denver the last dinosaur

I was talking to a friend today about how weird and corny some cartoons were when back in the day, and Denver the last Dinosaur came up. Denver took place in what we were supposed to believe was reality (modern day California or somewhere). Smurfs was weird, but it took place in Smurf village. The Snorks (I know you remember that) took place somewhere in the ocean or something like that. The reason Denver was so funny is because it was supposedly the real world. Are we supposed to believe that just because you put a Hawaiian shirt on a Brontosaurus it no longer looks like a Brontosaurus? That's funny to me.

"the sauce"

old peole are funny. I was talking to somebody today about words old people use. It's funny when old people try to use the new slang kids use today, but I think it's even funnier when they use their old slang. I was talking to a friend of mine (shoutout to Jenny Clark) today and her dad still says "the sauce" when referring to alcohol. "You been messin' with the sauce hadn'tya?" What in the hell is "the sauce"? It's not like the term silly sauce (referring to alcohol), which is definately self explanatory. I mean, is it hot sauce, worchesteshire sauce or bbq sauce? I'm guessing "the sauce" is just a shortening of "silly sauce". Wherever the term came from, I think somebody was on "the sauce" when they came up with the term "the sauce".
Another funny term old people use is "dope". I'm not talking about dope as in fly. I'm talking about "dope". Like marijana, weed, pot, cheeba, skunk, green, sticky-icky-icky, hydro, the oooooweeee, killa, hash, "the stuff", green-green, purple, the magic dragon, good-good, wacky tabacky, Presidential, green sticky, purp, that fire, sprinkle, Barney, herb, sticks, stems, Bill Clinton. But with old people it also refers to other drugs, such as cocaine, heroine and pretty much any other illegal substance you can think of. If anybody older than 40 or 45 asks if you've been "messin' with dope" you must first clarify what it is they're talking about. You don't want to get in trouble for drugs you're not actually doing. That makes it even funnier when they say "the dope". As if it only refers to one particular drug. They don't know that we know they're talking about a number of things when they say "the dope". I think that all the old people should put their heads together and decide what exactly it is they think "the dope" is.

game of the future

It's official. MySpace and Facebook will be the death of game. No longer do guys have to ask girls for their phone numbers. They just ask for their URL's. You think I'm kidding? Here is a paraphrase of a conversation I heard the other day. "Hi. I think you're cute. Can I get your URL?" What the hell. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The worst part about the whole thing is that she said yes. She actually said yes. That was pretty much the end of the conversation. I would've liked to have read the message he sent to her. Not only do guys use it in lue of game, but when they are too scared to actually talk to a girl (I guess if you would ask a girl her URL you aren't much to talk to anyway-so it makes sense). If they find out her name, they just look it up on MySpace. They don't even have to bother worrying about whether or not she will give them her number or not-even though after you find her on MySpace and randomly message her, your chances of EVER getting her number greatly decrease. That's called stalking-and most girls don't appreciate that. Some guys seem to think it's being cool or something. I don't know, but it seems like it's the game (or lack there of) of the future.

short addendum (and by short I mean long) to restaurant biz

I failed to mention in my post before that my most hated pet peave is when people ask where there food is. I completely understand your concern and that you're hungry, but I promise your food is being cooked and is on the way. Most of the time when people ask, the food is about five minutes from coming out. I promise that I will bring it when it gets ready, and if something goes wrong in the process I will let you know. That way I don't have to hear you ask me dumb questions like, "where is our food?" One day I'm just going to say, "I don't know", or "Oh, it's ready. I was just waiting for you to come and get it." Also, this is not the time to crack corny jokes like, "did you have to kill the cow too", or "the food is slower than Christmas." I have heard them all before. You aren't the first person to tell those jokes, nor are you clever. Bottom line, I don't cook the food I serve it. I will bring it out as soon as it gets ready. Do you think I get some sort of kick out of your food being ready, yet not bringing it to you? I don't. I make money by making you happy and bringing your food promptly. If you didn't want to wait for a minute you should've gone to McDonalds where they serve FAST food. And please, don't try to get my manager and tell him the food is taking too long. Each time we ring up a ticket a time shows up on it so that people who claim they have been waiting for 30 minutes for their food can be put in their place. When you lie and say you've been waiting for thirty minutes we just go in the back, look at the ticket and then laugh at you. Don't try and pull this. We know the truth. I understand that you may be upset, but you're more likely to be met with a cordial response if you're nice about the situation. Ranting and raving about something that is untrue will get you nowhere. For those of you whose food does take a long time, your concerns will be met with our utmost sympathies and you will probably be given something free-which is probably what you wanted anyway.

