answer to life's burning questions

If you could have any super power what would it be? I would want to know what people were thinking. That power would be invaluable. I always want to know. If I couldn't have that power I would want to be really fast.
The other day I was thinking. If you die, I wonder if you get to see what you would've done had you stayed alive. That would be cool too. Or maybe if you could see your own funeral and see who shows up and see what they're thinking.
Would you rather have a time machine or a teleporter? I would rather have a time machine. With a teleporter you could only go back and forth to places in the same time. Like say you're hungry and you're at your house. You could say, "take me to Wendy's" and you're there. You don't have to worry about the space/time continuum or anything like that. With a time machine you could go anywhere you want. The only drawback is it has to be something you were already going to do or already did. If you didn't get off the couch and go to Wendy's ten minutes or so into the future then it wouldn't matter. You could, however, go to the the future and then go to Wendy's. You have to be careful not the run into yourself though. That would screw everything up.
If you were a girl/guy would you date yourself? I would...I think. I've been told I'd make a pretty girl so I'd definately think I was hot, but whether or not I would date myself would depend on if I knew it was me or not. I mean if I knew me already or if I knew it was just me as a girl. If I knew then I wouldn't trust myself because I'd say anything to get in my pants. If I was just some random girl that didn't know who I was then I'd probably fall for it since I'm pretty charming.
I wonder what Victoria's secret is. It can't be a very big one because her draws ain't hiding much. I think the secret is that she's making a killing on selling you next to nothing. It's a raquet, allbeit a raquet that I happily buy into. The secret is really that it's all a big trick. For the most part I don't really care what kind of panties a girl is wearing, nor do I think most men care. There are basically two things to deal with when it comes to panties. Either I'm going to get to see them, or I'm not. If I'm not, then I don't really care or care to know what you're wearing underneath your dress. If I am, then I probably don't want them on long enough for me to notice that they have a lacey or floral pattern on them.
I'd like to try and figure out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop but I can't help but bite the damn thing. I figure that it's somewhere between 127 and 418. I don't know though. I feel like the real answer depends on the acidity and make-up of one's saliva, the surface area of one's tongue, the licking force and the speed or rate or licking.
If I could be any animal in the world I think I'd be a Polar Bear. They seem like they're really cool and chilled out (pun intented), but if you screw with them they can really mess you up.

Spartan workout plan

I saw 300 about a week ago. I need to get on the spartan workout plan. I wonder how the spartans had access to ab-rollers so early. I know that Sparta was probably a self-sufficient territory and the men probably did a great deal of backbreaking work, but come on. There was not one of them who was even a little overweight. Not even a pudge. I guess they were doing crunches between picking the fields and shoeing the horse. I can't imagine how they had time for cardio.

parents just don't understand

I was talking to a girl the other day. She was all excited about prom and her dress and she started describing it. I asked her if the dress had a split or something in it and her mom, who was sitting across the table said, "Oh no no no. Momma don't do splits in dresses for 17 year-olds." I thought that was odd coming from the same woman who allows her daughter to have parties in her house when she is not home. I guess she's one of those mom's who thinks that as long as you do it at my house it's ok. What does a dress with a split in it do that's not being done at a house party with no adult supervision? She even buys the beer. They're going to do it anyway, right? That's crazy logic. You're going to facilitate underage drinking because kids are going to do it anyway. Let's buy them weed and condoms too. I mean, they're going to do it anyway. But please, please, don't buy them dresses with splits in them. That's just outragous. In fact, I'm starting a petition to lower the drinking age to 14 and raise the no-slits-in-dress age to 20. I am also going to teach a class warning parents of the dangers of dresses with slits. Last week a boy broke his nose after he ran into a locker door because he was paying more attention to a girl with a slit in her skirt than where he was going.

how NOT to get a girl

I recommend, more like urge, guys to be be friends with as many girls as possible if you want to figure out how to get girls. You may not ever get with your girl-friends, but you will get valuable information on what NOT to do to get a girl. I was out the other night with some friends, most of them being girls, and they were telling me some of the things guys say to try and woo them. We've all heard the lines about being the most beautiful girl in the bar and about how much money you make, but I heard a new one. A guy walked up to one of the girls I was with and after having a short conversation slipped the girl his number and said, "Gimme a call sometime. I'm a hairstylist and I'll do your hair for free." I can think of a number of things that are wrong with that statement. The first thing being, and excuse me for generalizing, but most male "hairstylists" are gay. I know, I know, some of them aren't, but I would think telling a girl that you'll do her hair for free is as much an invitation for a gay friend as it is a pick-up line. She may call you, but it will have a whole lot to do with getting free hairdo's and less to do with your sparkling personality. Girls do stuff like that. If a girl would go out with a guy she has no interest in to get a free meal, imagine what she would do for a free coloring. Probably alot, but not what you're thinking. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a male hairstylest, or if you are one that you're gay, but I don't know if it's neccessarily a pick-up line. You may not want to mention that right off the bat unless it just comes up in conversation. If the hairstylest line is in your bag-o-lines, I think it is best that you remove it. You'll find yourself helping her shop for panties instead of getting in them.

incredible flesh eating super-virus

This happened a long time ago but I think you deserve to hear it. I was at work one day and a guy got a steak. When I brought it to him it was a little undercooked so I took it back to the kitchen to get it cooked-up. When I approached the table to make sure that everything else was ok he looked at me and said, "Man, did you see that steak? It was all pink in the middle. What, you tryin' to give me E-Boli or something." I know what E-Coli is. I know what Ebola is. But what the hell is E-Boli-some sort of super-virus? I thought that was funny.
There was another time when I told a woman about five times that our ribs were pork ribs and not beef ribs. When they went out to the table she felt like they were a little undercooked. She asked me to get her some others. She looked at me with a straight face and said, "I don't want to get MAD Cow Disease." I was amazed. It's called MAD (Cow) Disease, and yet I told her that they were pork ribs.
There are a few other questions that I just love. Like when I say, "our lobster tails are five ounces." and then I get, "How big is that"? Shit, I don't know. It's five ounces. I don't know any other way to describe it. Another good one is, "would you like the 7 ounce or the 9 ounce filet?" They I get, "What's the difference?" The funny thing is that I get both of those questions at least once or twice a week without fail.

"Go to hell, please."

People are funny. They think they can be rude to you as long as they say please afterwards. I was at work and I was in somebody's way, I guess. Instead of saying, "excuse me", or "can I get right there, please", they said, "GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY, PLEASE!!!!!!" Yelling doesn't really work for me-even if you say please. I'm a grown ass man. My Mom doesn't even yell at me, so why do you suppose I'm going to allow you to yell at me? It's not going to work. In fact, it's counteractive. If you yell at me it's only going to make me do the opposite of what you asked. Naturally, I didn't move at all. In fact, I got finished with what I was doing and stood there just to bother her. I just don't understand how you think you can yell at somebody and think they're going to do what you said because you finished the sentence with please.

booty to booty contact

I'm just going to keep it real. There is no reason, whether it be male to female, male to male, or female to female, for booty to booty contact. Have you ever been laying in bed with someone sans clothing and you're back to back and your booties touch? You probably have-and it probably gave you a cold chill down your spine. At least that's what it does to me. It's like the same feeling you get when you touch something that's wet and you don't know what it is. You almost cringe. It's not a homosexual thing, either. I don't mind my booty being touched. I think it's that the distinct texture and make-up of the booty skin is not meant to be touched by the distinct texture of another's booty skin. It's a tactile thing, I guess. Maybe it has something to do with the nerves or something. All I know is that feeling somebody elses booty rubbing up against mine gives me the no feeling.