Buyer Beware

I moved to New York in September. Since then I've been living with a friend until I could find my own place. If you know anything about New York you know that finding an acceptable apartment is next to impossible unless you're P-Diddy rich. And all the ones on Craigslist are great until you get to the bottom. So my advice to you people searching for NY apartments on Craigslist: just skip to the bottom of the ad.

That's where you find all the dirt. The bottom part of a Craigslist ad reads like end of a Viagra commercial. It's where you find all the stuff that makes you go, why do I want to do that again?

I've seen all kinds or ridiculousness on Craigslist ads. And I'm not talking about the freaks looking for a live-in prostitute. We're all looking out for those. I'm talking about regular people trying to rent out an apartment they know sucks by making it sound like champagne wishes and caviare dreams at the beginning when it's really a rundown crackhouse with no windows in a "good neighborhood". The heading usually reads something like AWESOME APARTMENT IN GREAT LOCATION, and has a sparkling bathroom, brand new fixtures, hardwood floors throughout, and an eat-in kitchen. But you get to the end of the ad and find out that there are no windows, you have absolutely NO use of the eat-in kitchen (but they do have a hot plate and an oven mitt)—except that you can eat in it, and you have to walk through that kitchen and five other bedrooms (but only if there's not a sock on the door) to get to the sparkling bathroom that you only have use of from 3am to 5am. But it's in a nice neighborhood, though. Don't forget that. They always seem to say that. And what the heck is a nice neighborhood? I saw a place in Bushwick that was apparently in a nice neighborhood. I came out with no cell phone, no jacket and a pit bull. I guess it's a nice neighborhood because they let me keep my underwear.

I've seen all kinds of stuff. I even saw a guy that was renting out his bathroom. Seriously. The ad said you have full use of the bathroom as your bedroom, but you had to leave when he wanted to use it. And the worst part about it is that guy has a roommate right now. People will live in ANYTHING in New York. The average jail cell is 7x10. That goes for about $800/month in SoHo. Only in New York can rent out a shelf in your closet with no windows and limited kitchen and bathroom priviledges for 800 bucks and the person thinks they got a deal.

Craigslist apartments should come with a disclaimer: "This apartment isn't for everyone, including men or women who are nursing or pregnant, or who may become pregnant, and to those who have an averse reaction to rats, roaches, mold or filth in general. Living in this apartment may cause sudden and serious side effects such as tetanus, polio, smallpox and sudden loss of sex (SLS). Many roommates in this apartment have experienced involuntary loss of cleanliness, chronic scratching, and acute and persistent loss of appetite. Typically these symptoms last for the duration of your lease. Tell your landlord if you have a condition that limits your ability to accept that you have to pay rent in a timely fashion, but that he will not fix problems in the same manner. Or if you are not ok with living under slumlord or at least not willing to shut the hell up about it. These may be signs of a serious problem called "I'm a human being" (IHB) that may require large doses of living in worse conditions like, in an abandoned building or on the side of the road in a ditch, so that you can justifiably say things like, "Eh, I've lived in worse," or "It's really not that bad." Don't let another day go by without living in an overpriced shanty. Reply to this Craigslist ad today.