So I'm reading this article the other day and a couple things struck me. First was the authors use of the phrase "botched “butt enhancements” have turned women's rears into pocked “moonscapes.” That's a gem right there.
Second, how deep in a bottomless pit of poor self-esteem do you have to be to want a butt job? How much do you have to hate yourself to want to make over something that you sit on it all day? And how bad could your ass possibly be? I mean, I've seen some terrible asses, but I've never thought damn, she really needs a butt job. And if they thought their booty was that bad, why didn't they just get a pair of bootypops?
Your booty has to be an absolute tragedy to even THINK about paying thousands of dollars to have it re-done. And from the guy with NO OFFICE? Your booty has to be pretty sloppy if you're willing to overlook the fact that your surgeon has no office, and check into the HoJo around the corner to have it remodeled with caulk and duct tape. What these women needed was a self-esteem transplant—or maybe a brain makeover. I mean, where does this guy do his consultations, a gas station bathroom?
And then they're going to sue him? For what? What did they expect? He should be suing them for having unreasonable expectations. I'm sure he did the best job a guy with no license, office or proper equipment could do. I'm sure he's the best con man posing as a surgeon this side of the Mississippi. But if you fall for the old "surgery in a hotel" bit, then you get what you get. And I won't feel sorry for you. Just like I won't feel sorry if an adult gets chopped up by a guy driving a white panel van and wearing a Mustache Ride t-shirt because you hopped in when he told you he had some candy. You're a grown ass adult. Use your head. Just like when you hop in the van and realize there's not candy, at some point you have to start having some questions. Obviously these women never did that. They didn't do it when they checked into Malpractice Motel for surgery. They didn't do it when the good doctor wheeled out his equipment on a tv stand. When he used Nyquil and a handful of pills for anesthesia. Or when he opened the door wearing a tool belt with a box cutter, pliers and a caulk gun in the waistband.
A word of advice. If you don't remember a word I say on this blog (if anybody is reading this): If a doctor tells you that all his surgeries are being moved to the Holliday Inn across the street because his office is being fumigated, JUST DON'T GO. It's a setup.
May 14, 2010
March 03, 2010
Buyer Beware
I moved to New York in September. Since then I've been living with a friend until I could find my own place. If you know anything about New York you know that finding an acceptable apartment is next to impossible unless you're P-Diddy rich. And all the ones on Craigslist are great until you get to the bottom. So my advice to you people searching for NY apartments on Craigslist: just skip to the bottom of the ad.
That's where you find all the dirt. The bottom part of a Craigslist ad reads like end of a Viagra commercial. It's where you find all the stuff that makes you go, why do I want to do that again?
I've seen all kinds or ridiculousness on Craigslist ads. And I'm not talking about the freaks looking for a live-in prostitute. We're all looking out for those. I'm talking about regular people trying to rent out an apartment they know sucks by making it sound like champagne wishes and caviare dreams at the beginning when it's really a rundown crackhouse with no windows in a "good neighborhood". The heading usually reads something like AWESOME APARTMENT IN GREAT LOCATION, and has a sparkling bathroom, brand new fixtures, hardwood floors throughout, and an eat-in kitchen. But you get to the end of the ad and find out that there are no windows, you have absolutely NO use of the eat-in kitchen (but they do have a hot plate and an oven mitt)—except that you can eat in it, and you have to walk through that kitchen and five other bedrooms (but only if there's not a sock on the door) to get to the sparkling bathroom that you only have use of from 3am to 5am. But it's in a nice neighborhood, though. Don't forget that. They always seem to say that. And what the heck is a nice neighborhood? I saw a place in Bushwick that was apparently in a nice neighborhood. I came out with no cell phone, no jacket and a pit bull. I guess it's a nice neighborhood because they let me keep my underwear.
I've seen all kinds of stuff. I even saw a guy that was renting out his bathroom. Seriously. The ad said you have full use of the bathroom as your bedroom, but you had to leave when he wanted to use it. And the worst part about it is that guy has a roommate right now. People will live in ANYTHING in New York. The average jail cell is 7x10. That goes for about $800/month in SoHo. Only in New York can rent out a shelf in your closet with no windows and limited kitchen and bathroom priviledges for 800 bucks and the person thinks they got a deal.
Craigslist apartments should come with a disclaimer: "This apartment isn't for everyone, including men or women who are nursing or pregnant, or who may become pregnant, and to those who have an averse reaction to rats, roaches, mold or filth in general. Living in this apartment may cause sudden and serious side effects such as tetanus, polio, smallpox and sudden loss of sex (SLS). Many roommates in this apartment have experienced involuntary loss of cleanliness, chronic scratching, and acute and persistent loss of appetite. Typically these symptoms last for the duration of your lease. Tell your landlord if you have a condition that limits your ability to accept that you have to pay rent in a timely fashion, but that he will not fix problems in the same manner. Or if you are not ok with living under slumlord or at least not willing to shut the hell up about it. These may be signs of a serious problem called "I'm a human being" (IHB) that may require large doses of living in worse conditions like, in an abandoned building or on the side of the road in a ditch, so that you can justifiably say things like, "Eh, I've lived in worse," or "It's really not that bad." Don't let another day go by without living in an overpriced shanty. Reply to this Craigslist ad today.
