you're up by 20. That's easy. I'm not saying Tebow isn't a good leader, either. I'm just saying it's not for the reason's the media outlines. If he is the ultimate leader, it's because of stuff you won't see on a camera.
POINT: Ward (for now, but we'll have to see what Tebow does this season).
EXTRA POINT: Ward. You never saw him crying after a game. Not because he was tougher or anything, but he simply did not let the 'Noles lose games they weren't supposed to.
SCHEDULE
Some people like to say that FSU played a weak ACC schedule that year. Yes, the ACC was a joke back then. Everybody else was playing for second place in the ACC. And I'll admit, the SEC is tough (I'm from GA, so you're not going to get me to go against the SEC). But a schedule is conference games plus non-conference games. The year Ward won the Heisman, FSU played seven teams ranked among the top 17 in the country at the time they played FSU. Ward and the 'Noles played No. 17 Clemson, No. 13 North Carolina, No. 3 Miami and No. 15 Virginia in conference. They played No. 2 Notre Dame, No. 7 Florida and No. 2 Nebraska out of conference. Tebow played down teams all year. The only challenge was Oklahoma.
POINT: Ward
HYPE
Tim Tebow is big today because of exposure. True, there was a national media frenzy over Charlie Ward. But Ward's career came before the maximum exposure era of the Internet, blogs, and sports talk radio and also before ESPN became the monster that it is now, that is saying something. Make no mistake, for two years Ward was the No. 1 star in college football and a major media phenomenon that transformed the sport. Word on the street is that even Madonna—who at the time was the globe's No. 1 celebrity—wanted to meet Ward (Ward declined). That's huge. If Charlie played in this day and age, The hype machine surrounding him would be monumental, too.
POINT: Tebow
In the end, I guess it depends on which argument you want to visit. Who is a better QB? I think Ward. He was a better athlete. Also a better passer. That leads me to believe that Charlie Ward could definitely do what Urban Meyer asks of Tim Tebow, but I don't think Tim Tebow could do what Bobby Bowden asked Charlie Ward. Charlie Ward means too much, not only to his own team, but to NCAA football. Far more than Tebow has, or ever will, mean to his team, or football. Who is more decorated? Obviously Tebow. Who is a better leader? That's debatable. Who is the better athlete? Obviously Ward. But who is the best to play college football? I'll leave you with this: In 1993, Ward won the Heisman trophy by the second-biggest margin in Heisman history, beating a field that included Marshall Faulk by more than 1,600 points. In 2007, Tebow won the trophy by just 254 points. And no runner-up has ever earned more than Darren McFadden's 291 first-place votes. So if Tebow is the best player of all time, how then, at his best, was he just barely the best player in 2007?
I'll tell you this: Tommie Frazier may have an argument, but in my opinion, Ward is the best college player to never play a down in the NFL. Better yet, he's the best college football player to ever play in the NBA. Hell, he may be one of the best athletes of the last quarter century. He was a collegiate basketball and football player, a retired NBA basketball player, Heisman Trophy winner, Davey O'Brien Award winner and a Major League Baseball draftee (drafted as a pitcher by the Milwaukee Brewers in the 1993 free agent draft and by the New York Yankees in 1994, though he didn't play baseball in college). Ward still holds FSU basketball records for career steals at 236, steals in one game at 9 and still ranks sixth all-time in assists at 396. He was inducted in the College Football Hall of Fame with Emmitt Smith and Bobby Bowden in 2006.
First, let me say this, Charlie Ward was ahead of his time. There would be no Tim Tebow if it weren't for Charlie Ward. He was the first dual-threat QB. Before Ward, you were a passer or a runner. You had veer or wishbone QBs at Nebraska and Oklahoma, or dropback passers at FSU, Miami and the Pac-10 schools, but never both. Florida State tweaked its pro-style offense around Ward. They called it "The Fast Break," (after Ward's ability as a PG on the basketball team) and it employed a no-huddle shotgun that let Ward use his receivers, or streak from the pocket if he saw a hole. Charlie Ward paved the way for all the spread QBs (Vince Young, Tim Tebow, Graham Harrell, Sam Bradford) you see today. And he was doing it when Tebow was in a crib. In fact, Tebow should be indebted to Ward for the fact that he is even playing QB. In Ward's day, Tebow would've been playing LB or TE. The only way he would've gotten under center was if he beat him on a blitz, sacked the QB, and the center fell on top of him.
And what Ward did like a butterfly, Tebow does like a bulldozer. He's a TE playing QB. Tim Tebow is Charlie Ward Heavy. Ward looked like an honest to God athlete while he was making defenders look stupid. Michael Vick would be a better comparison. I'd say Charlie ward was the precursor to Michael Vick. The guy had a canon attached to his shoulder. And if that didn't get the job done, he ran like a wide receiver. He threw better than Tebow, had a better arm, and was more athletic.
POINT: Ward-transcendence.
Check it out, but unfortunately you'll have to type it in. Some jackhole disabled embedding on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1VTnrl645E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDCgOgtTRCU&NR=1
THE NUMBERS
Here's the ones UF fans would like you to see:
CHARLIE WARD: 473-of-750 passing (63 percent), 5,747passing yards, 49 TDs, 22 INTs, 889 rushing yards, 10 rushing TDs
TIM TEBOW: 448-of-681 passing (65.8 percent), 6,390 passing yards, 67 TDs, 11 INTs, 2,037 rushing yards, 43 rushing TDs
But those are career stats. Charlie Ward played two full seasons as the FSU QB. His statistics are skewed by his first season as a starter with no learning curve, hence 18 of his 22 career INTs coming in that season. Who knows what he would've done with another year under his belt. Tebow has been QB for 2.5 years. Of course his stats will be higher with additional games played. Let's compare apples to apples.
Heisman Seasons:
CHARLIE WARD (1993): 264-of-380 passing (69.5 percent), 3,032 yards, 27 TDs, 4 INTs, 339 rushing yards, 4 rushing TDs
12-1 National Champions (Loss in the GAME OF THE CENTURY @ Notre Dame) *Charlie also missed a game his senior year and bowl statistics didn't count for season totals at that time.
TIM TEBOW (2007): 234-of-350 passing (66.9 percent), 3,286 yards, 32 TDs, 6 INTs, 895 rushing yards, 23 rushing TDs
9-4, no bowl win
Put your tongue back in your mouth. People say Tim Tebow's Heisman seasons was ridiculous, but look at Ward's. Not too shabby. True, Tebow did more damage on the ground, but only because he was allowed to. Better yet, because he had to. Florida's running backs in 2007 were nobody. Tebow was the Gators' best running back, so he ran the ball. When Ward won the Heisman, the starting FSU running backs were Warrick Dunn and William Floyd—both first-round NFL Draft picks. Hell, the backup, Sean Jackson, was a fourth-round pick. Ward averaged 6 yards per carry—because he was that good—but Dunn, Floyd and Jackson weren't bad. Tebow was scoring on one-yard plunges that were being given to the RBs of FSU's team. If there was a touchdown to be scored on the ground, Dunn or Floyd scored it.
POINT: Push
RECORDS
Florida fans like to tout Tebow as some sort of transcendent competitor in the mold of Micheal Jordan. Career records see it differently:
TEBOW: 22-5 (81% winning percentage), 1-1 Bowl Record, 1 National Title (first one goes to Leak)
WARD: 23-2 (92% winning percentage), 2-0 Bowl Record, 1 National Title
If you really want to play the who-wants-it-more card, you will be sadly disappointed, Gator fans. In Ward's 2 years as a starter, he lost only twice. In '92, they lost to the 10-2 (at season's end) Hurricanes by a "Wide Right" field goal in Miami. In '93, they lost to the #1 Ranked Notre Dame Fighting Irish in South Bend. Count 'em up. That's 2 losses. In Tebow's two seasons as the starter thus far, he has lost a total of 5 times—including twice at home—one of them to an unranked team. So why do people talk about Tebow like he "willed" his team to win? Is it because he cried after the Mississippi game? Probably. That stuff is for the cameras. I'll guarantee you the team didn't play any harder because Tim Tebow cried at the press conference. Leadership is done on the field, in the locker room and in the weight room. And I'm not talking about running down the sideline and hyping up the kickoff team when you're up by 20. That's easy. I'm not saying Tebow isn't a good leader, either. I'm just saying it's not for the reason's the media outlines. If he is the ultimate leader, it's because of stuff you won't see on a camera.
POINT: Ward (for now, but we'll have to see what Tebow does this season).
EXTRA POINT: Ward. You never saw him crying after a game. Not because he was tougher or anything, but he simply did not let the 'Noles lose games they weren't supposed to.
