uncomfortable

Every guy remembers how undomfortable it was the first time they bought condoms. It may be one of the most uncomfortable things you'll ever do. My first time, I walked around the store for about 15 minutes pretending I didn't know where they were, and refusing help when asked if I needed some. Finally, I approached the section, and after much deliberating about things I hand no idea about, like spermicidal jelly, ribbed and resevior tip, I decided on her pleasure. Even at an early age I figured I might need some help in that area. After that, I walked around the store for about ten more minutes and then I approached the counter. I grabbed one of those Hollywood tabloid magazines and pretended to read it so I wouldn't have to look the woman at the counter in the eye. The only time I left the cover of my magazine was to grab the bag and tip-toe out. I won't lie, I felt really cool at the time. I put the condom in my wallet so it would get the little distressed ring inside (you know the one I'm talking about). I showed it to everyone who wanted to see it.
Now, about a month away from my 25th birthday, I don't think buying condoms is cool anymore, but it is just as uncomfortable. I still walk aimlessly around pretending like I don't know where the condoms are. They even put them in the back of the store so you have to make the long walk to the front. Well, the other day I went into the store to freshen up my goodies drawer and there just so happened to be an older female cashier and an older woman already at the counter. I tried to stand in the back but the older woman wasn't ready yet and asked me to go in front of her. The whole time I was whistling a son, and I never once looked the cashier in the eye. I just played with my bank card. I saw the older woman behind me look at my finger. I'm sure she was thinking to herself how much of a sinner I was for having pre-marital sex. I felt like I was disappointing her. She just looked at me like she wanted to give me a hug. Then the woman at the counter said, "Have a nice night", (voice inflection on night) and I just felt dirty. I felt like she knew what I was about to do--like she thought I was going to do it in the parking lot or something. I was so relieved when I got out of there. I feel like there should be a no speech policy in the drug store when people buy condoms. When you leave, the cashier should just nod their head. You nod your head back in agreement and then you leave.

childcare

I was driving down the street the other day and I saw this sign. You may not be able to read it because I took the picture with my phone. I also couldn't get it to upload rightside-up. Anyway, the sign says, Moderate & Quality Childcare Now Enrolling, and it lists a telephone number. I don't have any kids, but why would I pay for moderate childcare? What exactly does moderate childcare mean? Does that mean that they feed them, but also let them run with scissors in their hand? I wonder what the cost is to upgrade from the moderate to the quality package. It also makes me think that if they're capable of quality childcare, shouldn't they just stick with that? I'm sure they're not getting too many mothers asking for the moderate--not when you can biggie size it.
And who are these people who claim to offer the child care? It's obvious to me that they're not very established, nor do they know how to reach the target. I don't know many mothers who want to find their new daycare on the side of the road--especially if they offer moderate childcare. Let's just say someone is desperate enough to call that number, I can only imagine who the miscreant is that answers the phone. "Yo, This is Leadpipe Louie's daycare, your friendly neighborhood au pair and bookie." All the while there are screaming kids in the background and he's scratching his beard over little Billy's grilled cheese. Now let's just say that after talking to Louie, he's somehow convinced you that his is the daycare for you. What do you think his establishment looks like? Well, it's obviously a front so he can launder his numbers running money. I'm sure the windows would have iron bars on them and a hole in the front door for his shotgun. At least you know your kids are protected. Ok, ok, maybe not, but let's be honest, do you really want moderate childcare?

manners

I was in Caribou Coffee today doing work and a woman asked me to watch her computer while she went to the bathroom. It's easy enough to watch a computer, so I said yes. The computer seemed obedient enough, and the woman seemed nice enough that even if the computer had legs, it probably wouldn't have gone anywhere. That being said, the only way the computer was going to leave was if someone stole it. I saw what the woman looked like and I wasn't going to let somebody who didn't appear to be her take it without a pretty good explanation. I can't think of a good enough explanation to let a woman's laptop that I'm supposed to be computer sitting get stolen, but if I do I'll let you know.
The whole idea of asking somebody to watch something for you is funny. Obviously she felt the need to ask me, so she may have thought that I wouldn't. But why would I sit there an let somebody's property get stolen--even if I'm not asked to watch it? I would've watched it had she asked me or not. But what if I'm the guy who sits in Caribou waiting for people to ask me to watch their stuff so I can steal it? Then I bet she would've felt really stupid. Maybe she was just being polite by asking. Maybe I'm just a nice person for saying yes. Or maybe, just maybe, the joke's on me because I didn't ask her to watch my computer when I went to the bathroom. It was still there when I got out, so I'm assuming she did. One can never be so sure. I mean, I didn't ask her.