That's where you find all the dirt. The bottom part of a Craigslist ad reads like end of a Viagra commercial. It's where you find all the stuff that makes you go, why do I want to do that again?
I've seen all kinds or ridiculousness on Craigslist ads. And I'm not talking about the freaks looking for a live-in prostitute. We're all looking out for those. I'm talking about regular people trying to rent out an apartment they know sucks by making it sound like champagne wishes and caviare dreams at the beginning when it's really a rundown crackhouse with no windows in a "good neighborhood". The heading usually reads something like AWESOME APARTMENT IN GREAT LOCATION, and has a sparkling bathroom, brand new fixtures, hardwood floors throughout, and an eat-in kitchen. But you get to the end of the ad and find out that there are no windows, you have absolutely NO use of the eat-in kitchen (but they do have a hot plate and an oven mitt)—except that you can eat in it, and you have to walk through that kitchen and five other bedrooms (but only if there's not a sock on the door) to get to the sparkling bathroom that you only have use of from 3am to 5am. But it's in a nice neighborhood, though. Don't forget that. They always seem to say that. And what the heck is a nice neighborhood? I saw a place in Bushwick that was apparently in a nice neighborhood. I came out with no cell phone, no jacket and a pit bull. I guess it's a nice neighborhood because they let me keep my underwear.
I've seen all kinds of stuff. I even saw a guy that was renting out his bathroom. Seriously. The ad said you have full use of the bathroom as your bedroom, but you had to leave when he wanted to use it. And the worst part about it is that guy has a roommate right now. People will live in ANYTHING in New York. The average jail cell is 7x10. That goes for about $800/month in SoHo. Only in New York can rent out a shelf in your closet with no windows and limited kitchen and bathroom priviledges for 800 bucks and the person thinks they got a deal.
Craigslist apartments should come with a disclaimer: "This apartment isn't for everyone, including men or women who are nursing or pregnant, or who may become pregnant, and to those who have an averse reaction to rats, roaches, mold or filth in general. Living in this apartment may cause sudden and serious side effects such as tetanus, polio, smallpox and sudden loss of sex (SLS). Many roommates in this apartment have experienced involuntary loss of cleanliness, chronic scratching, and acute and persistent loss of appetite. Typically these symptoms last for the duration of your lease. Tell your landlord if you have a condition that limits your ability to accept that you have to pay rent in a timely fashion, but that he will not fix problems in the same manner. Or if you are not ok with living under slumlord or at least not willing to shut the hell up about it. These may be signs of a serious problem called "I'm a human being" (IHB) that may require large doses of living in worse conditions like, in an abandoned building or on the side of the road in a ditch, so that you can justifiably say things like, "Eh, I've lived in worse," or "It's really not that bad." Don't let another day go by without living in an overpriced shanty. Reply to this Craigslist ad today.
February 15, 2010
New Guy Beware
A little advice for somebody starting a new job: the new guy always gets stuck being friends with the person nobody else likes. When you first start out you don't know who to stay away from. You talk to everybody. Nobody bothers to tell you to avoid the loud talker, overtalker, mean person or the one who'll invite himself to your apartment to play Magic: That Gathering. Next thing you know you've made a friend. You don't find out until two months later, when you get invited out but asked not to bring so-and-so, that they're the person nobody likes. Then it's too late. You've made a friend. And it's only because you're the only person who talks to them. Now you're stuck with them because it's too late to start being mean.
Textwalkers
Textwalkers. People who walk around town watching their phone instead of where they're going. It's a new phenomenon brought on by the accessibility of smartphones and the information they broadcast. People can't go five minutes without knowing who planted a row of corn of Farmville. This is a message for you.
I'm going to go out of my way to run into the next one of you I see walking down the street texting and not watching where you're going. I will find you. I don't care if you're all the way across the street. I'm running slap into you. And then I'm just going to keep going. You walk down the street texting with your head down like you own the sidewalk. Like I'm supposed to move out of the way because you're not paying attention. It's not my job to watch where you're going, so why should I move out of the way because you're texting? I'm just writing this for those of you that are in New York tomorrow and may find yourself walking down the street texting. I want you to know who ran you over, stepped on your iPhone and kept walking.
Thank you,
The Management
I'm going to go out of my way to run into the next one of you I see walking down the street texting and not watching where you're going. I will find you. I don't care if you're all the way across the street. I'm running slap into you. And then I'm just going to keep going. You walk down the street texting with your head down like you own the sidewalk. Like I'm supposed to move out of the way because you're not paying attention. It's not my job to watch where you're going, so why should I move out of the way because you're texting? I'm just writing this for those of you that are in New York tomorrow and may find yourself walking down the street texting. I want you to know who ran you over, stepped on your iPhone and kept walking.
Thank you,
The Management
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