SCHEDULE
Some people like to say that FSU played a weak ACC schedule that year. Yes, the ACC was a joke back then. Everybody else was playing for second place in the ACC. And I'll admit, the SEC is tough (I'm from GA, so you're not going to get me to go against the SEC). But a schedule is conference games plus non-conference games. The year Ward won the Heisman, FSU played seven teams ranked among the top 17 in the country at the time they played FSU. Ward and the 'Noles played No. 17 Clemson, No. 13 North Carolina, No. 3 Miami and No. 15 Virginia in conference. They played No. 2 Notre Dame, No. 7 Florida and No. 2 Nebraska out of conference. Tebow played down teams all year. The only challenge was Oklahoma.
POINT: Ward
HYPE
Tim Tebow is big today because of exposure. True, there was a national media frenzy over Charlie Ward. But Ward's career came before the maximum exposure era of the Internet, blogs, and sports talk radio and also before ESPN became the monster that it is now, that is saying something. Make no mistake, for two years Ward was the No. 1 star in college football and a major media phenomenon that transformed the sport. Word on the street is that even Madonna—who at the time was the globe's No. 1 celebrity—wanted to meet Ward (Ward declined). That's huge. If Charlie played in this day and age, The hype machine surrounding him would be monumental, too.
POINT: Tebow
In the end, I guess it depends on which argument you want to visit. Who is a better QB? I think Ward. He was a better athlete. Also a better passer. That leads me to believe that Charlie Ward could definitely do what Urban Meyer asks of Tim Tebow, but I don't think Tim Tebow could do what Bobby Bowden asked Charlie Ward. Charlie Ward means too much, not only to his own team, but to NCAA football. Far more than Tebow has, or ever will, mean to his team, or football. Who is more decorated? Obviously Tebow. Who is a better leader? That's debatable. Who is the better athlete? Obviously Ward. But who is the best to play college football? I'll leave you with this: In 1993, Ward won the Heisman trophy by the second-biggest margin in Heisman history, beating a field that included Marshall Faulk by more than 1,600 points. In 2007, Tebow won the trophy by just 254 points. And no runner-up has ever earned more than Darren McFadden's 291 first-place votes. So if Tebow is the best player of all time, how then, at his best, was he just barely the best player in 2007?
I'll tell you this: Tommie Frazier may have an argument, but in my opinion, Ward is the best college player to never play a down in the NFL. Better yet, he's the best college football player to ever play in the NBA. Hell, he may be one of the best athletes of the last quarter century. He was a collegiate basketball and football player, a retired NBA basketball player, Heisman Trophy winner, Davey O'Brien Award winner and a Major League Baseball draftee (drafted as a pitcher by the Milwaukee Brewers in the 1993 free agent draft and by the New York Yankees in 1994, though he didn't play baseball in college). Ward still holds FSU basketball records for career steals at 236, steals in one game at 9 and still ranks sixth all-time in assists at 396. He was inducted in the College Football Hall of Fame with Emmitt Smith and Bobby Bowden in 2006.
August 26, 2009
They Keep Sayin' Whale, But My Name's Wale.
My friend put me on this guy Wale (pronounced Wah-Lay; don't say
Wall-ee, he's not a trash-compacting robot from the future). Check him out.
He grew up in Northwest D.C, and was was originally bred on the D.C.-indigenous funky, percussive hip-hop sub-genre called go-go. He blew up in 2006 when the track "Dig Dug (Shake It)" became popular in Washington, D.C., Maryland and Virginia. The song became the most requested by a local artist in D.C. radio history, and was included on his first mixtape, Paint a Picture.
He has a Talib Kweli flow, a dash of Kanye's swag and bravado, and Wayne's metaphors and one-liners, without the non sequiturs. We'll call him a thinking man’s Weezy, minus the dope. His lyrics are smart, but not to the point where they get in the way. Mark Ronson describes him as, "A Cross Between Lil Wayne, Lupe Fiasco And Nas.
He describes himself as, "A little more Talib, less Jay-Z. A little less Nasir (Nas for those who don't know), more A-Z. A little more Consequence than Kanye, the underdog from the underground, Wale."
He's done five "official" mix tapes since 2006, three of which have received acclaim:100 Miles and Running (2007), Seinfeld-themed, The Mixtape About Nothing (2008) and Back to the Feature (2009). His Interscope Records debut album, Attention: Defecit, dropping October 20, is the exclamation point on four years of buzz-enducing mixtapes.
Aiming to break the monotony of hip-hop, you won't hear any two-step, lean back or snap on his album. One track, "Shades", featuring Chrisette Michelle, discusses inter-black racism, and ruminates on hip-hop's use of the n-word. The album also features songs about romantic dilemmas and maintaining his integrity amid the hype. On "The Bomb", Wale addresses whether his intellectual flow takes away from his street cred.
He spits: “I’m chastised. They say I’m not hood enough. Fuck it, I’m good – I just kill it with my rhetoric. A clip full of syllables, licking off shots like the last sip available. You cannot configure my particular curriculum. Ridiculous. You niggas don’t even deserve my syllabus.”
But he also likes to have some fun, so you won't need a dictionary or a textbook to enjoy the album. With production set to come from Mark Ronson, Cool & Dre, David Sitek, The Sleepwalkers, Sean C & LV of The Hitmen, and collabos from Bun B, Jazmine Sullivan, K'naan, and Marsha Ambrosius, the goal of Attention: Deficit is to be eclectic.
"I think it’s important to be a well-rounded individual, no matter what you do. And I apply that to the music I make — you have to let all of you show through. A part of me is very conscious, very politically aware and then there’s a side of me that thinks about girls 24/7, the side of me that likes to have fun." The album's first single is Chillin—which you may have heard—and features Lady Gaga.
I, personally, am glad. Hip-hop has gotten stagnant. Artists are trying to sell ringtones, not records. The rest are trying to sell drugs (or lying about selling them). I think Wale and Kanye are the link back to the old school. Yeah, Kanye whines a lot, and has a big ego, eh, eh, eh (no homo), but he's doing something different. You can hate on Kanye and 808s and Heartbreak, but nobody else in hip-hop was doing what he did on that album. Yeah, people were doing one or two tracks, but Kanye did a whole album. And it was on some real deal emotional stuff. To me, the monotony in hip-hop is disgusting, so this will be a welcomed change. Go to datpiff.com, or wherever you get your mixtapes, and pick up these. Make sure to grab that album when it comes out in October.
Wall-ee, he's not a trash-compacting robot from the future). Check him out.
He grew up in Northwest D.C, and was was originally bred on the D.C.-indigenous funky, percussive hip-hop sub-genre called go-go. He blew up in 2006 when the track "Dig Dug (Shake It)" became popular in Washington, D.C., Maryland and Virginia. The song became the most requested by a local artist in D.C. radio history, and was included on his first mixtape, Paint a Picture.
He has a Talib Kweli flow, a dash of Kanye's swag and bravado, and Wayne's metaphors and one-liners, without the non sequiturs. We'll call him a thinking man’s Weezy, minus the dope. His lyrics are smart, but not to the point where they get in the way. Mark Ronson describes him as, "A Cross Between Lil Wayne, Lupe Fiasco And Nas.
He describes himself as, "A little more Talib, less Jay-Z. A little less Nasir (Nas for those who don't know), more A-Z. A little more Consequence than Kanye, the underdog from the underground, Wale."
He's done five "official" mix tapes since 2006, three of which have received acclaim:100 Miles and Running (2007), Seinfeld-themed, The Mixtape About Nothing (2008) and Back to the Feature (2009). His Interscope Records debut album, Attention: Defecit, dropping October 20, is the exclamation point on four years of buzz-enducing mixtapes.
Aiming to break the monotony of hip-hop, you won't hear any two-step, lean back or snap on his album. One track, "Shades", featuring Chrisette Michelle, discusses inter-black racism, and ruminates on hip-hop's use of the n-word. The album also features songs about romantic dilemmas and maintaining his integrity amid the hype. On "The Bomb", Wale addresses whether his intellectual flow takes away from his street cred.
He spits: “I’m chastised. They say I’m not hood enough. Fuck it, I’m good – I just kill it with my rhetoric. A clip full of syllables, licking off shots like the last sip available. You cannot configure my particular curriculum. Ridiculous. You niggas don’t even deserve my syllabus.”
But he also likes to have some fun, so you won't need a dictionary or a textbook to enjoy the album. With production set to come from Mark Ronson, Cool & Dre, David Sitek, The Sleepwalkers, Sean C & LV of The Hitmen, and collabos from Bun B, Jazmine Sullivan, K'naan, and Marsha Ambrosius, the goal of Attention: Deficit is to be eclectic.
"I think it’s important to be a well-rounded individual, no matter what you do. And I apply that to the music I make — you have to let all of you show through. A part of me is very conscious, very politically aware and then there’s a side of me that thinks about girls 24/7, the side of me that likes to have fun." The album's first single is Chillin—which you may have heard—and features Lady Gaga.
