Dear Asshole who parks all over the lines you're supposed to park between, not on, in the parking deck,

You may not be reading this, but maybe the message I have for you could help somebody else with your self-centered problem. I know you're more important than the rest us, and I understand that parking between the lines is beneath you. You're probably far too busy to take the extra seconds it takes to align your car between the lines. Even if you aren't, why should you be held to the same standards as the rest of us? It's obvious that your job title, make, model and year of car makes you exempt from doing what everybody else does. I understand that, as do the rest of us who drive Mazda 626s, Honda Accords and '97 Ford Escort hatchbacks. Being as though you're probably smarter than the rest of us, you also realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I don't know, Einstein or something. So when you don't park between the lines it throws everybody off. Then the next guy can't park between the lines, and the guy next to him can't either. Then we're all screwed up. You don't know this about me, but I'm a pretty built guy (not very limber), and when you park all over the lines I can't get out of my car without having to contort my body like a pretzel. And while the Incredible Hulk filing out of a compact car like a circus clown on steroids may look funny to you, it makes me pretty mad. So can you do us a favor as peasants and park between the lines instead? Because the one thing I hate more than having to laffy-taffy my way out of my car is getting sued—and more than that is the possibility of jail. Because see, the next time you park on the line I may, I don't know, just go into a rage and bang the hell out of your car door—maybe bust out a window. Then I'll move my car so you don't have a clue who did it. I'm not saying, but I'm just saying. It's amazing how things like money make people like you change their tune.
Thank you,
The oversized guy in the undersized car.