Say it with a song

Since the beginning of time it has been well documented that women love a man that can sing—even better if he writes the words he croons, or can play an instrument while doing it. I'm sure there were regular cavemen in Pangea who despised their more musically inclined brethren who sang their oogas and boogas with silky smooth voices. And almost certainly there were cavewomen who didn't even have to be bonked on the head to be dragged back to their cave. We regular guys have always hated men who sing. Why? Some say it's just hating, but I say it's envy. Not BECAUSE they can sing, but because they can say whatever they want to a woman as long as they're singing it. The rest of us don't have that luxury. We actually have to think before we speak. We have to think of the consequences of the things we say. It has come to my attention that instead of despising these men, we should take a page from their song book and start writing on it. I am almost certain that you can say just about anything to a woman as long as you sing it. I give you the lyrics to Dave Matthews' song Dreamgirl:

I was feelin' like a creep as I watched you asleep face down in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a hot afternoon. Your top was untied, and I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine.

It has been widely recognized that some Dave Matthews songs are more creepy than sweet, yet because he is singing them, women don't hear it. And I must say, Dave, you were feeling like a creep because you are one. It sounds like he's describing the scene of a rape. And I'm not a girl, but that shit sounds pretty creepy to me. I don't know many girls that would find that sweet. But Dave sings it with a nasaly, throaty twang that would make hippy girls throw their panties on the stage if they were wearing any. Why? Because he's singing the words. You try saying that to your girlfriend and see how long she's your girlfriend. But she'd be stand in line to date next long haired guitar player who sings creepy lyrics just like that.

But it doesn't just apply to long haired, guitar playing singers. It extends itself to R&B artists as well. Take this song by Jaheim lovingly titled Me and My Bitch. (Sorry mom, that's the name of the song).

It's on tonight. Cash up in the dash and I'm feelin' right. Got heat up in the seat just in case of beef for anyone who wanna come test me and my baby. Honey don't be afraid. See this cat ridin' in that Escalade? Plotting on my riches, yeah he will get slayed. Messin 'round with me and my lady, me and my bitch.

No matter how much she wants a bad boy, getting your girlfriend caught up as an accomplice to murder isn't exactly sweet. This brand of thuggery is usually reserved for rap. And If this were a rap song Delores Tucker and Oprah would be all over it. But hoodrats with stab wounds and women with 401ks all swoon together over this thugtastic song. I guess the smooth chocolatey way Jaheim sings makes the b word sound more like sweetie pie or honey drop.

So, you have bad news to tell your girlfriend? Sing that shit. Whether it be, I want to see other people; I'm sleeping with your friend; I'm sleeping with your mother; or, that dress does make you look fat, I urge you to write a song about it. It doesn't matter if you can sing or play an instrument. Hell, play the air drum or air guitar if you have to. Sing it acapella. It doesn't even matter if it rhymes. She will be so excited that you penned a song and sang it to her, she may totally forget what the hell you're saying anyway. You may get halfway down the street before she realizes what you said. It could at least buy you some time to run.