I, personally, am glad. Hip-hop has gotten stagnant. Artists are trying to sell ringtones, not records. The rest are trying to sell drugs (or lying about selling them). I think Wale and Kanye are the link back to the old school. Yeah, Kanye whines a lot, and has a big ego, eh, eh, eh (no homo), but he's doing something different. You can hate on Kanye and 808s and Heartbreak, but nobody else in hip-hop was doing what he did on that album. Yeah, people were doing one or two tracks, but Kanye did a whole album. And it was on some real deal emotional stuff. To me, the monotony in hip-hop is disgusting, so this will be a welcomed change. Go to datpiff.com, or wherever you get your mixtapes, and pick up these. Make sure to grab that album when it comes out in October.
Wheels Of Change
What? I saw in Marshall's that they've redone the handicapped logo. I guess somebody thought the wheelchair contingent needed a pick me up. Or maybe they wanted to bring the logo up to date. He looks like he's put on some weight, which is good because his body has finally caught up to his head. And from the lines behind him, he's obviously in motion. I guess I'd be on the move too if I my toothpick body just grew into my bowling ball sized head, and I had my arms surgically detached from my wheelchair.
August 25, 2009
You Break It, You Buy It.
So, before I left to go to Winston-Salem, I went to Marshall's to pick up some things I needed. I passed by this sign in the furniture section. I thought it was pretty funny. I mean, I get it—they don't want people coming in and lounging on the furniture. At the same time, do they really think somebody is going to buy a chair they haven't sat in? Would you buy a car without test driving it? Would you buy a house you hadn't stepped foot in? Would you marry a girl you haven't...(I'll let your mind wander on that one)? Absolutely not. So what makes them think somebody is going to buy a loveseat their butt hasn't mingled with?
I'd hope they're not worried about the furniture breaking when a customer tests it out. If so, why are they selling it in the first place? I know Marshall's isn't Furniture Warehouse, but I don't expect my recliner to crumble as soon as I sit in it. God forbid you find out the stuff is crappy before you get it home. Then you can't return it. They're probably working on the "you break it, you buy it" principle, and all sales are final. I kept looking for a fat guy in the back ready to jump out like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy, "What'd you do," should you sit in it and it breaks. They should be more worried about selling shoddy furniture than somebody sitting in it. But maybe that's just me.
All The Single Ladies
It's come to my attention that there's a lot of complaining going on about guys in the sack. This guy doesn't do this. This guy isn't doing that. He can't get me off. How often do you hear guys complaining about a girl's bedroom prowess? Never? You know why? Because from the time a guy is 13, most of his life is spent trying to devise new ways to get in girls' pants. When he does, he's thanking his lucky starts it actually happened. There's no time to try worry about what he liked and what he didn't. Besides, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. To a guy, sex is like pizza: some is better than others, but it's all good simply on principle.
Ladies, on the other hand, don't have to worry much about. From the time they're 13, guys have been trying to get in their pants. If they want it, they know they can get it. And when they do, there's not much to think about. So they spend lots of time thinking about this thing and that, and if it was good or not. They know all the responsibility is on the guy to make it good.
But here's the real reason why there's a difference between guys and girls when it comes to this. As I said, guys are always trying, but unless you're Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington, things don't always go down as planned. There's a lot of self-exploratory that goes on in between time. At the end of this, we're pretty well aware of what we like and what we don't.
On the other hand, I've found a lot of women aren't into self-exploratory. So there's all this complaining going on, but what exactly are you bringing to the table? If you don't know what you like, how do you expect the guy to know? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
And anybody who has tried to get with a girl who isn't one with herself knows what I'm talking about. It's like trying to figure out which switch controls what when a fuse is blown in the house. You gotta run down to the fuse box, flip one of the breakers, and run back upstairs to see if it worked. If it didn't, you run back down and do it all over again. It's tiring, and way too much work. It's the same way with a girl who has a car but doesn't work on it from time to time. You're constantly running back upstairs with that, did-that-work look on your face.
Ladies, on the other hand, don't have to worry much about. From the time they're 13, guys have been trying to get in their pants. If they want it, they know they can get it. And when they do, there's not much to think about. So they spend lots of time thinking about this thing and that, and if it was good or not. They know all the responsibility is on the guy to make it good.
But here's the real reason why there's a difference between guys and girls when it comes to this. As I said, guys are always trying, but unless you're Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington, things don't always go down as planned. There's a lot of self-exploratory that goes on in between time. At the end of this, we're pretty well aware of what we like and what we don't.
On the other hand, I've found a lot of women aren't into self-exploratory. So there's all this complaining going on, but what exactly are you bringing to the table? If you don't know what you like, how do you expect the guy to know? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
And anybody who has tried to get with a girl who isn't one with herself knows what I'm talking about. It's like trying to figure out which switch controls what when a fuse is blown in the house. You gotta run down to the fuse box, flip one of the breakers, and run back upstairs to see if it worked. If it didn't, you run back down and do it all over again. It's tiring, and way too much work. It's the same way with a girl who has a car but doesn't work on it from time to time. You're constantly running back upstairs with that, did-that-work look on your face.
August 24, 2009
My Bad
I apologize for depriving you of the greatness that is my blog for so long. Ok, that's the only joke I'm going to tell today. Seriously, it's been too long. I have been thinking, though, just not writing. I have some backed stuff coming soon. To anybody who cares, I was in Winston-Salem, NC for two months. I was doing a two month internship that I was hoping would turn into a job. No dice. It's all good, though. I met some cool people. Shout out to Maureen (I told her I would). She took and passed the bar, so big ups to her. She also succeeded in blowing me off in more ways than I thought humanly possible. Big ups on that as well. She always made it sound good. Also, shout out to all the other interns. To everybody else, updates are on the way. Don't fret.
May 26, 2009
Hit 'Em in the Thorax?
I was reading Maxim the other day and read a story about a website that features bugs fighting to the death. I know some animal rights activists will be outraged — and maybe I'm wrong for saying it — but it's hilarious. There's even a Japanese announcer in the background calling the action. I'll bet a dollar to a dime somebody has money on this stuff. Maybe Vick can get into this while on house arrest. It's probably not as exciting as a dog fight, but even the most faithful PETA members have used a fly swatter. They won't have a leg to stand on. Mike will be free to open a bug training ring in his house — call it Bad Newz Bugz. Let he who is without bug spray cast the first stone.
May 19, 2009
It's I'm So Fly coming around turn three, followed by Stuntin' Like My Daddy and Ain't No Thang
I love horses, so I've been watching the recent races on tv. I visited a stable once and was mesmerized by contrast between their size and docility. Their eyes are so inquisitive — following you around — taking in everything going on. When I spoke to them, I felt like they understood. I fell in love with horses that day.
That being said, there has to be other brothas with an appreciation for horses. They may even become new-wave flossin'. No more jewelery, Lambourgini's or yachts — just thoroughbred racing.
Nothing says stuntin' like a $15,000 animal (think Tony Mantana and the white tiger from Scarface). But that's just the horse, not to mention the costs for a trainer, vets, medication a blacksmith, quartering, stable supplies, travel expenses and management costs. If you can afford a horse, you're definitely ballin'. And any time we get to throw some money around we'll take.
And you know we'll bet on anything from a crap game to a three-legged race at a family reunion. Since we're probably already betting on the races, why not put a horse in the fight and make some money off the damn thing. You know a brotha gotta have a side hustle.
As of now, I don't think there are any brothas in horse racing. Just listen to the names: Secretariat, Mine That Bird, Affirmed, War Emblem, Seattle Slew and Real Quiet. Secretariat sounds like secretary. Not flashy enough. I don't know what the hell a Mine That Bird is. Affirmed sounds like what happens when the jury confirms a ruling in court, so that's out. Brothas don't like war, or emblems — ask George Bush. I don't think there are many brothas in Seattle to be slain, and the only time a brotha is real quiet is while he's eating. The only ones that are even close are Big Brown and Street Sense — maybe Affirmed if we're talking about action.
When we start hearing names like, Aye Li'l Shawty, Back That Thang Up, Mo' Money Mo' Problems, Ain't No Thang and Superman Dat Hoe, we'll know we've broken through. Can you imagine the announcers fumbling over those names? It would be hilarious.
"This should be a great race today John. Jay-Z's horse, "Fresh To Death" (Fresh Ta Def), is the prohibitive favorite. Young Jeezy's "I Get Lots of That" (I Gettalotta Dat) is coming in at 3-1 odds."
If you think the Kentucky Derby is a spectacle now, imagine when Jay-Z and Young Jeezy are doing the pre-race concert. It'll be like the Super Bowl of horse racing. There will be a whole new crowd watching racing. There'll be all new beefs. Instead of rapping about who's the better rapper, there will be songs about whose horse is better. Can you imagine DMX in an ascot rapping about how his horse merced Common's?
"And the Grammy for best Thoroughbred Beef Single goes to DMX for, "Your Horse Ain't Shit".
That being said, there has to be other brothas with an appreciation for horses. They may even become new-wave flossin'. No more jewelery, Lambourgini's or yachts — just thoroughbred racing.