Bud Selig did steroids

It seems to me, unfortunately, that Barry Bonds has been shooting something into his veins that has swelled his body and head to two times its normal size. At first, I didn't want to believe it. I, unlike most people, like Barry Bonds. Yes, he is an asshole, but I'm not watching him play baseball because he's a nice guy. I'm watching because he's good. I suppose everybody would rather watch really nice schlubbs play sports. I'm still not of the view that athletes should be role models. They're human beings just like everyone else. Parents should either urge their kids to look up to them, or pick an athlete who "seems" to be "wholesome". The only problem with that is that nobody is as good or as bad as they seem. We all have buttons and we're all human beings. That "wholesome" player may make a mistake. Is he then a "bad person"? I just think he's a person who made a mistake. Role model is a heavy term to place upon somebody who is good at sports-somebody who just wants to play a game.
That's just my soapbox. What I really wanted to talk about is Bud Selig. He's saying he isn't going to go to the games where Barry will tie and break the all-time homerun record. He's trying to wash his hands/remove himself/not support the Steroids Era, and subsequently Barry Bonds. Bud, you can't do that. The MLB had its hands in the cookie jar too, and therefore so did you. You're the commish. You turned your back to what was going on because homeruns, attendance and ratings were up. All the steroids went on under your watch and under your nose. Now you want to wash your hands? You can't. Every one of Barry Bonds' swolen-steroid-induced-record-breaking homerun balls, should be signed by the two of you. You and Barry. You, along with a whole lot of God given talent, made Barry Bonds. You didn't inject it into his veins, but you closed the bathroom stall while he did it. I don't understand how that is getting lost in the shuffle in all of this. I don't understand how you can talk about steroids and Barry Bonds and not talk about Bud Selig. The two are synonomous.

uncomfortable

I hate it when you go to a friends house to hang out and the parents insist that you eat. No excuse will work. "I already ate", "I'm not hungy", "I don't eat that," nothing works. They keep insisting that you eat until you finally just put something on your plate. You sit there with food on your plate that you know you're not going to eat. Then inevitably they're going to ask you why you're not eating. There is no real answer to that question other than to explain how you were not hungry to begin with. You can't say that, though because it may seem like you're being a smartass. You just sit there uncomfortable. Sometimes it gets worse from there. Sometimes they don't believe you and accuse you of not liking their food, or disliking their style of cooking. What do yo do? Two years ago I was at a friends cookout. I wasn't really hungry so I didn't eat. Finally, after being pressured into it, I went to put some stuff on a plate. Now I'm all for a good cookout, but there needs to be some groundrules. One being to cover the food. I get over to the food and I think I saw a whole family of flies. Not just a mother, father, son and daughter, but a whole extended family. I took the loose cover that was on the food and they all looked at me like I had opened the door to their room while they were sleeping. I wouldn't have eaten any food if it was the last supper. I went through and put a couple things on my plate, and waited until the time was right to throw my plate away. The only problem with that plan was that apparently there was a whole gaggle of food that wasn't even out yet. My empty plate was an indication that I really enjoyed the food and wanted more.
The worst part about fake eating at a friends house is once you fake it once they actually think you like what they cooked. Everytime you come over they make the same thing assuming that you really enjoyed it all the other times. Not good. I guess it's just one of those times where being honest may be the best way to go.
There is nothing more uncomfortable than going to someones house and their parents are arguing-especially when you're in the room. What exactly are you supposed to do in that situation? If you leave the room and acknowledge the fact that they're arguing, then it makes it uncomfortable for them. If you stay in the room then it's really uncomfortable for you. You have to sit there and act like you're not seeing what's going on. I was at a friends house one time and the dad was yelling at my friends sister and she started crying. She said she wasn't coming to dinner because she felt like the dad didn't love her. The dad said if she didn't come to dinner then he wouldnt either. Then the mom started yelling at the both of them because they neither would come to dinner. Very uncomfortable. I felt like I should say something but I knew that it probably wasn't right.

Confidence

It's been a long time, but I'm back now. Being as though I want to be in the business of advertising, I figured I'd write something about it. I was trying to figure out the name of the girl from the RGX body spray ads (if you're a warm blooded, half-brained and even borderline heterosexual you know why) and I ran across a guys blog.

In his blog, http://www.tvsquad.com/2007/05/25/tv-101-why-i-cant-stand-the-rgx-body-spray-girl-videos/ , the guy says he thinks the ad really says: "I'm that b*tch you knew in high school. You remember, don't you? Senior year, you had a crush on me and sent me that nice note which I laughed about at lunch with all my friends. Thanks for that, it was really funny. Anyway, you should know I only date douchey frat-boys. That's right, if a guy isn't driving a BMW that his dad bought him and wearing a Polo shirt with the collar turned up then I'm not really all that interested. I know you hate those guys from the center of your soul, but that's the only way you have even a glimmer of a chance with me. Lucky for you, there's a brand new product that can actually turn you into that guy. Buy it, try it, and maybe we'll talk."

