Guys, for those of you that thought girls' undergarments and cosmetics couldn't get more ridiculous, here's something for you. Yes, panties that make girls that are flat in the back look like they have a booty. Aside from not knowing that the words booty and pop went together—sounds noisy—do girls really need to be more fake? There's already padded bras. This is just a push-up bra for your booty. Girls have fake eyelashes, fake eyes, fake boobs, fake tans, fake everything, now everybody can have a badonkadonk. As a girl, isn't that first time embarrassing enough to begin with without you having to take off a pair of panties that have a huge ass in the back? It sounds like a deterrent to me. I know If I got a girl home, we got to that point and I found I she was wearing these, I may not even make it to the bed. I may just throw her right out. For a butt man this is appalling. The booty is the final frontier. One of the few things on a woman that couldn't be fake. Girls already take their eye lashes, hair, lips, cheecks and everything else off at night. Now they're taking off their booty too? Terrible. What would Sir Mix-A-Lot say? You can do side-bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt takes on an entirely different meaning.
And it's yet another reason why girls are smarter than boys. This is nothing but a ploy to make men really care about personality. I mean, if you know you're going to wake up in the morning with a girl who looks entirely different than the one you left with last night, you better give a damn about the only part of her that doesn't pop off like vacuum cleaner attachments. And when your friends see her, you better have an excuse for showing up with a girl who looks like Dan Patrick when you said she looked like Danica Patrick. "She was hot last night," isn't going to cut it anymore. You should've known it was fake. With all these press-on, glue-on, stick-on, and slide-on parts, ANY girl can look good. What's the world coming to when you can't even look at a booty to decide whether or not you're going to talk to a girl? Now we're going to have to start listening when you talk (Joking).
December 10, 2009
Do I Know You?
I was out with a couple friends from college this weekend and the worst thing happened to me. I ran into somebody from college who I "kind of" knew. You know, the ones you knew OF, but never really want to take the time to actually know or be friends with. I seem to uncover about two per weekend. It's so awkward—especially when they remember you, but you have absolutely no idea who they are. They walk over to say hello, and you're like, "Heeeeey maaaaaaan!" (those get protracted so as to buy more time to figure out who the they are, what their name is and why the hell they're talking to you.) Then you start asking questions, hoping to somehow remember one thing that's going to spark one iota of memory as to who this person is. The only problem is that the questions make it seem like you give a damn, when you could care less if they went to grad school or just got back from a small island in the Pacific where they really found themselves working for the Peace Corps. But your questions keep them talking. All the while you're looking at your warm beer getting warmer, the clock ticking towards last call and the drunk girl you were trying to talk to leaving with some fortunate soul who DIDN'T go to a rich-kid school where everybody moves to New York after graduation.
It's even worse when it's somebody you remember—but only in the sense that you remember you hated them. So you're standing there doing the question thing and it hits you, I despised you in college. And then you're really mad. Not only is your beer getting cold and your drunk girl leaving, but it's because you got caught up in a conversation with some asshole you never liked anyway. Then you like them even less. We weren't friends before, and if my beer sweats any more we'll be even less friends than that tomorrow. Going to the same college doesn't make us friends. I went to a pretty small college, so the fact that we both went there and I never knew you should say something. It was probably on purpose. And it should definitely say something if we both went there and I didn't like you (I don't make a habit of not liking people). Your post-college stories of law school, your ex-girlfriend, who I also don't remember, and how you wished we would've talked more in college are not enriching my life. Yeah, it's been five years since we graduated and I've burried the hatchet, but I still don't want to be friends. I didn't like you then and I probably wouldn't like you now. And whatever it is you hated about me, I probably haven't changed.
And then you get to the awkward ending. How do you end this oh-so-awkward conversation? Unfortunately it usually ends like this: Annoying guy you hated says, "Say man, we should definitely hang out sometime."
And you, disingenuously as possible say, "Yeaaah, man" (this part is more or less friendly depending on how drunk you are). Then there's an awkward exchange of numbers where you pretend to enter his when you're really not, only to have them ask you to call so they he'll have your number. And then you have to act like you have a new phone and haven't gotten a hang of it yet so you need to get the number again. I hate it. I wish they'd just be rude when they walk by me and not say anything. That's what I'd do to them. At least it would reinforce the hatred.