Nothing says stuntin' like a $15,000 animal (think Tony Mantana and the white tiger from Scarface). But that's just the horse, not to mention the costs for a trainer, vets, medication a blacksmith, quartering, stable supplies, travel expenses and management costs. If you can afford a horse, you're definitely ballin'. And any time we get to throw some money around we'll take.
And you know we'll bet on anything from a crap game to a three-legged race at a family reunion. Since we're probably already betting on the races, why not put a horse in the fight and make some money off the damn thing. You know a brotha gotta have a side hustle.
As of now, I don't think there are any brothas in horse racing. Just listen to the names: Secretariat, Mine That Bird, Affirmed, War Emblem, Seattle Slew and Real Quiet. Secretariat sounds like secretary. Not flashy enough. I don't know what the hell a Mine That Bird is. Affirmed sounds like what happens when the jury confirms a ruling in court, so that's out. Brothas don't like war, or emblems — ask George Bush. I don't think there are many brothas in Seattle to be slain, and the only time a brotha is real quiet is while he's eating. The only ones that are even close are Big Brown and Street Sense — maybe Affirmed if we're talking about action.
When we start hearing names like, Aye Li'l Shawty, Back That Thang Up, Mo' Money Mo' Problems, Ain't No Thang and Superman Dat Hoe, we'll know we've broken through. Can you imagine the announcers fumbling over those names? It would be hilarious.
"This should be a great race today John. Jay-Z's horse, "Fresh To Death" (Fresh Ta Def), is the prohibitive favorite. Young Jeezy's "I Get Lots of That" (I Gettalotta Dat) is coming in at 3-1 odds."
If you think the Kentucky Derby is a spectacle now, imagine when Jay-Z and Young Jeezy are doing the pre-race concert. It'll be like the Super Bowl of horse racing. There will be a whole new crowd watching racing. There'll be all new beefs. Instead of rapping about who's the better rapper, there will be songs about whose horse is better. Can you imagine DMX in an ascot rapping about how his horse merced Common's?
"And the Grammy for best Thoroughbred Beef Single goes to DMX for, "Your Horse Ain't Shit".
May 13, 2009
And You Know What Else?
I also hate that grocery separator. You know — the little bar people put behind their groceries so the cashier doesn't mix theirs with the person's behind them. I never use it, and it pisses me off when the people in front of me do. Is it even necessary, especially when all you have is a loaf of bread or something? You're right there next to the cashier. What type of extreme A.D.D do you have to have to stand there and let them ring up items that aren't yours? Pay attention. It takes two minutes. And what about the person behind — where in Narnia are you that you didn't speak up while it was happening? Unless you're going to try and catch the A.D.D guy in the parking lot and work our some sort of trade, you're not getting your stuff back. Then you have to get out of line, find more string cheese and taco mix and get back in line again. Or even worse, the old guy gets home and finds out he bought Chicken Ramen when he only eats Oriental, and condoms that aren't his brand. You? You're right back where you started — realizing that you can't do your two favorite things in the world unless you go to the store.
The bar is disrespectful if you ask me. We've already decided that there's really no need for it. So what other reason do people use it for other than to express their displeasure with your selections? It's like grocery store classism. The bar is a way for people to subtly turn your nose up at off-brand purchases. Your groceries are better than mine and you want everybody to know it. You look at my store brand cereal and think oh, I don't want my Cheerios touching that guys Wheat Circles. And they certainly don't want the cashier thinking they drink Appalachian Rain instead of Sierra Mist. The next time somebody puts the bar behind their groceries I'm going to break it over my knee and scream, "You're not better than meeeeeee!" If a crazy person shouting messages of equality to a breaking a grocery store separator o doesn't make you pay attention to what's going on around you then nothing will.
The bar is disrespectful if you ask me. We've already decided that there's really no need for it. So what other reason do people use it for other than to express their displeasure with your selections? It's like grocery store classism. The bar is a way for people to subtly turn your nose up at off-brand purchases. Your groceries are better than mine and you want everybody to know it. You look at my store brand cereal and think oh, I don't want my Cheerios touching that guys Wheat Circles. And they certainly don't want the cashier thinking they drink Appalachian Rain instead of Sierra Mist. The next time somebody puts the bar behind their groceries I'm going to break it over my knee and scream, "You're not better than meeeeeee!" If a crazy person shouting messages of equality to a breaking a grocery store separator o doesn't make you pay attention to what's going on around you then nothing will.
May 09, 2009
Reporting Live From This Years Stripper Olympics
A friend sent me a link to a video of the Miss Pole Dance 2009 competition. Who knew? I guess I no longer have to wonder what gymnasts do after they're finished competing.
Anyway, it seems as though somebody out there is trying to legitimize pole dancing. I have no problem with that. They even have a mission: Miss Pole Dance was created to change preconceived ideas of pole dance as a form of fitness by creating jaw-dropping choreographed events of pole dance containing stunning feats of fitness and agility making pole fitness accessible and accepted as a fitness routine and highly technical dance form open to both amateurs and professional female dancers alike, and keep statistics: since 2005, we have witnessed an explosive growth of over 4200% (2005-2007) in new pole dance schools offering pole dance as a form of fitness.
I don't know who's keeping tabs on stripper classes, but apparently they're pretty busy right about now. You can even get accreditation as a pole dance instructor. I guess the National Association for Stripper Certification (NASC), pronounced NASS, or Nas, as in -T, has been pretty busy too.
There is even a movement to possibly get pole dancing into the Olympics. I certainly appreciate the athletic ability of these women and the dance that the women above performed was somewhat elegant, except for the fact that it was performed very scantily clad and on a pole. I have no problem with them trying to legitimize pole dancing. To each their own. I guess what I have a problem with is they're trying to make me think that the women entering the contest live in my neighborhood, are my next-door neighbor and lead the girl scout meetings every Tuesday. I'm not buying it. Yes, I'm sure that women across the globe are taking pole dancing classes, but take a look at these pictures.
Is that a schoolgirl costume? Do you see any PTA board members in that group? Hell, those aren't even the girls that show up on amateur night at the club. Those are full-on strippers. If she looks like a stripper and dances like a stripper, then her name's probably Destiny. Yeah, they have their clothes on so they're technically not stripper, but they're certainly acting stripper-ish.
And for that, I just can't imagine it being an Olympic sport. First, could they even cover that on regular cable networks. I mean check out the move at the start of the video, or the one at 1:30. I see a lot more stripper in that move than Olympian. And of course there's the problem with clothes, or lack thereof. Since they certainly can't go on wearing actual stripper attire, I guess they'll be wearing Olympic sanctioned team colored leopard leotards and high heels. All non-sanctioned props — hats, canes, whips, glitter-infused oils and gloves — will have to be pre-approved by the sanctioning body. Any non-approved props used during a routine will resutlt in the deduction of a point.
And that brings us to scoring. How exactly are they going to do that? In boners? We've all seen what goes on in strip clubs. We know what they do on the pole, but there's no universal terminology for the moves. Are they going to come up with names and terminology?
"And next up is Candi. There's a lot of difficulty in her routine, including a Crotch Clinch 360, a Between-the-Legs No-Look 180 and the very difficult Peek-A-Boo Special.
"Yeah, Tom, her routine was special. Best I've seen this round. I'd give it 8 boners. Would've been 10, but she slipped a little on her dismount. Boners will definitely be deducted there."
And to compete in the Olympics you have to be an amateur athlete. That means you can't receive pay. Sorry Lace, you do not qualify. Raven, you became ineligible when you took those ones at the Williams bachelor party, and Sparkle when you donned the secretary outfit and booty clapped your way all the way to the next tax bracket. Bambi, you were disqualified as soon as you stepped foot into the champagne room. Is the US going to open a Stripper Training Center in Las Vegas? Who's going to compete? It certainly isn't going to be soccer moms, and real strippers won't qualify. I guess for now this is just pipe dream for a handful of strippers trying to legitimize what they do, and a wet dream for most men starring the combination of all of their fantasies: sports and strippers.
Anyway, it seems as though somebody out there is trying to legitimize pole dancing. I have no problem with that. They even have a mission: Miss Pole Dance was created to change preconceived ideas of pole dance as a form of fitness by creating jaw-dropping choreographed events of pole dance containing stunning feats of fitness and agility making pole fitness accessible and accepted as a fitness routine and highly technical dance form open to both amateurs and professional female dancers alike, and keep statistics: since 2005, we have witnessed an explosive growth of over 4200% (2005-2007) in new pole dance schools offering pole dance as a form of fitness.
I don't know who's keeping tabs on stripper classes, but apparently they're pretty busy right about now. You can even get accreditation as a pole dance instructor. I guess the National Association for Stripper Certification (NASC), pronounced NASS, or Nas, as in -T, has been pretty busy too.
