Say it with a song

Since the beginning of time it has been well documented that women love a man that can sing—even better if he writes the words he croons, or can play an instrument while doing it. I'm sure there were regular cavemen in Pangea who despised their more musically inclined brethren who sang their oogas and boogas with silky smooth voices. And almost certainly there were cavewomen who didn't even have to be bonked on the head to be dragged back to their cave. We regular guys have always hated men who sing. Why? Some say it's just hating, but I say it's envy. Not BECAUSE they can sing, but because they can say whatever they want to a woman as long as they're singing it. The rest of us don't have that luxury. We actually have to think before we speak. We have to think of the consequences of the things we say. It has come to my attention that instead of despising these men, we should take a page from their song book and start writing on it. I am almost certain that you can say just about anything to a woman as long as you sing it. I give you the lyrics to Dave Matthews' song Dreamgirl:

I was feelin' like a creep as I watched you asleep face down in the grass, in the park, in the middle of a hot afternoon. Your top was untied, and I thought how nice it'd be to follow the sweat down your spine.

It has been widely recognized that some Dave Matthews songs are more creepy than sweet, yet because he is singing them, women don't hear it. And I must say, Dave, you were feeling like a creep because you are one. It sounds like he's describing the scene of a rape. And I'm not a girl, but that shit sounds pretty creepy to me. I don't know many girls that would find that sweet. But Dave sings it with a nasaly, throaty twang that would make hippy girls throw their panties on the stage if they were wearing any. Why? Because he's singing the words. You try saying that to your girlfriend and see how long she's your girlfriend. But she'd be stand in line to date next long haired guitar player who sings creepy lyrics just like that.

But it doesn't just apply to long haired, guitar playing singers. It extends itself to R&B artists as well. Take this song by Jaheim lovingly titled Me and My Bitch. (Sorry mom, that's the name of the song).

It's on tonight. Cash up in the dash and I'm feelin' right. Got heat up in the seat just in case of beef for anyone who wanna come test me and my baby. Honey don't be afraid. See this cat ridin' in that Escalade? Plotting on my riches, yeah he will get slayed. Messin 'round with me and my lady, me and my bitch.

No matter how much she wants a bad boy, getting your girlfriend caught up as an accomplice to murder isn't exactly sweet. This brand of thuggery is usually reserved for rap. And If this were a rap song Delores Tucker and Oprah would be all over it. But hoodrats with stab wounds and women with 401ks all swoon together over this thugtastic song. I guess the smooth chocolatey way Jaheim sings makes the b word sound more like sweetie pie or honey drop.

So, you have bad news to tell your girlfriend? Sing that shit. Whether it be, I want to see other people; I'm sleeping with your friend; I'm sleeping with your mother; or, that dress does make you look fat, I urge you to write a song about it. It doesn't matter if you can sing or play an instrument. Hell, play the air drum or air guitar if you have to. Sing it acapella. It doesn't even matter if it rhymes. She will be so excited that you penned a song and sang it to her, she may totally forget what the hell you're saying anyway. You may get halfway down the street before she realizes what you said. It could at least buy you some time to run.

The cuddle cure

There are many things that anger women about men. One of the biggest is that we fall to sleep immediately after sex, and girls usually want to cuddle and talk about feelings. What can we do? Apparently we're from different planets. Actually, mens' brains excrete tryptophan, a natural sedative, when they get off. We can't help but roll over and fall asleep. Women, on the hand, are the exact opposite. They release oxytocin, a bonding chemical after sex. That's why they want to chit-chat, cuddle and feng shei the livingroom afterwards.
Well fellas, I'm about to blow your mind. In my 11 years of sexual studies, I've found that women also desire to fall asleep after sex—but only under certain circumstances. When you are finished having sex with your girl, ask her questions about something you know she doesn't want to talk about. For example: what was that threesome with your best friend and her boyfriend like; or, was it weird when you say your best friends dad's junk; and my favorite, was it weird when you caught your parents doing it. Or ask her to do something you know she doesn't want to to. For example: Do you want to go down on me again? She couldn't fall asleep any faster. Turns out we aren't so different after all. Basically, they have the same reaction that we as men have to the exact same things. The only difference is that we generally want to fall asleep after sex no matter what. Women have what I like to call Selective Narcolepsy. The disorder is always there, but under normal circumstances it is masked by an irrational desire to do ridiculous things like cuddle, talk and look at each other after sex. But when pushed into uncomfortable situations, their unnatural girly desires are overridden by Selective Narcolepsy.
So guys, if you want to fall asleep after sex without hearing mind-numbing whining, beat her to the punch. Ask things she doesn't want to talk about before she has a chance to as you. She'll be asleep before you can roll over. And yet we get the bad rap for falling asleep after sex. Women are much worse than we are. We do it because we're physiologically unable to stay awake after sex. It's the chemicals. When they fall asleep it's simply because they don't want to talk about something.

John McCain to play PC in new Mac commercials

Whether after four years or eight, there are plenty of options for an ex-President to keep themselves busy. Some hit the motivational circuit (Bill Clinton is said to earn $250,000 a speech). Harry S. Truman, among many others, received a $670,000 deal for his two-volume memoirs. But what of ex-Presidential candidates like John McCain? Some continue their political careers after losing an election. Some even survive to run for President again. But for all intents and purposes, the water in John McCain's Presidential well has run dry. There have been many speculations as to what he will do. He could turn to his deal-brokering ways with the added stature of having been his party's most recent presidential nominee, serve the role of the loyal opposition to the Obama presidency or simply play out the string for the next two years and retire in 2010.
I personally think McCain should explore an acting career. He would be great as PC in the Mac vs. PC commercials. I think it's a perfect fit. They both had their moment in the sun, and now they're both outdated.
PC is always trying to come up with some gimmick to fool consumers into buying a PC. Doesn't that remind you of McCain's choice of Palin as Vice President? If that's not a gimmick I don't know what is.
And once PC realizes that you aren't buying his gimmicks, he tries to convince you that he's just as hip, cool and in touch with you as Mac is. From the beginning Obama's mantra has been Change. Once McCain realized that's what people were looking for, and that he was percived as a Bush clone, he adopted the Maverick tag. Translation: "Hey, me too. I'm different." And then there was the time PC taped a camera to his head showing that he had the same features as Mac. And what about the new commercials that feature Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates? They even hired Crispin Borter + Bogusky to do their advertising. I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?
Ultimately, I think John McCain is the personification of PC and would be a perfect fill in if the guy who normally plays him gets sick. I'm John McCain, and I'm a PC.

Long time no write

Hey everybody, it's been a while since my last post. Five months to be exact. To the three people that read this (not you Mom, you sort of have to), I apologize. I'm going to try and do a better job of keeping up with this. In actuality, I have a lot of stuff written in the tablet of my mind and in my little sketch book, I just haven't put it on here. That said, you three look out for more posts coming soon.