Gangsta Grande Thug Latte

I was walking down the street this morning when I saw a straight thug walking down the street with a Starbucks cup in hand. How do I know it was a thug, you ask? First off, dude had neck tatts. I'm talking about praying hands with his baby mama's name underneath neck tatts. Everybody knows you get those at thug graduation. And this dude graduated Magna Cum Laude. I noticed the Starbucks cup when I was admiring his knuckle tattoos that read 'Get Paper'.

The whole thing begged the question: Do thugs drink coffee? My first thought was, thugs don't drink coffee—they're not going to work. Either this guy is a bad undercover cop or he enjoys his morning cup of purple drank from a Starbucks cup. But dude was walking kinda fast—probably on his way to a robbery—so he wasn't on the purple stuff. That usually makes makes you sleepy.

So I thought again: Nefarious activities usually take place at night. With all the late night stabbings, drug-cooking parties and money-counting sleepovers, thugs probably doesn't sleep much. And when they do, it's with one eye open. You can't get a good night's sleep with one eye open. So what better place for a thug pick-me-up than Starbucks? Everybody likes pumpkin spice. And nothing says street cred like a Starbucks Member's Reward card—or one of those cardboard things they give you so you don't burn your hand. There's nothing thugnificent about burning your fingers on a hot Chai Latte. How are you gonna stack paper with burned fingertips?

So I came to the conclusion that, yes, thugs do drink coffee, which brings up another set of problems. What happens when they burn their tongue on their double shot espresso? Because, let's be honest, can you see a thug standing on the corner blowing on his coffee before he sips? NO. Most people would do that thing when they make the O-shape with your mouth and try to blow air over their tongue to cool it off. But that's soft like two flamingos having a pillow fight. What do thugs do when they burn their tongues? They certainly don't talk with that burnt-tongue speech impediment all day—The one that sounds like your tongue is heavy. That's not gangsta either. And there is certainly nothing gangsta about ordering coffee. "Yo, yo, yo, my man. Real talk, son. Lemme get that Double shot macchiato, extra sexy foam, with legs. Werd, son. That's on my motha. And lemme get one a them scones over there too. Oh, What's the name on that? Tray-Von."