Do I Know You?

I was out with a couple friends from college this weekend and the worst thing happened to me. I ran into somebody from college who I "kind of" knew. You know, the ones you knew OF, but never really want to take the time to actually know or be friends with. I seem to uncover about two per weekend. It's so awkward—especially when they remember you, but you have absolutely no idea who they are. They walk over to say hello, and you're like, "Heeeeey maaaaaaan!" (those get protracted so as to buy more time to figure out who the they are, what their name is and why the hell they're talking to you.) Then you start asking questions, hoping to somehow remember one thing that's going to spark one iota of memory as to who this person is. The only problem is that the questions make it seem like you give a damn, when you could care less if they went to grad school or just got back from a small island in the Pacific where they really found themselves working for the Peace Corps. But your questions keep them talking. All the while you're looking at your warm beer getting warmer, the clock ticking towards last call and the drunk girl you were trying to talk to leaving with some fortunate soul who DIDN'T go to a rich-kid school where everybody moves to New York after graduation.
It's even worse when it's somebody you remember—but only in the sense that you remember you hated them. So you're standing there doing the question thing and it hits you, I despised you in college. And then you're really mad. Not only is your beer getting cold and your drunk girl leaving, but it's because you got caught up in a conversation with some asshole you never liked anyway. Then you like them even less. We weren't friends before, and if my beer sweats any more we'll be even less friends than that tomorrow. Going to the same college doesn't make us friends. I went to a pretty small college, so the fact that we both went there and I never knew you should say something. It was probably on purpose. And it should definitely say something if we both went there and I didn't like you (I don't make a habit of not liking people). Your post-college stories of law school, your ex-girlfriend, who I also don't remember, and how you wished we would've talked more in college are not enriching my life. Yeah, it's been five years since we graduated and I've burried the hatchet, but I still don't want to be friends. I didn't like you then and I probably wouldn't like you now. And whatever it is you hated about me, I probably haven't changed.
And then you get to the awkward ending. How do you end this oh-so-awkward conversation? Unfortunately it usually ends like this: Annoying guy you hated says, "Say man, we should definitely hang out sometime."
And you, disingenuously as possible say, "Yeaaah, man" (this part is more or less friendly depending on how drunk you are). Then there's an awkward exchange of numbers where you pretend to enter his when you're really not, only to have them ask you to call so they he'll have your number. And then you have to act like you have a new phone and haven't gotten a hang of it yet so you need to get the number again. I hate it. I wish they'd just be rude when they walk by me and not say anything. That's what I'd do to them. At least it would reinforce the hatred.