bathroom attendants promote bad hygiene

So I'm at the club. I'm having a good time and everything when I feel the urge to go to the bathroom. I hate going to the bathroom at clubs because most of them have a damn bathroom attendant. Why in the world is there a bathroom attendant? Do people think that makes their club more high class? It doesn't. Why do I need somebody attending the bathroom? I don't need anybody to open the door for me. More importantly, I'm almost 25 and I damn sure don't need any help aiming and shooting. I've also gotten pretty good at fastening my belt over the years. What are they there for? Is it safety? Do they think some poor drunk guy is going to slip in the Mountain Dew and bump their head while they're going to the bathroom? And then they turn the water on for you so you can wash your hands. I can do that myself. In fact, I do it every other time I go to the bathroom. I don't need help with that. Then they hand you a paper towel and try to spray you with some knockoff cologne that went out of style three years ago. If I wanted to smell like an old man I would've grabbed some of my dad's Stetson from the house. The worst part is that after all this, they expect you to tip them. That's absolutely ridiculous and promotes bad hygiene. Usually those bathroom attendant guys love to talk, so I'll act like I'm going until he gets into a conversation with a guy and I can walk out while he's talking. My other scheme is to act like I'm going until there are a lot of guys in the bathroom so I know the attendant will be occupied turning on water and spraying cologne and I can walk out the door unnoticed. That way I don't feel badly. Yeah, it's gross, I know, but what else am I supposed to do? I don't want to go and wash my hands because I know he's going to turn the water on for me. If he turns the water on for me then I feel obligated to tip him (why, I don't know), and he'll also ask me if I want some cologne (which for some reason I can't say no to), and then I have to give him even more tip. It's bad enough that you have to pay and tip the parking guy, the coat guy (another racket), the bartender guy, and pay a cover to the bouncer guy, but you have to tip the bathroom guy too? It cost's a lot of money to go out these days. Who goes to the bank saying, "I guess I'll get out 50 bucks for tonight. Oh wait, I can't forget about the bathroom attendant. I'll go ahead and get 55 out."? And that's only if you're planning on going to the bathroom once or twice. You can predict how many drinks you're gonna have, but it's hard to predict how many times you're going have to go to the bathroom. And what is the proper bathroom attendant tip? In a restaurant it's usually 20%, but that's 20% of a number. How do I give 20% of turning on the water, or a spray of cologne? Next time I'll just wait for the attendant to go to the bathroom and give the water a quarter turn on for him and rip off a quarter of a paper towel. That'll be his tip, and that's 25% so I'm being generous.

i-pod means I'm old

They say the older you get, the more you start to act like your parents. I've always been skeptical of that (because I'm nothing like my parents), but I said something the other day that made me believe it. I was driving down the street past my old high school with a friend. I think almost every kid that walked by had an i-pod on. The exact words that came out of my mouth were, "Look at all those kids with i-pods. They're so lucky they get to listen to something while they're walking home. We used to just listen to cars go by." Am I that old? That sounded like one of those walking-uphill-both-ways-in-the-snow stories my parents used to tell me when I was little. And where do they get the money for i-pods? I had to cut six yards just to get a Walkman and they were only forty bucks. The cheapest i-pod you can get is 100, I think. That's a lot of yards to cut. Maybe I'm just old, or maybe I'm just jealous, but I'm well on my way to telling my own uphill-both-ways stories.

how to be a player: don't have a cell phone

I was watching Boomerang today. You know the movie where Eddie Murphy is a player but falls in love with Robin Givens and then she plays him? Halle Berry is in it too--before she started being a bad driver and hitting people in her car. There is one particular part in the movie that made me laugh. Robin Givens was supposed to go on a date with Eddie Murphy's. She shows up late and her excuse was that she had some meetings that went over long and there wasn't a phone on the plane to call. I know you remember this part. It's the one where she apologizes for not calling by coming over with a trenchcoat on and Vicky's underneath. Nothing says I'm sorry like a pantyclad woman with an overcoat on, but I digress. Back to the point. I don't know when this movie was made, I believe 92. I know cell phones weren't huge then, but they were high-powered advertising executives. I'm sure she had, or should've had, a cellphone--at least a pager. That excuse definitely wouldn't have gone over in todays world. Cell phones screwed-up the I-couldn't-call excuse for players (even though some still try to use it).