wrapping it up is good. saving the wrapper is bad.

I was at Starbucks the other day buying a muffin and I couldn't find any change in my pocket. So I did that thing where you empty out the contents of your pockets onto the counter in search of the correct change. I pulled out lint, quarters, pennies, dimes and a peanut I think. In my rush to get everything out of my pocket to find some change, I accidentally procured a used condom wrapper. It was funny. Everything was slow motion like a duel on a western movie--like right when the clock strikes 12 and they draw their guns. I noticed it before she did. I looked at her to see if she saw what happened. I reached my hand onto the counter to try and execute the broom (where you use your hand to sweep everything off), but I was too late. My cat-like movements attracted her eye. She looked down at the wrapper and then disgustingly into my eyes. I felt like a little boy when you get in trouble and your mom gives you that boy-you-know-better-look. You know the one where she holds her head to the side, puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head slowly. At that moment the Starbucks girl's demeanor completely changed from smiling, attentive and helpful to completely disgusted. She squinted as she looked from the counter to me and made that noise that sounds like a balloon when you let all the air out. Pssssss. I gave her an ooops-my-bad smile and shrugged my shoulders. Instead of handing me my muffin she slid the plate along the counter like I had the plague or something and she didn't want to get too close to me. The condom wrapper is still on the counter, mind you. I slid the plate, along with the contents of my pocket, into my hands and walked over to the table. It was pretty embarrassing. Why I kept the old condom wrapper I don't know. I don't have an old condom wrapper collection or anything. It wasn't a lucky condom wrapper or a memento from an unforgettable moment. I don't know why I didn't throw it away like I did the rest of it. It provided for a funny story, though.

high five or wave?

Have you ever been stuck in the awkward situation trying to figure out if somebody is going in for a high five or waving? What do you do? If they're trying to give you five and you 'em him hanging, they feel awkward. If you go in for the five and they're only waving, you feel like a fool. It's a tough situation. I like to do is go ahead with the five. I'm pretty comfortable feeling like a fool, and I feel like fives are used more sparingly than they should be.
The most awkward greeting situation is the hand shake or hug decision. They're holding the hand out and you don't know whether to shake or hug. That one is a little harder. It requires that you do some evaluation. If you knew them well enough to go for the hug, I say go for it. If not it could get weird. You don't want to get stuck in the middle. Then you get the weird hug/handshake hybrid where you're holding half a wrist and have a mouthful of shoulder.

giving your mouth a workout

I was working out the other day and there was a guy lounging on on of the machines talking on the phone. He sat there on the phone for about fifteen minutes. I don't know what he was talking about, but it sounded like a conversation he should've been having at home. Anyway, I stopped to look around, and there were about three or four other people on the phone in the couple hours I was there. My question is: do you want to work out, or do you want to talk on the phone? You can't do both. Why do you even need to bring your phone into the gym? If you're so important you can't be away from your phone for an hour, you don't need to work out because you're Superman and should be out saving the world. It's like they went to the gym just to say they went--so they had a conversation starter.
"So what'd you do today?"
"Well, I went to the gym...,?"
Yeah, you went, but you didn't lift anything but your phone to your ear. The only thing you worked out was your lips. I wish getting in shape was as easy as saying you "went" to the gym.

you can't skate by on good looks alone

So I'm out at a bar talking to a girl. The conversation is going well and she's pretty good looking. She seemed to be into me (weird since she seemed halfway intelligent). Unfortunately, her real intelligence started to show the further into the conversation we got. Let me start this off by saying, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box myself. Anybody that knows me knows that, and knows that I don't claim to be a rocket scientist. I do, however, feel like I can hold a conversation without sounding stupid. It takes at least a couple conversations before you realize my true intellect. Anyway, that's another story. So I'm talking to this girl and I ask her what she does. She told me she's involved with a program called ____________________________ (don't want to blow anybodies spot up). The goal of the program is to take children with one or both parents in prison and teach them the skills they need to live through sports--specifically tennis. While explaining what her job was within this program, she used the word 'incarcenated' two or three times. After the first time, I realized that she meant to say incarcerated. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt (we were drinking), but she said it about five times. I didn't want to correct her because I didn't want to draw attention to it. The whole thing was weird, though, because all the sudden, she wasn't attractive anymore. If it was five years ago, I don't even think I would've cared. I would've given her a nickname like 'Ditzy Danielle' to distinguish her from another girl (and so my friends know which girl I'm hanging out with) and kept it moving. This time, I gave her the gotta-find-my-friends speech, and walked away. It's too bad, too, because she was hot. I guess it just goes to show you that you can't always get by on your good looks. It also begs the question, how many times has she said the word wrong? I'm sure she uses it alot at work or in conversation about her job. Does she really think that's the correct way to say incarcerated? Has anybody ever corrected her? Was she just that drunk? I'll never know because I didn't ask her for her number (not that she would've given it to me). I guess the next guy can figure it out.