It's even worse when it's somebody you remember—but only in the sense that you remember you hated them. So you're standing there doing the question thing and it hits you, I despised you in college. And then you're really mad. Not only is your beer getting cold and your drunk girl leaving, but it's because you got caught up in a conversation with some asshole you never liked anyway. Then you like them even less. We weren't friends before, and if my beer sweats any more we'll be even less friends than that tomorrow. Going to the same college doesn't make us friends. I went to a pretty small college, so the fact that we both went there and I never knew you should say something. It was probably on purpose. And it should definitely say something if we both went there and I didn't like you (I don't make a habit of not liking people). Your post-college stories of law school, your ex-girlfriend, who I also don't remember, and how you wished we would've talked more in college are not enriching my life. Yeah, it's been five years since we graduated and I've burried the hatchet, but I still don't want to be friends. I didn't like you then and I probably wouldn't like you now. And whatever it is you hated about me, I probably haven't changed.
And then you get to the awkward ending. How do you end this oh-so-awkward conversation? Unfortunately it usually ends like this: Annoying guy you hated says, "Say man, we should definitely hang out sometime."
And you, disingenuously as possible say, "Yeaaah, man" (this part is more or less friendly depending on how drunk you are). Then there's an awkward exchange of numbers where you pretend to enter his when you're really not, only to have them ask you to call so they he'll have your number. And then you have to act like you have a new phone and haven't gotten a hang of it yet so you need to get the number again. I hate it. I wish they'd just be rude when they walk by me and not say anything. That's what I'd do to them. At least it would reinforce the hatred.
That Shit's R. Kelly Good
Yes friends, it's true. R. Kelly has another inappropriate song that's so bad it's good. This one subtly titled Get You Pregnant. As in, "Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant." I couldn't believe my ears. And then I listened to it. As stupid as the lyrics and title may be, it definitely got my head bobbing. How is it that R. Kelly songs are so bad, yet so good at the same time? They lead you to lose all faith in humanity, but also to the dance floor to get down—albeit faithlessly and shaking your head—at the very same time? That's R. Kelly for you. His honestly is amazing. That's one of the reasons I really believe it wasn't him in that video peeing on that girl. He would've written a song about it already. It would've been titled, "Yeah, I Peed on That Underage Girl". But he hasn't. And since all of his songs seem to be stream of consciousness, it's pretty obvious he didn't do it. This man probably writes songs just walking down the street. He sees a booty he likes, he writes a song called, "Damn, I Love Yo Booty". He sees a girl with panty lines, he writes another called, "Should've Worn Yo Thong". He sees a girl who looks like a jeep, he writes a song called—wait, he already did that. I think that song was the start of his stream of consciousness R&B. And I almost have to give him credit (almost). I mean, his mind is working on overtime with every single girl that walks passed. How can he ever NOT be writing a song? Every girl that he passes is a potential gold or platinum recording. I only wish I could keep that many award-winning songs straight in my head. In a nod to his obvious song-writing genius, MTV is adding a new category to their awards list: The R. Kelly Lifetime Achievement Award for Songfoolery. The winner of this category will be a songwriter who writes a song that makes people bob their heads, with a look of confused, what the hell was he thinking bewilderment on their face. A look that usually illicits the response, "Mmm, that shit's R. Kelly good."
December 02, 2009
Par for the Course II
In honor of Tiger Woods cheating, I'm going to post some of the best jokes I've seen about the scandal.
What did you expect, the guy is paid to but the ball in the hole.
Tiger cheated with two women. Is that a double bogey or a hole in two?
Guess he couldn't keep his clubs in the bag.
Tiger got a hole in two. If his wife is keeping score, that's a double bogey.
He should have kept it in the short grass.
I wonder if he was playing the back 9?
I actually like Tiger Woods more now. I hope when Stuart Scott comes to interview him for ESPN during his record setting Master's win, he just flips him off and tells ESPN to go f*$$ themselves as he's walking away with four strippers.
Maybe she cleans his balls better than his wife does. I mean you have to have clean balls to win majors.
Tiger had more girls than he had golf clubs.
I wonder if the women wore tiger print panties?
Now we know how he got the name Tiger.
I wonder how many holes Tiger has played over the years. Sounds like quite a few.
Lock your wives up when the PGA Tour comes to your town; Tiger is swinging the driver.
Tiger, when apologizing to your wife DO NOT use the words SCREWED in any of your sentences. No screwed up, it was screwy, or I had a screw loose.
and the biggest joke of all is his phone call to one of the chicks to get her to change her number. He sounds like a man defeated. Pimp down! Pimp down!
What did you expect, the guy is paid to but the ball in the hole.
Tiger cheated with two women. Is that a double bogey or a hole in two?
Guess he couldn't keep his clubs in the bag.
Tiger got a hole in two. If his wife is keeping score, that's a double bogey.
He should have kept it in the short grass.
I wonder if he was playing the back 9?
