That Shit's R. Kelly Good

Yes friends, it's true. R. Kelly has another inappropriate song that's so bad it's good. This one subtly titled Get You Pregnant. As in, "Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant." I couldn't believe my ears. And then I listened to it. As stupid as the lyrics and title may be, it definitely got my head bobbing. How is it that R. Kelly songs are so bad, yet so good at the same time? They lead you to lose all faith in humanity, but also to the dance floor to get down—albeit faithlessly and shaking your head—at the very same time? That's R. Kelly for you. His honestly is amazing. That's one of the reasons I really believe it wasn't him in that video peeing on that girl. He would've written a song about it already. It would've been titled, "Yeah, I Peed on That Underage Girl". But he hasn't. And since all of his songs seem to be stream of consciousness, it's pretty obvious he didn't do it. This man probably writes songs just walking down the street. He sees a booty he likes, he writes a song called, "Damn, I Love Yo Booty". He sees a girl with panty lines, he writes another called, "Should've Worn Yo Thong". He sees a girl who looks like a jeep, he writes a song called—wait, he already did that. I think that song was the start of his stream of consciousness R&B. And I almost have to give him credit (almost). I mean, his mind is working on overtime with every single girl that walks passed. How can he ever NOT be writing a song? Every girl that he passes is a potential gold or platinum recording. I only wish I could keep that many award-winning songs straight in my head. In a nod to his obvious song-writing genius, MTV is adding a new category to their awards list: The R. Kelly Lifetime Achievement Award for Songfoolery. The winner of this category will be a songwriter who writes a song that makes people bob their heads, with a look of confused, what the hell was he thinking bewilderment on their face. A look that usually illicits the response, "Mmm, that shit's R. Kelly good."

If you leave me I'll cut all my toes off

You know what else I'm tired of in music. I'm sure you're not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I'm tired of ridiculous analogies--especially in love songs. If you leave me my head will blow up. If you leave me I'll lose my sight. You know what I'm talking about. The worst are the analogies about being able to breathe. I'm sure Toni Braxton didn't start these analogies (they've been floating around forever), but she has the first one that I really remember.

If I never feel you in my arms again
If I never feel your tender kiss again
If I never hear I love you now and then
Will I never make love to you once again
Please understand if love ends
Then I promise you, I promise you
That, that I shall never breathe again

Is she serious? If so, he must give one hell of a hug. If you're that guy, what do you say to that? You can't really break up with a girl who's going to die if you leave her. What a guilt trip. Who wants to have that on their shoulders? That's a lot of pressure. She even promised, so she must be telling the truth. We all know how women feel about breaking promises.

And what about this one by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown called No Air?

But How,
Do you expect me,
To live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you,
It's so hard for me to breathe.

(Chorus)
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air.
Can't live, can't breathe with no air.
That's how I feel when I know you ain't there.
There's No Air No Air.
Got me out here in the water so deep.
Tell me how you gon' be without me.
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe.
It's No Air No Air.

I'll tell you how you're supposed to breathe with no air--gills. And unless you're some kind of fish-man, I'm going to guess you don't have a pair. I've been in love before. I've even been broken up with before. I don't know what it feels like to suffocate, but I'll tell you this, that's not how I felt. You know what I felt like? I felt like I did before I met her, but just a little bit more sad. I never once felt like I was going to die. They're equating each other with air, but can you leave something that's always around?

Then there's this one by J. Holliday called Suffocate.

Chorus
Cause I can't breathe when you talk to me,
can't breathe when your touching me.
Suffocate when you're away from me.
So much love you take from me
I'm going out of my mind

He doesn't sound like a guy that should be in love. He sounds like a guy who should be scared. He can't breathe when she talks to him. He can't breathe when she's touching him. She doesn't sound like a good girlfriend. She sounds like the grim reaper. I'd be going out of my mind if death was sleeping in my bed too.


It even crosses music genres. Take, How Do I Breathe? Two songs with different lyrics and different artists--one country and one R&B. One by a teenage caucasian girl, and the other by a teenage african-american guy. Apparently suffocating has no race or gender biases.

I know that these are just analogies and aren't to be taken literally. I'm just saying that the whole breathing analogy is getting a little trite. I think I'm going to come out with an album with less used, but honest lyrics. The album will include tracks with titles like, "When you left, it sucked but I'll live", "We broke up, but my new girlfriend is hotter" and "Finally I'm rid of you".