You have the right to shut the fu#k up.

I got pulled over for having a taillight out the other night. He walked over to my window and asked the question that all cops ask. The question that should be given the dumbest question of the day award, “Do you know why I’m pulling you over?” As he ran my information, I sat there wondering why they ask that. I’m sure it’s strictly rhetorical, or part of some policy, but why? Do they ask on the pure chance that somebody may incriminate themselves for something other than what they were pulled over for? Do they pull people over for nothing hoping that they’re going to tell on themselves? I wouldn't tell them even if I knew why they pulled me over on the slight chance that they will forget. I'm exercising the hell out of my right to remain silent. I mean, what is it, some sort of twisted game show. Do I get a prize if I get the question right—a get out of jail free card or something? Are you going to let me off if I play your little game? I wonder if anybody has ever incriminated themselves.
“It’s because I’m transporting heroin from the Mexican border isn’t it? No? You know I pour beer into my dogs water bowl? No? You saw me run that red light? Yeah? I was joking about that heroin thing. Funny right?"
The thing is, the real answer to the question is because they're a cop. It's their job to pull people over. If some stranger in an unmarked Volkswagen Pasat with no lights tried to pull you over, would you do it? No, because they're not a cop.
That gives me an idea for a new game show. I'm going to call it, You Have the Right To Shut the Fuck Up. It's kind of like a mix between Cops and Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Police will pull people over for what seems to be a traffic stop. They will then proceed to ask the person why they pulled them over. The only difference is they will actually wait for a response. They have to keep guessing why they officer pulled them over until they get it right. For each answer they get wrong they'll rack up a couple days in jail for being a dumbass. If you get it right, they'll let you go. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid, but people watch The Hills and America's Got Talent, don't they. It'll be a hit.

babies are funny (and by that I mean adults are)

I noticed a couple funny things about babies and adults today. The first one is that people will say your baby is cute no matter how ugly it is. What is the official age, or how ugly does a baby have to be, before you can inform somebody that their child isn't cute?
The second funny thing that I noticed about adults and babies is that people always grab the feet or the hands and say, "And how're you doing" as if they think the baby will answer them. I know that they know the baby won't answer, but they do it anyway. That's pretty funny, but what's funnier is that nine times out of ten the parents, knowing their baby won't, answer, "Say, I'm doing fine." It's like they're answering for the kid because they don't want their child to be rude. If somebody asks you a question you answer it, and since the baby can't, the parents do it. It's funny too because they're not really answering the question for the baby, they're telling it what to say, and we already discussed that babies can't talk. How crazy would it be if the kid actually answered? The parents always say that the kid doing well. How do they know? What if he's feeling bloated, or gassy? Then, not only is your child rude, but he's a liar as well. In reality, the baby is probably feeling pissed off because people are asking it questions it can't answer.

incredible flesh eating super-virus

This happened a long time ago but I think you deserve to hear it. I was at work one day and a guy got a steak. When I brought it to him it was a little undercooked so I took it back to the kitchen to get it cooked-up. When I approached the table to make sure that everything else was ok he looked at me and said, "Man, did you see that steak? It was all pink in the middle. What, you tryin' to give me E-Boli or something." I know what E-Coli is. I know what Ebola is. But what the hell is E-Boli-some sort of super-virus? I thought that was funny.
There was another time when I told a woman about five times that our ribs were pork ribs and not beef ribs. When they went out to the table she felt like they were a little undercooked. She asked me to get her some others. She looked at me with a straight face and said, "I don't want to get MAD Cow Disease." I was amazed. It's called MAD (Cow) Disease, and yet I told her that they were pork ribs.
There are a few other questions that I just love. Like when I say, "our lobster tails are five ounces." and then I get, "How big is that"? Shit, I don't know. It's five ounces. I don't know any other way to describe it. Another good one is, "would you like the 7 ounce or the 9 ounce filet?" They I get, "What's the difference?" The funny thing is that I get both of those questions at least once or twice a week without fail.