I actually like Tiger Woods more now. I hope when Stuart Scott comes to interview him for ESPN during his record setting Master's win, he just flips him off and tells ESPN to go f*$$ themselves as he's walking away with four strippers.
Maybe she cleans his balls better than his wife does. I mean you have to have clean balls to win majors.
Tiger had more girls than he had golf clubs.
I wonder if the women wore tiger print panties?
Now we know how he got the name Tiger.
I wonder how many holes Tiger has played over the years. Sounds like quite a few.
Lock your wives up when the PGA Tour comes to your town; Tiger is swinging the driver.
Tiger, when apologizing to your wife DO NOT use the words SCREWED in any of your sentences. No screwed up, it was screwy, or I had a screw loose.
and the biggest joke of all is his phone call to one of the chicks to get her to change her number. He sounds like a man defeated. Pimp down! Pimp down!
Par for the Course
As you probably already know, Tiger Woods just got jammed up for cheating on his wife after wrapping his car around a fire hydrant and then a tree. There's speculation all around as to how/if the cheating and the accident are related.
I'm not buying the first part of the video—that she came to his rescue crap. Why in the world would she knock out the back window to save him if he's in the front? And how would a 110 pound woman, soaking wet holding two golf bags, pull a 200 pound man from a car? Not buying it.
The more believable story is the second part. I'll sum that up for those of you who don't follow Mandarin: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating, slapped him around a little bit, and when he got in the car to leave she chased him down the street with a golf club. At that point Tiger turned around like, what is this B!t©h doin, and he ran into the hydrant and then the tree. The only thing fishy about that is the chasing him down the street with a golf club thing. Everybody knows white girls don't run down the street chasing men with the closest thing available (pots, pans, lamps, toy racecar tracks and golf clubs). That's reserved for the sistah's. White girls key cars, slash tires and cut off wangs.
Another story, straight from the mind of C.J., is that the whole thing was a setup. It follows the same line above: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating and slapped him around a bit. Realizing he couldn't go to the next tournament looking like he got in a fight with Thing from the Addams Family, he smashed the car up to explain the scratches on his face.
And now everybody's in an uproar. I say, who cares? So the guy cheated. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying who's surprised? Yes, he's Tiger Woods and supposedly a good guy and all. But above all that is that he's a man. He has the same urges and tendencies as any other man, he just has more money and celebrity to make it all happen. I'm never surprised when I hear these stories. And to the he's supposed to be a role model crowd, raise your own kids. That guy has enough to worry about without babysitting your kids from inside the television. Parents need to start teaching their kids that, while these athletes have been blessed with what seems like super-human talent, they are still human, and just as fallible as anybody else. So it's ok to watch them and be in awe of their ability, but it by no means that the things that they do off the playing surface, or sometimes on it, are acceptable. That will put all this role model stuff to bed.
I'm not buying the first part of the video—that she came to his rescue crap. Why in the world would she knock out the back window to save him if he's in the front? And how would a 110 pound woman, soaking wet holding two golf bags, pull a 200 pound man from a car? Not buying it.
The more believable story is the second part. I'll sum that up for those of you who don't follow Mandarin: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating, slapped him around a little bit, and when he got in the car to leave she chased him down the street with a golf club. At that point Tiger turned around like, what is this B!t©h doin, and he ran into the hydrant and then the tree. The only thing fishy about that is the chasing him down the street with a golf club thing. Everybody knows white girls don't run down the street chasing men with the closest thing available (pots, pans, lamps, toy racecar tracks and golf clubs). That's reserved for the sistah's. White girls key cars, slash tires and cut off wangs.
Another story, straight from the mind of C.J., is that the whole thing was a setup. It follows the same line above: Ole girl found out Tiger was cheating and slapped him around a bit. Realizing he couldn't go to the next tournament looking like he got in a fight with Thing from the Addams Family, he smashed the car up to explain the scratches on his face.
And now everybody's in an uproar. I say, who cares? So the guy cheated. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying who's surprised? Yes, he's Tiger Woods and supposedly a good guy and all. But above all that is that he's a man. He has the same urges and tendencies as any other man, he just has more money and celebrity to make it all happen. I'm never surprised when I hear these stories. And to the he's supposed to be a role model crowd, raise your own kids. That guy has enough to worry about without babysitting your kids from inside the television. Parents need to start teaching their kids that, while these athletes have been blessed with what seems like super-human talent, they are still human, and just as fallible as anybody else. So it's ok to watch them and be in awe of their ability, but it by no means that the things that they do off the playing surface, or sometimes on it, are acceptable. That will put all this role model stuff to bed.
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