scullies in the summertime

This is just something that has been on my mind for a while and now that I have this blog I can tell you about it. What's up with guys rockin' scullies in the summertime? Don't you realize that it's hot outside? It's not hot. It's literally hot. There is something so backwards about trying to look cool while looking so uncomfortable at the same time. The whole time they're thinking, "man I'm so hot, but I look so cool." No you don't. You just look hot. Your head is under that thing cussing you out. Another thing-take your sunglasses off inside. There is not a lick of sunshine inside. I really can't stand the glasses that have lenses that are bigger than your face. On girls it's ok sometimes, but guys, come on. Guys shouldn't be wearing glasses that are bigger than their face. And don't talk to me with sunglasses on. It's so disrespectful. Who do you think you are? Until you have a triple platinum album or are NFL MVP, you can't wear glasses inside. Who are you hiding from? Are you trying to be incognito? Nobody cares who you are or what you're doing so you can take your glasses off. It's ok.

disney characters vs. cereal characters

I noticed the other day how there are no african-americans in Disney movies. It's kinda sad. Unless you count Aladdin and The Little Mermaid, there are no minorities in the movies. I started thinking about why and then I figured it out. It's because we have all the cereal characters. Let's start with Diggem the frog of Sugar Smacks fame. He is definately black. He's so hip. Always saying, 'digem, digem." He wears his hat flipped up a la Wesley Snipes in White Men Can't Jump. I think he's even wearing red high tops. Sugar Bear from Golden Crisp cereal is definately black. Just listen to his voice. So silky soft. He's smooth. If he were a real person he'd probably be Billy D. Williams. I may catch hell for this one, but Tony the Tiger is black. There's just something about him. The bee from Honey Nut Cheerios...? Definately white. But Count Chocula, as you would expect, is definately black. He may, however, have a thing for white girls. Toucan Sam is black. He may also be gay, but that's another story. The Cocoa Puffs bird is black. He may be a crackhead, but he's black. Obviously Snap, Crackle and Pop and the Leprechaun are white, but I have a sneaky suspicion that the Trix rabbit, while not completely black, may be mixed. Unfortunately, the Cookie Crisp guys are black. Why do we always have to be running from the law? The jury is still out on Cap'n Crunch and the Honey Combs monster, but I will get back to you on those. So, while there may not be any African Americans on Disney, we do have the cereal game on lockdown.