There is even a movement to possibly get pole dancing into the Olympics. I certainly appreciate the athletic ability of these women and the dance that the women above performed was somewhat elegant, except for the fact that it was performed very scantily clad and on a pole. I have no problem with them trying to legitimize pole dancing. To each their own. I guess what I have a problem with is they're trying to make me think that the women entering the contest live in my neighborhood, are my next-door neighbor and lead the girl scout meetings every Tuesday. I'm not buying it. Yes, I'm sure that women across the globe are taking pole dancing classes, but take a look at these pictures.
Is that a schoolgirl costume? Do you see any PTA board members in that group? Hell, those aren't even the girls that show up on amateur night at the club. Those are full-on strippers. If she looks like a stripper and dances like a stripper, then her name's probably Destiny. Yeah, they have their clothes on so they're technically not stripper, but they're certainly acting stripper-ish. And for that, I just can't imagine it being an Olympic sport. First, could they even cover that on regular cable networks. I mean check out the move at the start of the video, or the one at 1:30. I see a lot more stripper in that move than Olympian. And of course there's the problem with clothes, or lack thereof. Since they certainly can't go on wearing actual stripper attire, I guess they'll be wearing Olympic sanctioned team colored leopard leotards and high heels. All non-sanctioned props — hats, canes, whips, glitter-infused oils and gloves — will have to be pre-approved by the sanctioning body. Any non-approved props used during a routine will resutlt in the deduction of a point.
And that brings us to scoring. How exactly are they going to do that? In boners? We've all seen what goes on in strip clubs. We know what they do on the pole, but there's no universal terminology for the moves. Are they going to come up with names and terminology?
"And next up is Candi. There's a lot of difficulty in her routine, including a Crotch Clinch 360, a Between-the-Legs No-Look 180 and the very difficult Peek-A-Boo Special.
"Yeah, Tom, her routine was special. Best I've seen this round. I'd give it 8 boners. Would've been 10, but she slipped a little on her dismount. Boners will definitely be deducted there."
And to compete in the Olympics you have to be an amateur athlete. That means you can't receive pay. Sorry Lace, you do not qualify. Raven, you became ineligible when you took those ones at the Williams bachelor party, and Sparkle when you donned the secretary outfit and booty clapped your way all the way to the next tax bracket. Bambi, you were disqualified as soon as you stepped foot into the champagne room. Is the US going to open a Stripper Training Center in Las Vegas? Who's going to compete? It certainly isn't going to be soccer moms, and real strippers won't qualify. I guess for now this is just pipe dream for a handful of strippers trying to legitimize what they do, and a wet dream for most men starring the combination of all of their fantasies: sports and strippers.
May 03, 2009
"You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?"
You know what makes me mad: when people ask for a certain color M&M. As if they taste different. It's not like Skittles. Blue M&Ms taste just like yellow ones. Don't make me waste time mining my bag of M&Ms to find a blue one for you. The next time somebody asks me for a certain color M&M I'm going to pour out the whole bag in my hand, eat the ones they asked for and pelt them with what's left.
Also, my name is Charles Anthony Thomas, Jr. Don't ask me where the J comes from. If you stop and think about it for two more seconds you won't ask me that question.
And don't walk into a room where I'm obviously watching t.v., reading a book or talking on the phone and ask me what I'm doing. If I have to spell it out for you then you obviously live in a fantasy world where people who look like they're watching t.v. are really playing baseball, so you wouldn't get it anyway.
If I am on the phone and you see that I'm on the phone, discontinue trying to have a conversation with me. I will ignore you and you will only succeed in making me angry, as well as wasting your breath. If you're bleeding, by all means, interrupt. If you can't breathe, you can't very well interrupt, but I will see your distress and promptly hang up. If you want to have a conversation about who should've gotten voted off on Dancing with the Stars today, you're going to have to wait.
If we're in the car and I'm navigating, don't continaually ask me where the next turn is. I'm not going to let you pass it. If you wait, I promise I'll tell you. However, if by some unforeseen circumstance, like I'm choking on a mouth full of the yellow M&Ms you asked for, I let you pass the turn, feel free to slam on the breaks so I slam my head on the dash. On the same note, if I'm driving please show the same courtesy. Don't tell me two turns after that I missed it, especially if it's because you're texting or filing your nails. And don't tell me you didn't say anything because you thought I knew where we were going. Unless we've been to where we're going together, assume I have no idea where it is. I'll let you know.
Guys, don't stand in the middle urinal when there are perfectly good ones to your right and left — same with the troughs at the ballgame. Use the closest open urinal or trough space furthest to the left. I don't want to have to stand right next to you if I don't have to.
I don't want to sound curmudgeon; these are just a couple things that were on my mind.
Also, my name is Charles Anthony Thomas, Jr. Don't ask me where the J comes from. If you stop and think about it for two more seconds you won't ask me that question.
And don't walk into a room where I'm obviously watching t.v., reading a book or talking on the phone and ask me what I'm doing. If I have to spell it out for you then you obviously live in a fantasy world where people who look like they're watching t.v. are really playing baseball, so you wouldn't get it anyway.
If I am on the phone and you see that I'm on the phone, discontinue trying to have a conversation with me. I will ignore you and you will only succeed in making me angry, as well as wasting your breath. If you're bleeding, by all means, interrupt. If you can't breathe, you can't very well interrupt, but I will see your distress and promptly hang up. If you want to have a conversation about who should've gotten voted off on Dancing with the Stars today, you're going to have to wait.
If we're in the car and I'm navigating, don't continaually ask me where the next turn is. I'm not going to let you pass it. If you wait, I promise I'll tell you. However, if by some unforeseen circumstance, like I'm choking on a mouth full of the yellow M&Ms you asked for, I let you pass the turn, feel free to slam on the breaks so I slam my head on the dash. On the same note, if I'm driving please show the same courtesy. Don't tell me two turns after that I missed it, especially if it's because you're texting or filing your nails. And don't tell me you didn't say anything because you thought I knew where we were going. Unless we've been to where we're going together, assume I have no idea where it is. I'll let you know.
Guys, don't stand in the middle urinal when there are perfectly good ones to your right and left — same with the troughs at the ballgame. Use the closest open urinal or trough space furthest to the left. I don't want to have to stand right next to you if I don't have to.
I don't want to sound curmudgeon; these are just a couple things that were on my mind.
Computer Herpes
I was watching a segment of 60 Minutes a couple weeks ago about computer viruses. Most are received on your own recognizance. Usually the virus is embedded in a link and downloaded to your computer when you click on it. How do they make you click on it? One particular virus gathers your friends email addresses via chain letters you forward. Once it does that, it allows the planter of the virus to send an email to everybody on the email list with a subject line like: check out my new dog. Once you click on the link to the pictures of the dog, you're infected. Who doesn't want to see a pictures of a cute little puppy? You're going to click on it. It's ridiculous. I'm scared to even use email. I have to call my friends to see if they really sent me something.
“Hey man, I got an email saying that you got a new puppy. Is that true? Were there pictures attached? Cool, I’ll open it up then.”
I thought the purpose of email was that it was quick and easy. If I have to call and confirm every email with an attachment I'd rather be surprised when I receive pictures of Fido via snail mail than use email and be surprised when my computer gets the Swine Flu.
“Hey man, I got an email saying that you got a new puppy. Is that true? Were there pictures attached? Cool, I’ll open it up then.”
I thought the purpose of email was that it was quick and easy. If I have to call and confirm every email with an attachment I'd rather be surprised when I receive pictures of Fido via snail mail than use email and be surprised when my computer gets the Swine Flu.
How Facebook Killed the Casual Hookup
Yesterday it occurred to me that all the social networking sights have put a major strain on the casual hookup. I'm not saying I got down like this, but remember when you could go out, holla at a girl, participate in some adult activities and never hear from them again? The whole point of the casual hookup is to get in and get out with the least possible knowledge of the other person, while also maintaining your anonymity. Facebook and Myspace have ruined that. The scenario is the same — you go out, holla at a girl and participate in some adult activities — but with Facebook and Myspace you can't say you never hear from them again. Before, you probably wrote down their phone number — even though you had no intentions of calling. Or maybe you did call them the next day to see if they got home ok, or once more just so you didn't feel like an asshole — but you never really wanted to talk to them again. Pretty soon they just became another Beth, Jenny, Dana (bad breath), (Bowlegged) Sarah, Anna (annoying laugh) or just plain "DON'T ANSWER".
