Worst Mistake

Like most of us, Steve Phillips has made many a mistake in his lifetime: trading for Mo Vaughn, trading Scott Kazmir for Carlos Zambrano, firing Bobby Valentine, or his affair with an employee of the Mets minor league affiliate. Personally, I think he has made no mistake greater than hooking up with this piece of work while working for ESPN. Hooking up with Brooke Hundley, or Fatal Attraction intern as I like to call her, eventually got him fired. She looks more like Todd Hundley if you ask me. And she even went as far as to Phillips' doorbell to leave a note for his wife detailing the sordid affair, and also befriending his son on Facebook. Just terrible. Apparently the one he got caught up with while he was the GM of the Mets was worse. It's pretty apparent that Mr. Phillips is not a good evaluator of talent on or off the field.

All The Single Ladies

It's come to my attention that there's a lot of complaining going on about guys in the sack. This guy doesn't do this. This guy isn't doing that. He can't get me off. How often do you hear guys complaining about a girl's bedroom prowess? Never? You know why? Because from the time a guy is 13, most of his life is spent trying to devise new ways to get in girls' pants. When he does, he's thanking his lucky starts it actually happened. There's no time to try worry about what he liked and what he didn't. Besides, you don't bite the hand that feeds you. To a guy, sex is like pizza: some is better than others, but it's all good simply on principle.
Ladies, on the other hand, don't have to worry much about. From the time they're 13, guys have been trying to get in their pants. If they want it, they know they can get it. And when they do, there's not much to think about. So they spend lots of time thinking about this thing and that, and if it was good or not. They know all the responsibility is on the guy to make it good.
But here's the real reason why there's a difference between guys and girls when it comes to this. As I said, guys are always trying, but unless you're Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington, things don't always go down as planned. There's a lot of self-exploratory that goes on in between time. At the end of this, we're pretty well aware of what we like and what we don't.
On the other hand, I've found a lot of women aren't into self-exploratory. So there's all this complaining going on, but what exactly are you bringing to the table? If you don't know what you like, how do you expect the guy to know? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
And anybody who has tried to get with a girl who isn't one with herself knows what I'm talking about. It's like trying to figure out which switch controls what when a fuse is blown in the house. You gotta run down to the fuse box, flip one of the breakers, and run back upstairs to see if it worked. If it didn't, you run back down and do it all over again. It's tiring, and way too much work. It's the same way with a girl who has a car but doesn't work on it from time to time. You're constantly running back upstairs with that, did-that-work look on your face.

Say it with a song

Since the beginning of time it has been well documented that women love a man that can sing—even better if he writes the words he croons, or can play an instrument while doing it. I'm sure there were regular cavemen in Pangea who despised their more musically inclined brethren who sang their oogas and boogas with silky smooth voices. And almost certainly there were cavewomen who didn't even have to be bonked on the head to be dragged back to their cave. We regular guys have always hated men who sing. Why? Some say it's just hating, but I say it's envy. Not BECAUSE they can sing, but because they can say whatever they want to a woman as long as they're singing it. The rest of us don't have that luxury. We actually have to think before we speak. We have to think of the consequences of the things we say. It has come to my attention that instead of despising these men, we should take a page from their song book and start writing on it. I am almost certain that you can say just about anything to a woman as long as you sing it. I give you the lyrics to Dave Matthews' song Dreamgirl:

I was feelin' like a creep as I watched you asleep face down in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a hot afternoon. Your top was untied, and I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine.

It has been widely recognized that some Dave Matthews songs are more creepy than sweet, yet because he is singing them, women don't hear it. And I must say, Dave, you were feeling like a creep because you are one. It sounds like he's describing the scene of a rape. And I'm not a girl, but that shit sounds pretty creepy to me. I don't know many girls that would find that sweet. But Dave sings it with a nasaly, throaty twang that would make hippy girls throw their panties on the stage if they were wearing any. Why? Because he's singing the words. You try saying that to your girlfriend and see how long she's your girlfriend. But she'd be stand in line to date next long haired guitar player who sings creepy lyrics just like that.

But it doesn't just apply to long haired, guitar playing singers. It extends itself to R&B artists as well. Take this song by Jaheim lovingly titled Me and My Bitch. (Sorry mom, that's the name of the song).

It's on tonight. Cash up in the dash and I'm feelin' right. Got heat up in the seat just in case of beef for anyone who wanna come test me and my baby. Honey don't be afraid. See this cat ridin' in that Escalade? Plotting on my riches, yeah he will get slayed. Messin 'round with me and my lady, me and my bitch.

No matter how much she wants a bad boy, getting your girlfriend caught up as an accomplice to murder isn't exactly sweet. This brand of thuggery is usually reserved for rap. And If this were a rap song Delores Tucker and Oprah would be all over it. But hoodrats with stab wounds and women with 401ks all swoon together over this thugtastic song. I guess the smooth chocolatey way Jaheim sings makes the b word sound more like sweetie pie or honey drop.

So, you have bad news to tell your girlfriend? Sing that shit. Whether it be, I want to see other people; I'm sleeping with your friend; I'm sleeping with your mother; or, that dress does make you look fat, I urge you to write a song about it. It doesn't matter if you can sing or play an instrument. Hell, play the air drum or air guitar if you have to. Sing it acapella. It doesn't even matter if it rhymes. She will be so excited that you penned a song and sang it to her, she may totally forget what the hell you're saying anyway. You may get halfway down the street before she realizes what you said. It could at least buy you some time to run.

girls never say NO.

Guys, have you ever noticed that girls never say no? Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about that. I've been turned down more times that I care to admit. I'm talking about other things, like going out to dinner, watching a movie, or something like that. They never say no. Well they do in their own little way. I was at a friends house the other day and she told me to pick out a movie to watch with her and her friend. I went over to the shelf and grabbed a couple out and showed them to her. She looked at them and as she sat back in her chair to think about it. Then she looked at me and said, "Maybe you should pick a couple more." That was her nice way of saying no. She didn't say the movies I pick out sucked. She didn't say she didn't like the movies I picked. She didn't even say I picked bad movies. She just asked me to pick more. What's even funnier is that it sounded nice. She didn't tell me to pick more, she just suggested that maybe I should. That's funny to me because all girls do it. They don't want to be mean. It's like they want you to keep naming things until you come across something they like or want. Then they'll say yes and you'll feel like it was your idea, even though it was obviously theirs. I guess skipping this process and saying what you want would be too easy.