Besides having some serious issues with women, I think he is completely wrong. In fact, I feel like this ad is taylor made for the nerdy guy who couldn't get girls in high school. It's saying: "You're scared. Just the thought of coming over and speaking to me makes you want to wet your pants. See, the thing is, I'll never know. If you decide to grow some balls and talk to me, I'll never know you're a pansy. I'll think you're a corvette driving, football throwing, power-suit wearing, corner office having, man's man. Not only will your confidence turn me on, I'll probably go home with you. So, go do some push-ups, flex in the mirror while calling yourself "the champ" or spray some RGX body. Do whatever you have do to boost you confidence to come talk to me. It will probably be worth your trouble." That's what I think these ads are saying.

Unfortunately, for some reason, confidence is a bad thing. Confidence, however, is different from arrogance. One is a sense of yourself, and the other a sense of superiority. For some reason, people have made the two synonomous. People are made to feel bad for being confident. If you're good at something you can't even admit it. You have to act apprehensive at the risk of seeming arrogant.

In his blog, the guy also said that it's dividing the world into winners and losers. I don't think so. That view just reinforces the couch-sitting video game playing mentality we have. If you don't get off the couch and try you won't fail. You may never prosper, but you'll never fail. The ads are really dividing the world into tryers and people too scared to get off the couch. The tryers don't always get the girl, but they get more than the guy who sits on his ass. You have to get in the game to get a hit. The guys who are always complaining about not getting girls are usually the guys who never even try. They stand in the corner and talk about how that girl over there is too stuckup and would never talk to them.

I'm proud to be confident. I'm proud that I have gotten shot down just as many times as I've prevailed. I'm proud that I was in the game rather than watching from the bench. You don't have to change who you are. You don't even really have to be confident. Just act like it and you've got it made. You may still be a nerd. Just don't act like it. Not even that. Just be confident in your nerd-dom. Everybody has something to be confident in. It may not be your looks or you body, but you have something. If it's math, then be good at math. If it's singing, then be a good singer, but don't sit on your couch and talk about how you're a better singer than everybody on American Idol.

answer to life's burning questions

If you could have any super power what would it be? I would want to know what people were thinking. That power would be invaluable. I always want to know. If I couldn't have that power I would want to be really fast.
The other day I was thinking. If you die, I wonder if you get to see what you would've done had you stayed alive. That would be cool too. Or maybe if you could see your own funeral and see who shows up and see what they're thinking.
Would you rather have a time machine or a teleporter? I would rather have a time machine. With a teleporter you could only go back and forth to places in the same time. Like say you're hungry and you're at your house. You could say, "take me to Wendy's" and you're there. You don't have to worry about the space/time continuum or anything like that. With a time machine you could go anywhere you want. The only drawback is it has to be something you were already going to do or already did. If you didn't get off the couch and go to Wendy's ten minutes or so into the future then it wouldn't matter. You could, however, go to the the future and then go to Wendy's. You have to be careful not the run into yourself though. That would screw everything up.
If you were a girl/guy would you date yourself? I would...I think. I've been told I'd make a pretty girl so I'd definately think I was hot, but whether or not I would date myself would depend on if I knew it was me or not. I mean if I knew me already or if I knew it was just me as a girl. If I knew then I wouldn't trust myself because I'd say anything to get in my pants. If I was just some random girl that didn't know who I was then I'd probably fall for it since I'm pretty charming.
I wonder what Victoria's secret is. It can't be a very big one because her draws ain't hiding much. I think the secret is that she's making a killing on selling you next to nothing. It's a raquet, allbeit a raquet that I happily buy into. The secret is really that it's all a big trick. For the most part I don't really care what kind of panties a girl is wearing, nor do I think most men care. There are basically two things to deal with when it comes to panties. Either I'm going to get to see them, or I'm not. If I'm not, then I don't really care or care to know what you're wearing underneath your dress. If I am, then I probably don't want them on long enough for me to notice that they have a lacey or floral pattern on them.
I'd like to try and figure out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop but I can't help but bite the damn thing. I figure that it's somewhere between 127 and 418. I don't know though. I feel like the real answer depends on the acidity and make-up of one's saliva, the surface area of one's tongue, the licking force and the speed or rate or licking.
If I could be any animal in the world I think I'd be a Polar Bear. They seem like they're really cool and chilled out (pun intented), but if you screw with them they can really mess you up.