restaurant biz

Ok. I work at a restaurant, so I'm going to vent a little bit here. I have a couple of things I need to get off of my chest. First. I only make 2.13/hr. I make money from your tips. I understand if you don't want to tip me. You don't have to-but if I give you great service I would appreciate it if you tipped me based upon that and not the fact that you had a bad day at work or you're just pissed off. I am a very versatile man. If you want ten per cent service I can give it to you. If you want 20 per cent service I can do that too. I think you should have to quote your tip before you sit down. That way I know exactly what it is you want and I can better serve your needs as well as mine. This is not a bad thing either. Believe me, every now and then I want a break, and the five to ten per cent quoter would be welcomed, but don't ask for twenty per cent service and tip five.
Second. Bread is NOT an appetizer. I will bring it no matter what. As such, don't ask for it. It's coming.
Also. Fellas, sometimes ordering for your girl is a nice gesture. Very sweet if you're trying to earn some booty points, but at least know what she wants. I mean, if you're ordering for her but don't really know what she wants then somebody is not needed. We shouldn't have to play telephone with her order. You remember the old game you used to play in elementary school? By the time the order gets down to me it's all screwed up. Why not cut out the middle man and let her order for herself?
Another thing. While it may be hard to believe, you ARE NOT my only customer. My job title is waiter, not bitch. I will get your katsup, mustard, pickles, baked potato or whatever it is you want as soon as I can. I promise. Along those same lines-get all that stuff together at once. When I ask you if you want anything else don't just say no arbitrarily. Just because you don't want anything doesn't mean that nobody else does. Little Billy or young Janie may want some katsup. Ask them so that I don't have to make five different trips when I could've done it all at once.
And do you let your kids throw food on the floor or the table at home? Why do you let them do it at a restaurant? Somebody has to clean that up.
Also, and maybe I'm just old fashioned, but take your hat off when you're inside. It's not cold and your hat isn't that cool. Just take it off.
Don't tell me you're ready to order when you're not, or if you are but everybody else isn't. Having me stand there while you look over the menu two or three times isn't doing me any favors. I'll come back when you're ready.
If I'm going to be your server you have to talk to me. Please, please, please don't point to the menu when ordering. I can see the picture, but I'd rather you speak. Use your words. It's easier. While using your words, speak up. I don't understand whispering or mumbling. I'm just going to start doing it back. If you mumble I'm going to mumble to you. If you whisper I'm going to whisper to you. See how you like it.
It's my job to bring what you ordered. I know what you orderd and you should too. Don't tell me you ordered steak when you ordered fish. I'm not trying to play a crazy trick on you by not bringing you what you asked for. Haha I'll get them. They ordered steak, but I'm going to give them chicken. I wouldn't make any money like that.
One of my most hated pet peaves is coming in late. If we close at 11 and you come in at 10:55 I'm not going to be happy, and you can't expect me to be, nor can you expect great service. I'm trying to go home. Think about it like this. What if I came in at 4:50 to get my taxes done, or 3:55 to make a deposit at the bank. It sucks doesn't it?
Lastly, a word to the verbal tippers. Save it. While I really appreciate your thanks and praise, I wish you would show it monetarily.
I guess that's it. I'm off my soap box. So you're saying to yourself, "he's bitter", or "if he doesn't like it why doesn't he just quit." I have answers to those questions. Am I bitter? No. Well, I won't lie. Every server is bitter, but only because of the way we are treated. Not because we hate life or anything. Why don't I quit? Honestly, it's the best money I can make for the time you put in, and it's easy. If you know how to deal with people (sell yourself) and you treat people how you would want to be treated it's pretty easy. Even when you're not making a lot of money, it's more than you had when you came in. And you leave with cash in hand.

tickets

The other day I got a ticket. As always, they are doing some roadwork in the city. I think they're putting in sewer pipes or something-so there's about a two mile radius where you are can't make a left-hand turn. I was going down the street to get something to eat and I had to turn around, but I couldn't make a left. I figured if I go down the street a little it would be fine and I could turn around. Apparently not. I got into what should've been the turn lane and some lady coming the other way honked at me. I didn't even think about it and made the left turn. I pulled up to the light to turn right onto the same street and a police officer knocked on my window. He said, "Son, how long have you been driving?" I just smiled. What are you supposed to say? Is he serious? Am I supposed to get out my calculator? Do I say 8 years, or should I be sarcastic? Then he asked me if I knew I couldn't turn left-like I'm going to say yes. I'm going to say no even if I did see the sign. Maybe I should've said yes to throw him off. I don't know. Then he asked, "Do you want me to give you a citation?" Who the hell says citation, and where did he get that line from-Asshole: Your Guide to Being A State Trooper? I mean, I guess it all depends. If I say no, are you not going to give me one? Does my response even matter? I should've said, "Well officer, I was thinking this morning that it has been an awful long time since my last ticket and I would actually love a citation." It's like they're begging you to do something stupid so they can beat you up or take you to jail. Then he took 30 mintues to write the ticket-as about five other people turned left onto the same street. I think one even turned left, stopped to ask him for directions and turned around. I was just supposed to get a ticket that day, I guess. For all of the other stuff I do, and don't get caught for, I can't complain. Not that you ever need a ticket, but you always seem to get them when you don't have any money and you have a vacation planned for the court date. Oh well, we'll see what happens. Until then I'm going to go to Borders and get Sarcasm: Your Guide To Answering Stupid Questions from Asshole Cops.