Social networking has changed the game, though. You inevitably end up being friends with them on Facebook or Myspace, even though you weren't, aren't now, and have no intentions of being their friend. Like getting their phone number, it's obligatory. Either they friend you and you accept because you don't want to be an asshole, or you friend them because you don't want them to think you're an asshole and they accept because they don't want you to think they're an asshole. Maybe you send them a message to see if they got home ok, or one "thanking" them for a "good time". With the phone, the person would just fade off into oblivion if you never used their number again — just another who the hell is that in your cellphone phonebook. You can't do that with Facebook and Myspace. Whether you care or not, once you accept their friendship you're subject to hearing every boring and ridiculous detail about their life from when they get a new dog to what exactly they're doing at that very moment. You even get to find out when they have a new boyfriend, or better yet, that they had one at the moment you were engaged in adult activities, or even better still, that you're the reason their relationship is "complicated". Unfortunately, you learn more about them from their status updates than you did before you got them home. And it's usually more than you care to know. I don't care what kind of wine you are. I don't even like wine, much less you.
And unlike the phone, you can't just say you don't know them. You're forever attached, if not by the wonderful mutual friends section on your page, then by the pictures to commemorate the whole coup de grace. Anybody who's friends with the both of you knows it. So every time somebody asks you how you know so-and-so, you're forced to relive how you met at a bar, got drunk, hooked up, and how she peed in your bed and told you it was water. Then you have to tell them how awkward it is seeing them on your way to class, or how you got partnered with them for a long-term assignment. Then you find out your friend was only asking because the girl is his brothers girlfriend and he didn't know you knew each other.
Why don't you just unfriend them, you ask? Well, that takes time and effort. It shouldn't take time and effort to NOT be friends with somebody. That's completely contradictory to the way not being friends works. You're not supposed to take action to not be somebody's friend. I'm too lazy to not be friends with somebody, and I'm far too lazy to do it by unfriending people.
Social networking has changed the game, though. You inevitably end up being friends with them on Facebook or Myspace, even though you weren't, aren't now, and have no intentions of being their friend. Like getting their phone number, it's obligatory. Either they friend you and you accept because you don't want to be an asshole, or you friend them because you don't want them to think you're an asshole and they accept because they don't want you to think they're an asshole. Maybe you send them a message to see if they got home ok, or one "thanking" them for a "good time". With the phone, the person would just fade off into oblivion if you never used their number again — just another who the hell is that in your cellphone phonebook. You can't do that with Facebook and Myspace. Whether you care or not, once you accept their friendship you're subject to hearing every boring and ridiculous detail about their life from when they get a new dog to what exactly they're doing at that very moment. You even get to find out when they have a new boyfriend, or better yet, that they had one at the moment you were engaged in adult activities, or even better still, that you're the reason their relationship is "complicated". Unfortunately, you learn more about them from their status updates than you did before you got them home. And it's usually more than you care to know. I don't care what kind of wine you are. I don't even like wine, much less you.
And unlike the phone, you can't just say you don't know them. You're forever attached, if not by the wonderful mutual friends section on your page, then by the pictures to commemorate the whole coup de grace. Anybody who's friends with the both of you knows it. So every time somebody asks you how you know so-and-so, you're forced to relive how you met at a bar, got drunk, hooked up, and how she peed in your bed and told you it was water. Then you have to tell them how awkward it is seeing them on your way to class, or how you got partnered with them for a long-term assignment. Then you find out your friend was only asking because the girl is his brothers girlfriend and he didn't know you knew each other.
Why don't you just unfriend them, you ask? Well, that takes time and effort. It shouldn't take time and effort to NOT be friends with somebody. That's completely contradictory to the way not being friends works. You're not supposed to take action to not be somebody's friend. I'm too lazy to not be friends with somebody, and I'm far too lazy to do it by unfriending people.
April 01, 2009
Dear Asshole who parks all over the lines you're supposed to park between, not on, in the parking deck,
You may not be reading this, but maybe the message I have for you could help somebody else with your self-centered problem. I know you're more important than the rest us, and I understand that parking between the lines is beneath you. You're probably far too busy to take the extra seconds it takes to align your car between the lines. Even if you aren't, why should you be held to the same standards as the rest of us? It's obvious that your job title, make, model and year of car makes you exempt from doing what everybody else does. I understand that, as do the rest of us who drive Mazda 626s, Honda Accords and '97 Ford Escort hatchbacks. Being as though you're probably smarter than the rest of us, you also realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I don't know, Einstein or something. So when you don't park between the lines it throws everybody off. Then the next guy can't park between the lines, and the guy next to him can't either. Then we're all screwed up. You don't know this about me, but I'm a pretty built guy (not very limber), and when you park all over the lines I can't get out of my car without having to contort my body like a pretzel. And while the Incredible Hulk filing out of a compact car like a circus clown on steroids may look funny to you, it makes me pretty mad. So can you do us a favor as peasants and park between the lines instead? Because the one thing I hate more than having to laffy-taffy my way out of my car is getting sued—and more than that is the possibility of jail. Because see, the next time you park on the line I may, I don't know, just go into a rage and bang the hell out of your car door—maybe bust out a window. Then I'll move my car so you don't have a clue who did it. I'm not saying, but I'm just saying. It's amazing how things like money make people like you change their tune.
Thank you,
The oversized guy in the undersized car.
Thank you,
The oversized guy in the undersized car.
March 30, 2009
Where can you buy a book of email stamps?
I've blogged about how funny it is when older people use their old slang words to talk about new ideas or technology, specifically the all-encompassing word for drugs, dope. Two weeks ago I was talking to my friend's dad about another one of our friends who is apparently doing 'dope'. It was only after about fifteen minutes of talking that I realized he was talking about popping pills and not coke, heroine or weed. Parents are funny about slang that way.
But what's even funnier is the way older people use new technology. They can't get over the fact that it's nothing like the equivalent of the technology they used to use. Take the cellphone for instance. The other day I was sleeping and my dad called me to let me know I had left the lights on in my car. "This is your Dad. You left the lights on in your car. I repeat, you left the lights on in your car." I guess he thought he was on a walkie-talkie or something. The only thing he was missing was, breaker 1-9, do you copy.
And it's funny because if you have the slightest idea about a certain technology then you're automatically an expert on it. Because I can maintain the simplest of computer tasks—an email account, a website and a blog—I'm some kind of computer genius to my mom. I don't know much, but i can do the basics. She always comes to me as if I know everything about computers. I've become the designated I.T. guy at home just because I know that you don't need stamps to send an email and a guy with hot pants on and a mailbag isn't coming to pick it up.
But what's even funnier is the way older people use new technology. They can't get over the fact that it's nothing like the equivalent of the technology they used to use. Take the cellphone for instance. The other day I was sleeping and my dad called me to let me know I had left the lights on in my car. "This is your Dad. You left the lights on in your car. I repeat, you left the lights on in your car." I guess he thought he was on a walkie-talkie or something. The only thing he was missing was, breaker 1-9, do you copy.
And it's funny because if you have the slightest idea about a certain technology then you're automatically an expert on it. Because I can maintain the simplest of computer tasks—an email account, a website and a blog—I'm some kind of computer genius to my mom. I don't know much, but i can do the basics. She always comes to me as if I know everything about computers. I've become the designated I.T. guy at home just because I know that you don't need stamps to send an email and a guy with hot pants on and a mailbag isn't coming to pick it up.
Are you gettin' what I'm givin'?
There are very few universal terms in language today. If I said, that's the shit in Saudi Arabia, I may have my tongue cut out for using fowl language, or somebody would bring me a bowl of donkey manure. If I said, that's fly in Russia, somebody would start swatting the air for bugs. I have a special place in my heart though for a special phrase that I'd like to think is universal. That phrase is—she could get it. You know, when you're walking down the street on the way to lunch and a pretty girl walks by. You tap your buddy on the shoulder and say, "She could get it." I said it just yesterday, as did probably half on the men on the planet. Nothing more needs to be said. You don't need to describe what IT is. And you'll probably never see the girl again, much less talk to her, but it gets the point across in very few words. I could be wrong. Maybe they don't 'say she could get it' in Sweden, but I'd like to think that they do.
Food for thought
I'm no foodie, but every now and again I watch Food Network when I'm bored. I was watching the other day and I realized something—I don’t really watch for the food. There are some pretty attractive women on the Food Network. I mean, Giada's head is too big for her body, and Racheal Ray’s voice could pierce the hardest of steel, but both are fairly attractive women. I think there could certainly be more sexual innuendo on the shows. Then I started thinking—in today's economic climate it's important to be versatile. You need to be able to switch hats at the drop of a dime. What if the Food Network and the Spice channel had a spinoff channel? It'd probably be called Spicy Food or something like that. The network would feature an Australian-themed show called Cooking Down Under or Recipes from the Bush. The shows would be decidedly more colorful, featuring dialogue like, "See how great these potatoes look," as they bend over a pan of french fries. Or maybe, "Mmm, check out these melons," while cutting cantaloup. This will probably never happen, but it's just something to think about.
