Gold Medal logic

As I'm sure many of you have, I've been watching the Olympics. To be honest, I'm not that big a fan. Call me un-American or whatever you want, but I'd rather watch the Eagles vs. the Cowboys or the Dodgers vs. the Diamondbacks than watch Uruguay vs. Pakistan in team handball. I've been watching track and field, gymnastics (men and women so no I'm not a perv), basketball, and obviously swimming because of what Michael Phelps is doing. You'd think there were no other events and no other athletes with the way NBC is covering it.
The whole Phelps thing has made me realize one thing: goofy looking + famous = hot. Why do I say that? There are girls everywhere swooning over Michael Phelps. I've seen numerous away messages touting how "bagable" Phelps is. Seriously? Is it his very large forehead that somehow casts a shadow over his beak-like nose? Could it be his ears reminiscent of the movie Dumbo? Or maybe it's his inbred jaw line. He also talks like he has a retainer in his mouth. Everytime he talks you can see the saliva marinating in his mouth. A mouth that always appears to be open. I guess because he's trying to dry it up in there. I'm not gay, but I can admit when a guy is good looking. Michael Phelps is not. What he's doing athletically is wonderful, but does that make him good looking? Absolutely not. He looks like the guy who used to get his ass kicked in middle school for his lunch money. Maybe I'm jealous. I don't know, but one thing I do know is this: Phelps' best breaststroke is done underwater, and mine is done under the sheets. That means C.J. 1, Michael Phelps 8 gold medals. I'm finished now.

irony is everywhere

Everybody knows the charges R. Kelly was facing and eventually acquitted. The jury may rethink their verdict after hearing this song. It's the remix to a song called "Customer". In the song the artist eloquently and creatively likens his sexual abilities to a fast-food restaurant. Don't know why you want your sex to be like, or as quick as McDonald's, but maybe that's just me. The chorus starts like this:

Let me serve you up
Lemme lemme serve you up
See you can have it your way
You're the costumer
If you want me supersized with some loving on the side
Just ask for what you want cause your the costumer

This very tasteful verse is the part that conjures up images of R. Kelly in his infamous tape:

Girl you'll be contagious and calling me Ronald.
Serve you up drive-thru style like McDonalds.
Yaaaa, you'll be screaming yaaaa,
The service so good it, it feels like you wanna cryyyy...
Thirsty? I got some good, good lemonade, 12-play, 4th Quarters, gonna make you wanna scrape your plate.

I don't think he's talking about Country Time when he says he has good lemonade. Once again, maybe that's just me.

girls never say NO.

Guys, have you ever noticed that girls never say no? Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about that. I've been turned down more times that I care to admit. I'm talking about other things, like going out to dinner, watching a movie, or something like that. They never say no. Well they do in their own little way. I was at a friends house the other day and she told me to pick out a movie to watch with her and her friend. I went over to the shelf and grabbed a couple out and showed them to her. She looked at them and as she sat back in her chair to think about it. Then she looked at me and said, "Maybe you should pick a couple more." That was her nice way of saying no. She didn't say the movies I pick out sucked. She didn't say she didn't like the movies I picked. She didn't even say I picked bad movies. She just asked me to pick more. What's even funnier is that it sounded nice. She didn't tell me to pick more, she just suggested that maybe I should. That's funny to me because all girls do it. They don't want to be mean. It's like they want you to keep naming things until you come across something they like or want. Then they'll say yes and you'll feel like it was your idea, even though it was obviously theirs. I guess skipping this process and saying what you want would be too easy.

wrapping it up is good. saving the wrapper is bad.