Model-T

This antique car reminded me of the time when I was Henry Ford for a school play/presentation thingy. One Christmas I got a plastic Model-T Ford that would spit out smoke while it spun around in circles and bounced off things. I was all excited that I got Henry Ford because I knew my car was going to be a hit (haha no pun intended). No, really, I didn't do that on purpose. Anyway, I got the thing to school and one of the little crumb snatchers broke my car. It was all good though because I looked tight in my dad's suit that was too big. If I can find the pictures from that day I'll post them. I was very funny looking. I didn't have a suit so I had to wear my dad's. My mom woke me up all early to put the suit on because she had to pin it so that it fit. It looked like the suit was made of safety pins when she got finished, but I sure was handsome.

business watch

I don't really know what this sign is about, but I thought it was funny. Maybe it's like neighborhood watch but for businesses. I don't know. All I know is that the robber and/or businessman sure looks sneaky.

camera at the light

I'm getting pretty good at the taking a picture while driving thing. Maybe that's not such a good idea when there is a camera at just about every other stop light in Atlanta-even though I think some of them are just up but not taking pictures. They're trying to scare you. I got two at the same light in the same day when they first started the whole thing. It takes a snapshot of your license plate as you roll through the red light. Once you get a ticket or two you pretty much know where they are. It's not even neccessarily a deterrent because from what I hear all you have to do is go into court and say that it wasn't you driving the car. They take a picture of the license plate, not the driver. So if they can't prove you were driving, how can they give you a ticket? I don't know how true this is because I just went ahead and paid my ticket. It sounds feasible-but I'm not a lawyer and neither is the person who told me this. Everybody thinks they're a lawyer though.

banana splits, or something else????

On my way to school today I noticed this sign. Maybe they could've worded it differently, maybe not. I'm not going to say much here, but are they selling banana splits, or something else? You be the judge.

skyline

Ahhhhh. Exit 86 on 85 South. I get off on this exit everyday on my way to school and everyday I think to myself, "the skyline looks pretty cool here." That's pretty much it. Well today I was thinking, "please help me not to run my car off this bridge because I'm trying to take a picture." Not too bad though for a en route phote. The skyline looks even better on days where you can see the sun shining through. It was a little dreary today. I think it was about 40 degrees-which to me is cold even though I went to school in Ohio. It was pretty warm last week. I think it was in the 60's most of the week. I know it makes you yankees mad when we say that 40 is cold, but in the summer you think 90 with no humidity is hot. Why don't you try jumping out of the shower and immediately sweating again-now that's hot.

baby in a bag foolishness

I was in the mall today and as I was walking out I noticed something funny on the little strollers that parents can rent to put their children in. There is a little mesh bag on the back of them that you can put little 'what not's' in if you don't have a purse or something I guess. On this bag is printed "please don't put children in bag". This was funny to me because I thought to myself, who the hell would put their child in a mesh bag when obviously the thing has a seat that just so happens to be child-shaped. As I was thinking about it it hit me. Somebody has actually done this. See, there is no personal responsibility in American society. You drink coffee that is obviously hot and burn yourself, you can sue. You eat a hamburger everyday and have a heart attack, you can sue. You smoke cigarettes and get cancer, you can sue. Basically, somebody put their child in the mesh bag of this stroller, something happend to the child and then somebody sued. Crazy. The company who makes these stroller-things was forced to put this tag onto the stroller sacks to keep crazy people from suing them. Funny. What the sign should say is "you can put your kid in this bag if you feel like it, but don't come running to us when something bad happens."