First impressions
The other day I was talking to a friend about meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He was pretty nervous about it. I told him the story about the time I was dating a girl (whatup Dana), and I went to her house to meet her parents. I was nervous too. I got even more tense once I met her father. Not because he was imposing or menacing, but because he had a lazy eye. It was swimming around in his head like a dolphin in a tank at Sea-World. I didn't know what to do. You can't make a good first impression on pops if you can't even look him in the eye. I couldn't even concentrate because I was sitting there trying to decide whether to look him in the eye and risk him thinking that I'm staring at his eye, or looking away and having him think that I can't look him in the eye. I decided to try and act busy when I was talking to him—looking for things in my pocket, petting the dog, moving food around on my plate—so I never really had to look at him. I purposely stepped on my shoe laces to untie them so I'd have to bend over and lace them back up. I went to the bathroom a lot too. That was the only place I could take a minute to decompress. I could go in there and laugh to myself or regain my composure. Luckily the relationship didn't last too long. I don't know if I could've kept doing that. And everybody knows how dads are. When a relationship is over they give each ex a nickname. I'm sure I'm the guy with IBS who couldn't tie his shoes or look a man in the eye.
Self-important drivers not wanted
And those are the same people (read previous post) who turn their ring on loud on the subway or in the grocery store so everybody can hear when their cellphone rings. As if they're so important they can't miss a phone call. And then they talk like they're at a Metalica concert as if somebody else gives a damn that their dog had to go to the vet. I think that if somebody wants to talk loud on the phone in a public place, others should feel free to add their input.
But those people are also the ones who do the one thing that really makes me want to tap dance on somebody's forehead. They creep up to the white line at a traffic light like it's the starting line at the Daytona 500. Are you kidding me? Are we racing? I'll answer that for you. No. Because races end up in the same place, and since I'm not going to the Asshole Convention we couldn't possibly be racing. Where the hell could you possibly be going that the quarter of a second you're saving by creeping up to the line really matters? Unless you've been shot, your wife is in labor or you're driving a getaway car, creeping to the line is unacceptable. Not wanting to miss the results show on American Idol is not an excuse. And your online Halo group will still be playing once you get home. They're not going anywhere. So don't patronize me by cutting me off and sticking up your hand in thanks. I didn't let you in—you muscled your way in. It's like breaking into somebody's house and leaving a note thanking them for all the cool stuff. Asshole.
But those people are also the ones who do the one thing that really makes me want to tap dance on somebody's forehead. They creep up to the white line at a traffic light like it's the starting line at the Daytona 500. Are you kidding me? Are we racing? I'll answer that for you. No. Because races end up in the same place, and since I'm not going to the Asshole Convention we couldn't possibly be racing. Where the hell could you possibly be going that the quarter of a second you're saving by creeping up to the line really matters? Unless you've been shot, your wife is in labor or you're driving a getaway car, creeping to the line is unacceptable. Not wanting to miss the results show on American Idol is not an excuse. And your online Halo group will still be playing once you get home. They're not going anywhere. So don't patronize me by cutting me off and sticking up your hand in thanks. I didn't let you in—you muscled your way in. It's like breaking into somebody's house and leaving a note thanking them for all the cool stuff. Asshole.
February 09, 2009
Looking busy doesn't make you busy
I used to work at a place with two, maybe three, people that would run to the copy machine to get their documents from the printer. It didn't really frustrate me so much as it made me laugh. I can't stand self-important people. They're the same ones who act as if they can't take a breath lest they be buried helplessly beneath a pile of work. The people who get to work early, not necessarily to do work, but so they can tell everybody they were there first. Or the ones who stay late playing online Scrabble and Facbooking, trying to ride it out like they're working. That's until the boss leaves, whereupon they're out the door before his tires leave the pavement in the parking deck.
Those are the same kind of people who fast-walk to the copy machine. What's up with that? Where the hell are you going so fast? I guess walking double-time adds to their productivity by shaving useless seconds spent walking. I guess I'm supposed to think, Wow, they must be busy!? I can almost assure you if I asked them why they were in such a hurry they would say, "So much work," (too busy for complete sentences) with their Red Bull, Starbucks coffee or the newest herbal tea sloshing in their hand as they run. So busy the printer that does a gazillion sheets a second is too slow for them? You going to catch the printer taking a break? Now, don't get me wrong; there are times when you need to be running, just not everyday, and certainly not every couple of minutes. If you do it every day, it's like the little boy who cried wolf. People are sitting there thinking, yeah right, I don't believe you. Is it a game? Do you get extra points for a fast time?
It's a defense mechanism. If you're running to the copy machine you must be busy, right? But it doesn't really mater. Nobody believes you—much less cares. They think their drastically fast pace to the copy machine somehow equates to their station or importance at work. It doesn't. Running to the copy machine is not a proxy for effort. It's a proxy for douche-bag—like wearing too much cologne. You can be busy and not run to the copy machine. In fact, most people who aren't self-important do it regularly. I guess in the days of layoffs and the mortgage meltdown, actually working hard isn't enough anymore. People need to go that extra mile to prove their importance—to make themselves look better in the eyes of somebody. The thing is, the people they're trying to impress aren't stupid. They didn't get to where they are by thinking that the guy running to the copy machine is more important than the guy who walks there like a normal person. The shame of the matter is that the people they're trying to impress are probably too busy to notice.
Those are the same kind of people who fast-walk to the copy machine. What's up with that? Where the hell are you going so fast? I guess walking double-time adds to their productivity by shaving useless seconds spent walking. I guess I'm supposed to think, Wow, they must be busy!? I can almost assure you if I asked them why they were in such a hurry they would say, "So much work," (too busy for complete sentences) with their Red Bull, Starbucks coffee or the newest herbal tea sloshing in their hand as they run. So busy the printer that does a gazillion sheets a second is too slow for them? You going to catch the printer taking a break? Now, don't get me wrong; there are times when you need to be running, just not everyday, and certainly not every couple of minutes. If you do it every day, it's like the little boy who cried wolf. People are sitting there thinking, yeah right, I don't believe you. Is it a game? Do you get extra points for a fast time?
It's a defense mechanism. If you're running to the copy machine you must be busy, right? But it doesn't really mater. Nobody believes you—much less cares. They think their drastically fast pace to the copy machine somehow equates to their station or importance at work. It doesn't. Running to the copy machine is not a proxy for effort. It's a proxy for douche-bag—like wearing too much cologne. You can be busy and not run to the copy machine. In fact, most people who aren't self-important do it regularly. I guess in the days of layoffs and the mortgage meltdown, actually working hard isn't enough anymore. People need to go that extra mile to prove their importance—to make themselves look better in the eyes of somebody. The thing is, the people they're trying to impress aren't stupid. They didn't get to where they are by thinking that the guy running to the copy machine is more important than the guy who walks there like a normal person. The shame of the matter is that the people they're trying to impress are probably too busy to notice.
January 21, 2009
Say it with a song
Since the beginning of time it has been well documented that women love a man that can sing—even better if he writes the words he croons, or can play an instrument while doing it. I'm sure there were regular cavemen in Pangea who despised their more musically inclined brethren who sang their oogas and boogas with silky smooth voices. And almost certainly there were cavewomen who didn't even have to be bonked on the head to be dragged back to their cave. We regular guys have always hated men who sing. Why? Some say it's just hating, but I say it's envy. Not BECAUSE they can sing, but because they can say whatever they want to a woman as long as they're singing it. The rest of us don't have that luxury. We actually have to think before we speak. We have to think of the consequences of the things we say. It has come to my attention that instead of despising these men, we should take a page from their song book and start writing on it. I am almost certain that you can say just about anything to a woman as long as you sing it. I give you the lyrics to Dave Matthews' song Dreamgirl:
I was feelin' like a creep as I watched you asleep face down in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a hot afternoon. Your top was untied, and I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine.
It has been widely recognized that some Dave Matthews songs are more creepy than sweet, yet because he is singing them, women don't hear it. And I must say, Dave, you were feeling like a creep because you are one. It sounds like he's describing the scene of a rape. And I'm not a girl, but that shit sounds pretty creepy to me. I don't know many girls that would find that sweet. But Dave sings it with a nasaly, throaty twang that would make hippy girls throw their panties on the stage if they were wearing any. Why? Because he's singing the words. You try saying that to your girlfriend and see how long she's your girlfriend. But she'd be stand in line to date next long haired guitar player who sings creepy lyrics just like that.
But it doesn't just apply to long haired, guitar playing singers. It extends itself to R&B artists as well. Take this song by Jaheim lovingly titled Me and My Bitch. (Sorry mom, that's the name of the song).
It's on tonight. Cash up in the dash and I'm feelin' right. Got heat up in the seat just in case of beef for anyone who wanna come test me and my baby. Honey don't be afraid. See this cat ridin' in that Escalade? Plotting on my riches, yeah he will get slayed. Messin 'round with me and my lady, me and my bitch.
No matter how much she wants a bad boy, getting your girlfriend caught up as an accomplice to murder isn't exactly sweet. This brand of thuggery is usually reserved for rap. And If this were a rap song Delores Tucker and Oprah would be all over it. But hoodrats with stab wounds and women with 401ks all swoon together over this thugtastic song. I guess the smooth chocolatey way Jaheim sings makes the b word sound more like sweetie pie or honey drop.