I was at Starbucks the other day buying a muffin and I couldn't find any change in my pocket. So I did that thing where you empty out the contents of your pockets onto the counter in search of the correct change. I pulled out lint, quarters, pennies, dimes and a peanut I think. In my rush to get everything out of my pocket to find some change, I accidentally procured a used condom wrapper. It was funny. Everything was slow motion like a duel on a western movie--like right when the clock strikes 12 and they draw their guns. I noticed it before she did. I looked at her to see if she saw what happened. I reached my hand onto the counter to try and execute the broom (where you use your hand to sweep everything off), but I was too late. My cat-like movements attracted her eye. She looked down at the wrapper and then disgustingly into my eyes. I felt like a little boy when you get in trouble and your mom gives you that boy-you-know-better-look. You know the one where she holds her head to the side, puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head slowly. At that moment the Starbucks girl's demeanor completely changed from smiling, attentive and helpful to completely disgusted. She squinted as she looked from the counter to me and made that noise that sounds like a balloon when you let all the air out. Pssssss. I gave her an ooops-my-bad smile and shrugged my shoulders. Instead of handing me my muffin she slid the plate along the counter like I had the plague or something and she didn't want to get too close to me. The condom wrapper is still on the counter, mind you. I slid the plate, along with the contents of my pocket, into my hands and walked over to the table. It was pretty embarrassing. Why I kept the old condom wrapper I don't know. I don't have an old condom wrapper collection or anything. It wasn't a lucky condom wrapper or a memento from an unforgettable moment. I don't know why I didn't throw it away like I did the rest of it. It provided for a funny story, though.

high five or wave?

Have you ever been stuck in the awkward situation trying to figure out if somebody is going in for a high five or waving? What do you do? If they're trying to give you five and you 'em him hanging, they feel awkward. If you go in for the five and they're only waving, you feel like a fool. It's a tough situation. I like to do is go ahead with the five. I'm pretty comfortable feeling like a fool, and I feel like fives are used more sparingly than they should be.
The most awkward greeting situation is the hand shake or hug decision. They're holding the hand out and you don't know whether to shake or hug. That one is a little harder. It requires that you do some evaluation. If you knew them well enough to go for the hug, I say go for it. If not it could get weird. You don't want to get stuck in the middle. Then you get the weird hug/handshake hybrid where you're holding half a wrist and have a mouthful of shoulder.

giving your mouth a workout

I was working out the other day and there was a guy lounging on on of the machines talking on the phone. He sat there on the phone for about fifteen minutes. I don't know what he was talking about, but it sounded like a conversation he should've been having at home. Anyway, I stopped to look around, and there were about three or four other people on the phone in the couple hours I was there. My question is: do you want to work out, or do you want to talk on the phone? You can't do both. Why do you even need to bring your phone into the gym? If you're so important you can't be away from your phone for an hour, you don't need to work out because you're Superman and should be out saving the world. It's like they went to the gym just to say they went--so they had a conversation starter.
"So what'd you do today?"
"Well, I went to the gym...,?"
Yeah, you went, but you didn't lift anything but your phone to your ear. The only thing you worked out was your lips. I wish getting in shape was as easy as saying you "went" to the gym.

you can't skate by on good looks alone

So I'm out at a bar talking to a girl. The conversation is going well and she's pretty good looking. She seemed to be into me (weird since she seemed halfway intelligent). Unfortunately, her real intelligence started to show the further into the conversation we got. Let me start this off by saying, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box myself. Anybody that knows me knows that, and knows that I don't claim to be a rocket scientist. I do, however, feel like I can hold a conversation without sounding stupid. It takes at least a couple conversations before you realize my true intellect. Anyway, that's another story. So I'm talking to this girl and I ask her what she does. She told me she's involved with a program called ____________________________ (don't want to blow anybodies spot up). The goal of the program is to take children with one or both parents in prison and teach them the skills they need to live through sports--specifically tennis. While explaining what her job was within this program, she used the word 'incarcenated' two or three times. After the first time, I realized that she meant to say incarcerated. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt (we were drinking), but she said it about five times. I didn't want to correct her because I didn't want to draw attention to it. The whole thing was weird, though, because all the sudden, she wasn't attractive anymore. If it was five years ago, I don't even think I would've cared. I would've given her a nickname like 'Ditzy Danielle' to distinguish her from another girl (and so my friends know which girl I'm hanging out with) and kept it moving. This time, I gave her the gotta-find-my-friends speech, and walked away. It's too bad, too, because she was hot. I guess it just goes to show you that you can't always get by on your good looks. It also begs the question, how many times has she said the word wrong? I'm sure she uses it alot at work or in conversation about her job. Does she really think that's the correct way to say incarcerated? Has anybody ever corrected her? Was she just that drunk? I'll never know because I didn't ask her for her number (not that she would've given it to me). I guess the next guy can figure it out.