creative ways to say I Love You

I was listening to a Chris Brown song today called With You. In the song he touts the way he feels when he's with his girl. In one line he states that his girl is, "like Jordan's on a Saturday" referencing that the shoes are released on Saturdays. That's hilarious. Even if a girl knew that tiny tidbit, somehow I doubt she would take it as a compliment. First of all, what does that even mean? I never got excited about the release of Jordan's because I couldn't afford them. In that case, he has come to the realization that his girlfriend is sad and cheap--not to mention that she probably doesn't look good . She's the off brand shoe you get at the grocery store. I also never believed shoes helped my performance in a sport. So his girlfriend is high maintenance and expensive, yet brings nothing to the table. Not necessarily a compliment. Sometimes there are three or four Jordan's released in a months period of time. They're usually just different color combinations of the original release. So is his girlfriend just a phase until the next better looking girl comes--just another in a long line of shoes he wears until he's tired of them? The thing is, I know what he meant, and I'm sure she would understand his sentiment and appreciate his creativity. Sometimes you should just stick to the basics though. I really like fruit in my cereal in the morning, but I'm not going to tell a girl she's like bananas in my Cheerios. It just doesn't have the same feel. What if she doesn't like bananas. I don't like catsup on my french fries, so if I tell a girl that it's not a compliment. I do, however, love to dip my PBJ in chocolate syrup. Should I tell my next girlfriend she's like Hershey's on a PBJ? I don't know. I think, for the time being, I'll just keep it simple

read before invading a girl's booty comfort zone

I was talking to some girls the other day and they conveyed the same message I had heard from thousands of other girls. Girls don't like it when you come from behind and start dancing unannounced. Apparently it's rude. Get over yourself. First of all, if a guy comes and dances with you, it's a compliment. He either thinks you're attractive, or he appreciates the way you dance. He's not asking your hand in marriage or even on a date. He just wants to dance. What's the harm in that? In a way it's even better than him buying you a drink. If a guy buys you a drink he probably wants to talk to you. Unless your mouth is somehow in the back of your head, a guy dancing with you from behind is a great indication that he has no intentions of talking to you. If, for some odd reason, he does try to talk, just don't turn around. Act like you don't hear him. Stop acting like you're so hot that every guy who tries to dance with you wants to go out with you.
On the other hand, what are the options? The only thing I can think of is going to the girl and asking if you can dance with her. What is this, a cocktail party in the '40s? "Hi, my name is Ben. Can I have this dance?, or how about, "Hi, I'm Chris. I was wondering if I could grind up on your ass?" You come off awkward, corny or both. It sounds like a no win situation. Girls, ask yourself this question, if a guy came and asked you to dance, would you turn around and laugh at him? If your answer is no then you're a liar on top of being shallow.
I say, get over yourself. The real reason you don't want guys coming behind you and dancing is because you want to know what the guy looks like. He's not asking you to get married, so why does it matter what he looks like? So you can turn away the ugly ones. You want your friends to accept. Because, if by chance, the dance turns into something more, you already know they approve. You need the guy to be good looking to affirm your own looks. If a good looking guy came behind you to dance and your friends gave you "the nod" you wouldn't mind.
I have a solution. Take a picture of yourself before you go out and save it on your phone. Before you start dancing behind a girl, reach around and show her your picture. Write underneath, do you approve? Yeah, it's corny too, and a little creepy, but at least you had fun with it. The girl who appreciates that and gets a laugh out of it is probably pretty cool. If she doesn't, she's probably not fun, anyway. For those girls you need to reach around and show them a picture of your paycheck.

breaking up isn't hard to do

I hate it when people say that they tried to break up with their boy/girlfriend and they wouldn't let them. What does that mean? You either do it or you don't. It's simple. Cut and dry. The second you tell somebody you don't want to be with them, you're instantly not with them--even if they cry, beg and plead or say no. I'm sure that most people don't accept being broken up with, but I didn't know somebody had to accept something for it to be so. Most people don't accept getting tickets, getting fired or their wife's/husband's mother, but they're stuck like chuck.