So, you have bad news to tell your girlfriend? Sing that shit. Whether it be, I want to see other people; I'm sleeping with your friend; I'm sleeping with your mother; or, that dress does make you look fat, I urge you to write a song about it. It doesn't matter if you can sing or play an instrument. Hell, play the air drum or air guitar if you have to. Sing it acapella. It doesn't even matter if it rhymes. She will be so excited that you penned a song and sang it to her, she may totally forget what the hell you're saying anyway. You may get halfway down the street before she realizes what you said. It could at least buy you some time to run.
I was feelin' like a creep as I watched you asleep face down in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a hot afternoon. Your top was untied, and I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine.
It has been widely recognized that some Dave Matthews songs are more creepy than sweet, yet because he is singing them, women don't hear it. And I must say, Dave, you were feeling like a creep because you are one. It sounds like he's describing the scene of a rape. And I'm not a girl, but that shit sounds pretty creepy to me. I don't know many girls that would find that sweet. But Dave sings it with a nasaly, throaty twang that would make hippy girls throw their panties on the stage if they were wearing any. Why? Because he's singing the words. You try saying that to your girlfriend and see how long she's your girlfriend. But she'd be stand in line to date next long haired guitar player who sings creepy lyrics just like that.
But it doesn't just apply to long haired, guitar playing singers. It extends itself to R&B artists as well. Take this song by Jaheim lovingly titled Me and My Bitch. (Sorry mom, that's the name of the song).
It's on tonight. Cash up in the dash and I'm feelin' right. Got heat up in the seat just in case of beef for anyone who wanna come test me and my baby. Honey don't be afraid. See this cat ridin' in that Escalade? Plotting on my riches, yeah he will get slayed. Messin 'round with me and my lady, me and my bitch.
No matter how much she wants a bad boy, getting your girlfriend caught up as an accomplice to murder isn't exactly sweet. This brand of thuggery is usually reserved for rap. And If this were a rap song Delores Tucker and Oprah would be all over it. But hoodrats with stab wounds and women with 401ks all swoon together over this thugtastic song. I guess the smooth chocolatey way Jaheim sings makes the b word sound more like sweetie pie or honey drop.
So, you have bad news to tell your girlfriend? Sing that shit. Whether it be, I want to see other people; I'm sleeping with your friend; I'm sleeping with your mother; or, that dress does make you look fat, I urge you to write a song about it. It doesn't matter if you can sing or play an instrument. Hell, play the air drum or air guitar if you have to. Sing it acapella. It doesn't even matter if it rhymes. She will be so excited that you penned a song and sang it to her, she may totally forget what the hell you're saying anyway. You may get halfway down the street before she realizes what you said. It could at least buy you some time to run.
January 20, 2009
The cuddle cure
There are many things that anger women about men. One of the biggest is that we fall to sleep immediately after sex, and girls usually want to cuddle and talk about feelings. What can we do? Apparently we're from different planets. Actually, mens' brains excrete tryptophan, a natural sedative, when they get off. We can't help but roll over and fall asleep. Women, on the hand, are the exact opposite. They release oxytocin, a bonding chemical after sex. That's why they want to chit-chat, cuddle and feng shei the livingroom afterwards.
Well fellas, I'm about to blow your mind. In my 11 years of sexual studies, I've found that women also desire to fall asleep after sex—but only under certain circumstances. When you are finished having sex with your girl, ask her questions about something you know she doesn't want to talk about. For example: what was that threesome with your best friend and her boyfriend like; or, was it weird when you say your best friends dad's junk; and my favorite, was it weird when you caught your parents doing it. Or ask her to do something you know she doesn't want to to. For example: Do you want to go down on me again? She couldn't fall asleep any faster. Turns out we aren't so different after all. Basically, they have the same reaction that we as men have to the exact same things. The only difference is that we generally want to fall asleep after sex no matter what. Women have what I like to call Selective Narcolepsy. The disorder is always there, but under normal circumstances it is masked by an irrational desire to do ridiculous things like cuddle, talk and look at each other after sex. But when pushed into uncomfortable situations, their unnatural girly desires are overridden by Selective Narcolepsy.
So guys, if you want to fall asleep after sex without hearing mind-numbing whining, beat her to the punch. Ask things she doesn't want to talk about before she has a chance to as you. She'll be asleep before you can roll over. And yet we get the bad rap for falling asleep after sex. Women are much worse than we are. We do it because we're physiologically unable to stay awake after sex. It's the chemicals. When they fall asleep it's simply because they don't want to talk about something.
Well fellas, I'm about to blow your mind. In my 11 years of sexual studies, I've found that women also desire to fall asleep after sex—but only under certain circumstances. When you are finished having sex with your girl, ask her questions about something you know she doesn't want to talk about. For example: what was that threesome with your best friend and her boyfriend like; or, was it weird when you say your best friends dad's junk; and my favorite, was it weird when you caught your parents doing it. Or ask her to do something you know she doesn't want to to. For example: Do you want to go down on me again? She couldn't fall asleep any faster. Turns out we aren't so different after all. Basically, they have the same reaction that we as men have to the exact same things. The only difference is that we generally want to fall asleep after sex no matter what. Women have what I like to call Selective Narcolepsy. The disorder is always there, but under normal circumstances it is masked by an irrational desire to do ridiculous things like cuddle, talk and look at each other after sex. But when pushed into uncomfortable situations, their unnatural girly desires are overridden by Selective Narcolepsy.
So guys, if you want to fall asleep after sex without hearing mind-numbing whining, beat her to the punch. Ask things she doesn't want to talk about before she has a chance to as you. She'll be asleep before you can roll over. And yet we get the bad rap for falling asleep after sex. Women are much worse than we are. We do it because we're physiologically unable to stay awake after sex. It's the chemicals. When they fall asleep it's simply because they don't want to talk about something.
January 14, 2009
John McCain to play PC in new Mac commercials
Whether after four years or eight, there are plenty of options for an ex-President to keep themselves busy. Some hit the motivational circuit (Bill Clinton is said to earn $250,000 a speech). Harry S. Truman, among many others, received a $670,000 deal for his two-volume memoirs. But what of ex-Presidential candidates like John McCain? Some continue their political careers after losing an election. Some even survive to run for President again. But for all intents and purposes, the water in John McCain's Presidential well has run dry. There have been many speculations as to what he will do. He could turn to his deal-brokering ways with the added stature of having been his party's most recent presidential nominee, serve the role of the loyal opposition to the Obama presidency or simply play out the string for the next two years and retire in 2010.
I personally think McCain should explore an acting career. He would be great as PC in the Mac vs. PC commercials. I think it's a perfect fit. They both had their moment in the sun, and now they're both outdated.
PC is always trying to come up with some gimmick to fool consumers into buying a PC. Doesn't that remind you of McCain's choice of Palin as Vice President? If that's not a gimmick I don't know what is.
And once PC realizes that you aren't buying his gimmicks, he tries to convince you that he's just as hip, cool and in touch with you as Mac is. From the beginning Obama's mantra has been Change. Once McCain realized that's what people were looking for, and that he was percived as a Bush clone, he adopted the Maverick tag. Translation: "Hey, me too. I'm different." And then there was the time PC taped a camera to his head showing that he had the same features as Mac. And what about the new commercials that feature Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates? They even hired Crispin Borter + Bogusky to do their advertising. I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?
Ultimately, I think John McCain is the personification of PC and would be a perfect fill in if the guy who normally plays him gets sick. I'm John McCain, and I'm a PC.
I personally think McCain should explore an acting career. He would be great as PC in the Mac vs. PC commercials. I think it's a perfect fit. They both had their moment in the sun, and now they're both outdated.
PC is always trying to come up with some gimmick to fool consumers into buying a PC. Doesn't that remind you of McCain's choice of Palin as Vice President? If that's not a gimmick I don't know what is.
And once PC realizes that you aren't buying his gimmicks, he tries to convince you that he's just as hip, cool and in touch with you as Mac is. From the beginning Obama's mantra has been Change. Once McCain realized that's what people were looking for, and that he was percived as a Bush clone, he adopted the Maverick tag. Translation: "Hey, me too. I'm different." And then there was the time PC taped a camera to his head showing that he had the same features as Mac. And what about the new commercials that feature Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates? They even hired Crispin Borter + Bogusky to do their advertising. I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?
Ultimately, I think John McCain is the personification of PC and would be a perfect fill in if the guy who normally plays him gets sick. I'm John McCain, and I'm a PC.
Long time no write
Hey everybody, it's been a while since my last post. Five months to be exact. To the three people that read this (not you Mom, you sort of have to), I apologize. I'm going to try and do a better job of keeping up with this. In actuality, I have a lot of stuff written in the tablet of my mind and in my little sketch book, I just haven't put it on here. That said, you three look out for more posts coming soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
